We The People ...

This post will be my last on this topic in my blog.

  I totally get it if you are fed up or hold a different point of view ... and want to skip this post.  But this is my space and I am getting this all of my chest.  

As I mentioned previously, my impressions of Trump in 2016 were poor.  He was not even a remotely qualified candidate and probably a crook.  Since then nothing has changed my mind.  In fact, he has earned further disqualifying titles: convicted rapist, felon, habitual liar, and insurrectionist.  But here is the thing ... there are lots of bad people in this world.  Some are behind bars and some are not.  But only one of the "bad people" was running for President.  Surely that travesty, should have been corrected in the Primary Elections by the Republican Party or at a minimum be corrected by “the people” in the National Election.  We “the people” should have corrected this.

We didn’t.  

This election was a sweep for Trump - both in the popular vote and in the Electoral College. There can be no doubt that more than half of the voters wanted a convicted rapist, felon, habitual liar and insurrectionist as President. And in true democratic fashion that is who they chose for our President for a second time.

I know that he has many proven and suspected “crimes” to his name.  But the crime I cannot get past - the one I witnessed on TV in total disbelief, the one that was investigated publicly exposing even more terrible things that were not known at the time  ... that crime of insurrection against our country, our constitution, exposed in real-time for all to witness on TV ... that crime of insurrection should have landed him in jail already.  Nope.  He gets a second shot at changing or dismantling our democracy.

I have anger.  So much anger.  And it is not aimed at him anymore.  He was TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY honest in what he was saying and doing - and what he plans to do.

My anger is aimed at our population.  Did you know that in some exit polls people were asking things similar to“When did Biden leave the race?”  "Where did Biden go?”  “Who is Harris?”  If they didn’t even know who was on the ticket, it is unlikely they followed any of the ongoing drama surrounding Trump.  So little effort they put into their responsibility as citizens!  Ignorance on a grand scale.  While it is easy to blow it off and say - 'well, they will be sorry,' or maybe 'you get what you deserve' - this electoral result impacts us all.

Here is an example of the most recent impact:  The Stock Market went up yesterday by over 1500 points.  It was an astronomical rise. The Stock Market likes Donald Trump.  It happened in 2016 as well.  That sure is good for my husband and I - and for anyone whose investments are tied up in the stock market!!  Yea me!!  But what about all those folks who are just getting by - does that rise in the stock market help them?  I bet not.  And I bet very little of what Trump does will positively impact all those people who are struggling to put food on the table or pay their rent.  

And then there is all the international stuff!  I won’t even begin to touch on his love of our enemies, dictators, strong men, etc.  I am sure there is much dismay among our international friends.  They may have forgiven us for his first 4 years, but another 4 years may be too much for them.  It is too much for me.

So I am angry at us ... “We The People.”  And “We The People” will get what we voted for.  Of course, it might not look like the democracy that we love after another 4 years.  But, oh well!  

Two ”Post-Cancer” Journeys

Warning: 

I try to avoid politics in my blog.  But sometimes it just seeps up through the cracks!  If you are a Trump supporter - I encourage you to skip this post.  

Let’s begin with the first post cancer journey - as it impacts my husband and I most directly.  Since October 21, my husband has been recovering from the treatments that are meant to kill his cancer.  We are now in a holding pattern until his PET scan in December.  This period has not been totally peaceful.  He received 2 units of blood 5 days after his last treatment because his oxygen carrying blood cells - his hemoglobin - had dropped into the critical range just before his last chemo and radiation.  Getting through that 5 days till the transfusion was a bit harrowing.  It is stunning just how impactful oxygen in the blood is to the body.  Three days after that vital transfusion, he saw his Oncologist and they pulled another blood test.  Those 2 units didn’t raise his oxygen levels as much as was needed.  In fact his hemoglobin levels were lower. Thinking back I realized that before his last chemo his hemoglobin was low enough to trigger the blood transfusion.  Then he had the last chemo and the last radiation!  They probably dropped his levels even lower.  So low that he couldn’t walk from the bed to the bathroom without stopping to rest.  I can tell you I didn’t sleep very well that week.  I kept waking to make sure he was still breathing.  The first transfusion brought him back up to functional but no where near safely normal.  So he is scheduled for a second transfusion of 2 more units - probably this week.  And this time, since he has had no other treatments, he should be closer to normal.  The PET scan in December will tell us if that cancer is gone.

