On the other side

So it is done, right knee is replaced, and I am so tired and so sore.  But it is “fixed."  I am healing and started my first rehab appointment ... so I can take the quotes off the word fixed.

Regardless of my limitations during this healing stage, the hospital experience was exceptional.  Mercy Hospital is run by a religious order called the Sisters of Mercy in Baltimore. It is a large city hospital with an excellent reputation. In fact, although I didn’t shop around for a doctor, I landed in the hands of an excellent orthopedic surgeon. When I was asked by 4 others who was doing my surgery (2 of my specialists, my physical therapist and the hospital intake RN)  all said the same thing.  He is a quiet man, one of few words and a very competent and gifted surgeon.  The RN also said he has a pretty large practice in fixing other doctors’ mistakes from around the state. It is an example of an important consideration in where to live - living close to high value and well respected quality health care services is as important as any other consideration - maybe even more so.  

And my favorite memory is that I got to meet Mako, the robot who shared the spotlight with my surgeon.  In 2023 my kidney was removed by a robot partnered with a surgeon.  I wanted to meet that robot as well, but as I was being rolled down the hall to the surgery, the anesthesia staff had already injected something into my IV line.  I never even saw the doors to the surgery suite. But this time was different.  I was rolled into the surgical suite in a wheel chair. There were 4 or 5 staff there - all gowned and masked up.  They all introduced themselves. That was a first for me.  Finally I asked where was Mako.  I want to meet Mako - and at that very same minute they were rolling her (? him ? ? it ? ) in. I got a chance to meet the robot that already had all the measurements of my knee in its memory banks. She knew things about me that I didn’t even know!! She was the guide and the guardian of my surgery.  Yes, in hind site - she had to be a “she.” 

Now I am suffering from expected post-surgical knee pain which, at some point, will subside - unlike the pre-surgical knee pain which only got worst.  The first night I tried to sleep in my bed without success.  Once again, sleeping in my lounger was the best choice - as it was when I had my kidney surgery. I was prescribed the typical opioid meds as well as some suggested over-the-counter ones.  But there are no shortcuts to managing pain in the early healing stages.  While I can’t get to a pain free level, skipping pain meds is also not a good choice.  Earlier this week, I slept through the night without pain - until I moved to visit the bathroom in the morning.  I was reminded quite profoundly by my leg that I had major surgery on this knee and that skipping pain meds is a bad thing.  It hurt like hell! And playing catch up with the meds doesn’t work either.  If you don’t keep to the schedule and take those pills, you learn quickly that skipping any scheduled pain pills is a mistake. My daughter, who noticed my increased pain level (and after consultation with her brother by phone,) reminded me that she hadn’t heard my phone alarm and she was pretty sure I had a missed a pain pill cycle or two over night.  She gently reminded me to set that alarm and take my meds - even over night. Of course I know this!  It is the same advice I give anyone who is having surgery. Apparently I am good a giving advice but not following it. 😂  And now that I am following my own advice - and taking those darn pills, my colon has decided to go on vacation!  *Sigh* You fix one thing and another thing breaks!!  But that is a story for another time ... maybe!  It is just nice to know that my kids are acting like a safety net - and as a team apparently.  (I must be a difficult person to manage 😂😂😂😂😂.  Who knew??)

My first rehab session was yesterday, and all the pre-surgery exercise work I did - exercises done for years to avoid this surgery - paid off after this surgery. Now, after this surgery, I can still extend my leg to almost 0 degrees - or entirely flat to the floor - which is one of the rehab goals.  The second goal is how well you can bend your knee.  I don’t know the “passing grade” for this, but before surgery - laying on the floor - I could bring my heel up to my butt to within an inch or two inches,  even when it was swollen a bit.  That angle of bend is far above the goal standard.  Now my success rate is much reduced.  My bend is a bunch of inches shy of my previous achievement. Of course while some of it is due to surgery swelling, it looks like there is work to do.  But the PT tech was very impressed with how far I can bend my knee (while I, at the very same time looking at the very same knee, was appalled by at how much bend I had lost.) Mind you, both demonstrations were achieved with considerable effort and teeth grinding on my part. (Apparently I am such a competition “junkie.”)  But it appears that I aced that first PT visit.