Now onto the next “cancer” journey - the national one!

Tomorrow is Election Day. Tomorrow is our National PET scan test to determine if we have managed to wipe out the head of that cancer called Trump from our Oval Office for good.  I remember back to 2016 when Trump entered the race for the Presidency.  I remember thinking even then that this man who had absolutely no experience in governing, no public service experience, no experience in the practice of law, no military service - nothing that would remotely qualify him for the highest office in our land - couldn’t last as a viable candidate.  All I knew was that he was some sort of rich business man who had a shady background and had declared bankruptcy several times - and that he had a TV show where he enjoyed firing contestants.  My gut said - this man is a crook!  My gut was right.  Since that time - this Trump-cancer has spread and infected an entire political party and a HUGE number of our citizenship with a cult-like mob approach.  As a Registered Independent, I couldn’t understand why the Republican Party stand up to him and provide our country with a true conservative choice for President.  Over the years I watched as that party was hijacked by this singular Trump-cancer.  Now this same Trump-cancer threatens our very democratic institutions.  Never, never, never - in my whole life - did I worry that the person chosen by the people to be our President would destroy us - until the Trump-cancer.  

In this election cycle I have been addicted to all the news feeds related to this upcoming election.  And it has truly been an addiction that I will need to break myself from.  No matter who wins this week I need to step back from haunting all the news feeds (even Fox) - and break away for my own peace of mind.  Even if Kamala Harris wins (and I so pray that she does), the poison that is the Trump-cancer  will still fester in our country for a while.  This “illness” that has almost killed us will take time to heal.  The hate and devision that Trump-cancer has normalized will still be around.  There is no national “blood transfusion” that will cleanse our country.  Just time and patience.   But the PET scan, our upcoming election, is the first healing step in that process!

It pleases me no end - if the one to clean up this MAGA mess - is a woman!

FINALLY!!

Last Treatment In The Books

My husband had his last radiation treatment today!  His last chemo treatment was last Friday.  If he wasn’t so tired this morning ...  it might have been “Celebration Time."  

The day started a little low.  He said the fatigue was pretty awful this morning.  Of course, when we got there they were running late because one of their two radiation treatment units was down.  They did resolve whatever the problem was, but when you have patient treatments scheduled every 15 minutes it didn’t take long before patients dressed in gowns were backed up in the waiting areas and hallway.  They offered the option to reschedule to tomorrow, but we weren’t going anywhere since this was his last treatment.  Actually I didn’t notice anyone taking up that offer.  I think once you start down this path - the whole focus is to “just get through it.”  But everyone was patient.  The staff there is exceptional.

After the radiation, we met with the doctor who remarked that my husband handled the treatments better than any other patient in their memory.  And it is true.  Aside from the late onset fatigue today - he had nothing that was listed in their handouts.  He did have a number of small side effects from the chemo but those were very easily handled by medication.

So .... now we wait until December.  Between now and then he needs to heal and rest.  His PET scan is set for mid-December.  There is a lot of “waiting” with this disease.  It does teach you patience.  No popping a pill and you are better.

Anyway, between now and then I have a bunch of pictures, interests and stories to share.  I am so happy to be back blogging again.  I did miss it - and missed the community of blog friends I have made over the years.  Thank you for coming back.  I am a very lucky blogger.

My Dear Sweet Grand Daughter

As promised - an embarrassing long time ago - Grand daughter pictures.  Brace yourself.  This post is picture heavy.  

So every time she comes for a visit I try to get a decorated cookie for her.  

 

This was from her last visit to our condo before my husband began his treatment
and needed to avoid infections.  And as everyone know, kids in school are little petrie dishes
of germs.  As this writing his last treatment is tomorrow.  Hoping we can return to her 
regular visits soon.  I sure do miss her.

So this looks odd, right??  This was from last summer when she and I did a sleep over
at my daughter’s house.  Esk thought of it as a spa event - hence the sliced 
cucumbers over her eyes.  She is such an animated kid.

This is from her marital arts class.  Her parents keep her very busy.

This is from that same class.  The kids are learning to roll safely.

This is an old picture.  She much younger, but what I loved about
this picture is her drawing.  Silly me!  I didn’t realize that scientists wear crowns!!

I made this picture larger so you could read what she wrote and see her picture.  It is an 
older poster.  She was just learning to write last year (kindergarten) and sounding out words.  What 
what is really interesting is her drawn picture of herself on the flag ... also with a crown.
I am hoping that in first grade they cover the topic that our presidents don’t wear crowns!!  

She was in a drama summer camp that put on a play!  Notice.  Another crown.  What she really wants to be is a princess (thank you Disney.). I have tried to aim her goals higher.  Shoot for Queen!!!! :-)
Nope!  Princess it is.

I love this little person more than words can say.  Check out the art work!
Another crown.

This is how she dressed for picture day in 1st grade this year.  Her mother let
her decide what she would wear.  Esk wanted the full deal - make up and nail polish - and her
mother drew the line on those final details.  But this little girl doesn’t need 
any that to pull off a picture full of attitude!  I think the shoes add a special touch.
And if you missed it - check out the crown!!!!

Dance class from last spring I believe. 

This past summer her parents took her to a local playground.  I think my
son captured this picture that he titled “I am the captain.”
Apparently she arranged to have her playground friends
spin her around and he overheard her saying ... I am the captain.  
🤣
This girl ... she has a way about her.

But of all pictures, this one of my favorites.  
She really is so many wonderful things.  
She has amazing language skills, is very bright, has a wonderful imagination,
 a pretty good sense of what is right and wrong
 (and sometimes I get “schooled” on that),
a way of interacting with her peers that speaks volumes about her future leadership qualities.  She 
is an animated 'mover and shaker' at 6 years old.  She has my son’s beautiful eyes and her mother’s lovely mouth.  Look out world!!!

That is my very wonderful grand daughter.

A Finished Knitted Project - after more than a year!!

I took a large break from knitting.  An unbelievable break for a knitter of over 30 years!  A slightly worrisome break that maybe, just maybe, I was done knitting for good.  That last thought I found disturbing and it contributed to my return to knitting.  Mind you, I still went to yarn fairs and made modest purchases.  The air at those events is infused with more than just the smell of sheep and tasty food.  

Someone really should jar up that air and sell it!! 😁  

But getting back to actual knitting happened mostly because of my downsizing efforts.  I got rid of bags of yarn that I no longer loved.  I got rid of left over yarn. I got rid of half finished projects.  I was pretty brutal about it.  But here is the thing ...  at the same time I found yarns in my stash I still desperately loved - that I still wanted to cast on to needles  - projects that I really wanted to wear.  THAT is what got me back to knitting in the end - a reminder of the beautiful yarn gems I had stored out of sight.  Those discarded yarns were with me for years (probably decades) because I thought I would eventually use them.  After all, I have a very long life ahead of me and I would use them at some point.  

That last sentence is filled with so many false assumptions - the greatest of which is that no one no matter how young you are you can't count on “a very long life ahead.”  We all think it anyway.   But at my age I am past the point of thinking I have infinite time ahead of me.  It came down to this: Do I love, love, love this yarn?  Will I be disappointed with myself if I never get to knit with it or wear it?  Notice - the word “like” isn’t any part of this decision making process.  Love is the standard.  Be assured, that all the yarn that left my ownership went to good homes.  I even donated to a Senior Center that had a knitting group - and one day as I was walking past the place where they were meeting, I saw some of that yarn being used.  That was SUCH a good feeling. I walked away with a smile on my face.

And that brings us to this ...

I loved this yarn the moment I saw it online during the On-Line Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival in May 2019 - during the early days of the Covid Pandemic - when large in person events were strongly discouraged or in some cases forbidden.   