So I am finally on the right side of this journey and it feels really good!

Getting my swelling down and producing a poop are my next goals!! (Oh my, TMI?? Maybe, but the simplest things are important too.)

Till next time.

A Shorty

 So here I am the day before knee surgery with only a few minutes to share on the blog. 

 I am definitely not nervous - just eager to get this “fix” done and start the recovery, hopefully, also reclaim some of the physical aspects of my life that I have lost.  

My to-do list for today is still too long - so I better get at it!! See you on the “other side”!!!

Health Updates

Finally - movement in the right direction!!!

My husband’s EGD and the biopsy results came back negative for cancer.  But cancer cells are small little devils that can be missed in that sampling.  So another test was ordered called Guardiant360 which is a liquid biopsy blood test for cancer DNA circulating in the blood.  That test also came back negative!!  All  the news is very encouraging.   He is officially in remission and scheduled for his first surveillance PET scan in September.  Routine surveillance testing will be in his life for some time.  Hopefully that will give us a jump on any further problems if they develop.  He still has low blood counts but, at present, they want to just watch that problem.

This "win” for him is a window for me.  Knee replacement - here I come.  It has been scheduled for September 12!  I am in the middle of many many to-dos in preparation for this surgery.   Get clearance from my various specialists. (So far all my specialists say I am “good to go.” Thank God.  I couldn’t take another delay.) Make home arrangements and transportation arrangements.  Schedule PT appointments.  While some reports indicate that this surgery recovery can long and difficult, just taking one positive step forward to fix this knee has lifted my spirits.

Meanwhile I am struggling with fatigue. And after more than a year of reduced activity and increasing pain not to mention the low blood counts I have had since my kidney surgery in 2023 - the whole of my life has taken a significant hit!  I am forced to avoid walking for exercise as it does nothing but aggravate my knee. I even avoid extra steps in the house.  And so much time spent on a walker has messed with my balance.  If I focus on something intently while standing (like grapes in a grocery store - normal stuff) - I can find my self tilting left or right or backwards.  I am aware of it fairly quickly and adjust but it is disturbing.  

September 12th can’t get here fast enough. Physical therapy and I have a lot to correct post surgery. 

Planner Failures!

I have to say, when a long term problem / illness / struggle / challenge ... arrives "center stage" in my life, it expresses itself in unexpected ways.  My center stage issue since 2023 has been my health.  The unexpected expression was Planner Failure!

How can you make a simple planner fail?  It all started with a cough.  

It started with the diagnosis of silent reflux, the cough origin, and the accidental discovery of a kidney tumor on a test  (lead actor - Gastroenterology), then surgery to remove the tumor and the kidney (Stage Left - Urology), which led to stopping anti-inflammatory meds because my lone kidney couldn’t handle that (welcome - Nephrology), resulting in exponentially increased knee pain (Stage Right - Orthopedics.). There were a few side acts in this journey - like a fast heart rate (off to a Cardiology,) and a second opinion on the cough (off to ENT,) and anemia (off to Hematology). 

There were just too many ‘ologies in my life. Too many appointments in too short a time.  And that became evident in one confusing telephone call where I started taking about Cardiology things with the Hematology staff.  Opps! Wrong body system.  That was embarrassing.

Sincerely, that is how avalanches start - a single snow flake (a cough) rolls down a snow covered hill and it becomes a force of nature that can’t be stopped (ending in 7 new doctors added to my current 5 doctors - 12 in all - before the end of 2023). 

No wonder my poor little planner couldn’t keep up - and I wasn’t doing that well either.

And all that began before my husband’s cough found by ENT and then the cancer found by Gastroenterology.  His appointments on top of mine.  Stunning.  But I am jumping ahead of myself.

The search for a better planner began.