The yarn is 100% silk Fingering yarn from Neighborhood Fiber Company in the color way called Cooper Circle. This project turned out to be more of a shawlette than a full size shawl.

When I soaked the shawl before blocking - the color bled something fierce.  

And tacking the shawl to the blocking board also turned my hands red.

Regardless, I still love it.  I have enough of this yarn left to make another something.  I purchased 1600 yards of this silk at the time.  It was my only purchase that year and it was a pretty hefty price per skein.  And since I still love it,  I plan to use it up.  My blog friend, A :-), on Knit and Run had the same yarn in her stash and made it up in a shawl called Drops of Joy, by Janina Kallie.  I loved her shawl and immediately purchased the pattern. It requires only 435 yards.  I have quite a bit more than that so I will be extending this shawl size for sure. 

I will definitely cast on Drops of Joy before the New Year.  Right now I am working on another project ... that will be spotlighted on another post.

So the knitting drought is over! 

Next up - grand daughter pictures from a recent visit.  I promised several posts ago.  Time to make good on that promise. 

  

O.M.G The Energy It Takes

I seriously underestimated how fatiguing this cancer journey would be.  After all, I have done this thing called caregiving many times for other relatives.  I even had an 8 year experience that lasted right to my mother’s last breath.  I prepared my personal life and sorted out most of the known challenges we were told to expect.  

So, yeah!  I got this!!!

Imagine my surprise ... I don’t “got this!!”

And that is partly why I haven’t been blogging in the last few weeks.   Getting caught off guard is not my favorite position.

To start, (and most importantly) my husband’s status at this point is good.  He has completed 7 radiation treatments and 2 chemotherapy treatments thus far.  Other than one extended period of re-current hiccups (which is, in fact, a cancer treatment “thing”) that was quickly dispatched with muscle relaxants - and one rather minor chemo reaction during his first session - he has been symptom free.  The possible symptoms for both radiation and chemo, however, are several pages in length, so we are watchful.  And, by the way, hiccups were not on any of their symptom lists - but it was confirmed as a valid symptom when we talked to the doctor-on-call.  Regardless, we are in early days on this treatment, and we know more things are in our future.  Exactly what those “things” are, are yet to be discovered.  I am trying not to cross any bridges before we get there.  

My own fatigue during these early days came as a surprise to me.  Looking back I realize that I overlooked a few obvious things. 

I was a younger caregiver the last time I did this.  I was also in better health.  Being past the age 75 by a few years and having several health issues myself - caregiving is a much harder job than I remember.  And then there is the spouse issue.  I took care of one grandmother and 2 mothers as they aged - with the knowledge that we were not heading back to a healthier or younger life - just a more comfortable and supported one, as their own life came to a natural end.  A husband with a cancer that could/might kill him is an entirely different situation.  Yes, we are both older and our own “natural end" is nearer to us than it was 25 years ago.  BUT, I am not ready to have either of us take that step out of this life!  We are not done being retired together!!  This is not negotiable!! (Yes, those words, ’not negotiable’, popped into my head as I watched him have a reaction to his first chemotherapy!)  The nursing staff was excellent - they got it under control right away - and continued the therapy which he completed with no other problems.  

But this isn’t the "slam dunk" that I armored myself with as we started down this path in August. 

There is a low rumble of stress that runs underneath the surface of our lives now.   I try to keep my worries to myself.   He needs competent and positive support.  We will attempt to conquer any obstacles that come our way - one step at a time!   Attitude plays a very very important part in cancer healing. He is not doing this alone.

But, O.M.G - the energy it takes, and we aren’t even in the hard part yet.  Radiation and chemo both continue until October 21st.  The side effects can last for months after treatment ends.  And the reality is that the “cure” rates are not terribly high for this type of cancer at the 5 year benchmark.  I don’t know how much research my husband has done on his own, but I have done a lot - and take it from me - “not knowing” sometimes is better than “knowing.”  

Anyway, now that I have dumped all my thoughts into this blog post - maybe I will be able to find a small bit of peace.  Carrying all this crap around in my head has done me no favors.  And it is the beginning of the weekend!  No treatments on Saturday or Sunday. We both kind of laughed as we left the infusion center at the idea that we were looking forward to an open weekend.  Since retiring many years ago, weekends kind of lost their luster when every weekday was the same as the weekend!    

Getting Oriented

In one day I got pretty well oriented to what our future will be for the next 2 months or so.  Knowing little before hand had me focusing on the home front - things I needed to do logistically to make our future months a little more organized.

For me, my first step above all others was reducing my focus on all other things and laser beaming in on what things would make my life and my husband’s simpler.  That started with reducing my calendar to just the home and my husband - and the many doctor visits ahead of both of us.  While I understand that having that narrow view might not work for all, it definitely works for me.  It is like a “peace of mind” settles on me knowing I have freed up the time I need to be successful at what I need to do.

In a previous blog post I looked at the concept of “joy” which I was cautioned not to eliminate from my own life.  Thankfully I can find many opportunities for joy inside my 4 walls.  And with reduced exterior distractions, I can actually enjoy those home opportunities better.  Others may need their fun to come from external sources.  Thankfully that is not the case for me.  So the first steps in preparing ... are done.

The second step was attending the radiation and chemo orientation appointments which we did on Monday. That was enlightening as it gave structure to the typical treatment plan going forward, with time lines and hurdles the patient will face along the way.  One of those hurdles with radiation treatments of the throat is the physical problem with swallowing ... that becomes a major issue a few weeks into treatment.  And speaking of “weeks,” his radiation treatments will extend every day Monday through Friday for 5 or 6 weeks.  So getting enough nutrition and hydration becomes a major time consuming process at some point.  There are some medicinal options to aid patients with that stage and I am sure we will get the full picture as we approach that hurdle.  The other hurdle is the chronic fatigue.  Not much can be done for that except to give into the need to rest and give your body the downtime it needs to cope with this treatment assault and to heal after that treatment ends.  There are other side effects but those two are the major ones to manage.  Chemo will happen once a week at the same time as the radiation treatments.  As it turns out, the side effects from the chemo drugs he will be infused with have little to no side effects.  It is pretty much a fight to withstand the radiation. 

Having that knowledge I am preparing notes of the kinds of things we should have available of the soft food variety that can be swallowed the easiest and provides the most calories.  I’ll probably keep a diary of his intake - they will be monitoring his weight with each visit - and we will be assisted by a nutritionist through the tough stages.

One other personal realization was made very very clear during these two orientation sessions.  While my right knee is slowly (very very slowly) improving with PT - one walk into the first office and subsequent walking from point A to point B (and C and D and ...), that kind of walking 5 days a week for 5-6 weeks will not be possible.  I came home limping - right knee very sore - and I spent most of the evening on ice.  The next morning the knee was improved to the point it was before that first trip.  But repeating this walking routine day after day after day ...  at some point I would lose ground on the improvement and be unable to be his driver/companion for his treatments.  Unacceptable! So I contacted my rheumatologist and requested an appointment for the cortisone injections into the knee.  I’ll keep the PT going because long term that is the best choice, but in the short term, it is pretty much useless for the knee under so much irritating use.

I have the added invisible health issue of anemia.  The blood counts have been dipping again.  Another iron infusion has been ordered, and my appointment is set for September 3.  That timing is perfect!  I’ll get the infusion and within 3 or 4 days I should have my energy (and mental focus) back.  Those infusions last me about 5 or 6 months .... lasting long enough to get my husband over this treatment phase.

Lastly - my new tote performed admirably.  Before packing it up for its maiden voyage, I had second thoughts.  It seems just a bit too big.  But after I finished packing, I realized it was just about the right size. I walked with it over my shoulder freeing my one hand to use a cane and my other hand to guide my husband. I did notice that my 32 ounce water bottle was just a bit too big to fit into the bag comfortably so I ordered a 16 ounce bottle which should fit just fine.  Sixteen ounces is about the right amount to carry on individual trips.

So we are off and “running” ... figuratively speaking.