 May 2023 to December 2023

After retiring and shedding a professional life, I used a simple monthly calendar.  It was a refillable red leather binder. No daily or weekly pages. Just monthly sheets filled with small little blocks for each day.  The size was about 5x8 inches.  To Dos were kept on a 3x5 note card. Simple life. Simple tools. It worked for years. (Until I got that cough, of course.)

My old red leather friend. You can tell it is loved.  

Then in May 2023 my calendar began to fill with medical tests, new doctors, old doctors, lots of appointments.   The picture below used to also have multiple yellow sticky notes all over it as well as folder paper inserts because there was no room for details in this system.  For 7 months I held on to this long held friend, because it had worked for years, but it was failing me now, just like my health.

I had to find a better way. 

January to August 2024

Enter the Laurel Denise planner. A full month display with small weekly pages that could be flipped during the current month - without covering the full month display. Genius. Lots and lots of unassigned space for your use.  YouTube videos offered creative suggestions. Lists, upon lists.  Decorations.  Time management. It was grand.  It was expensive, but I needed a way to keep 2 lives in order. I needed peace of mind.

They had pretty covers and a green fake leather zipper cover I just loved.

Opened - it is really very wide.

But after using it for a few months I discovered its short comings based on my personal needs.

• It was too big. Carrying this planner with me was a no-go.
• The day spaces in the month calendar were small - too small for my handwriting.   
• The planner boasted of mucho space to write other info - like menus, books lists, future shopping trips, habit tracking, planning ideas, cleaning cycles, on and on and on. This was much more than I needed. But you can see I did give it a good try.
• It took up too much time to write everything and decorate each month.

If you look at this planner as a hobby or maybe a type of diary, then it is for you.  I needed a tool - not hobby. 

Time to look again.

August 2024 to December 2024

I did an Amazon and Google search in mid 2024.  I found the 2024-2025 17 month planner by Rifle Paper Company.

I loved the cover

It was more minimalist. It did have weekly pages and goal setting pages that were totally worthless to me.  I bought this when I shouldn’t have done so.  The logic was wrong for me.  All the monthly pages were in the front and all the weekly pages were in the back.  I did, however, love the pretty face/cover it had.

This is a sample of the weekly pages located at the back of the planner.  
I got tired of flipping from the front to the back - and the back to the
front.  

If I was going to use the weekly spaces (which I wasn’t) they should follow its month calendar, not stacked at the back of the planner.  It was a crazy organization. I was shopping once again.

January 2025 to June 2025 

At the end of 2024, Laural Denise came out with a new smaller version - the weekly Portrait Edition. It was a simplified version of the larger planner I abandoned.  I really did like the Laural Denise line so in desperation I order this new portrait version.  It was slimmed down. No flood of extra stuff I didn’t want. It still made the effort to show a full month at a time, with weekly flip pages along the bottom for whatever lists you wanted.  This was the one.  I was sure of it.

Laural Denise had some very pretty covers.

I really thought this design was the one!  It wasn’t.

I used the weekly flip pages at the bottom for my “To Do” lists.  I assigned to dos to each day. But by the time I started using this planner, my knee pain was interfering with much of my life.  Getting things done on specific days didn’t happen.  I was always moving to-dos.  I lost patience once again with the Laurel Denise design.

The search began again.  I was pretty tired of it all.

July 2025 to present

By now I wasn’t going to be sucked in by a pretty face cover. What I needed was:

• Monthly pages only with large day blocks.  Lines in the blocks would be nice. 
• A small space for habit tracking.
• A blank page or two between months.
• An 18 month calendar so I could start in July 2025
• Hard cover and sewn in spine that lies flat when open would be a plus

Back to Amazon I went. *sigh*

Here is what found. The brand is Poprun on Amazon.  They have a many choices in calendar design and colors.  I had never heard of them before, but they had what I wanted.  They were the most inexpensive choice of all the choices above.

This is the cover.  Despite the 2026 label - it is an 18 month calendar. I
 chose the color.

A monthly page.  Good size blocks with interior lines. On the left a “notes” column that I made into a check list for me habits.

It had these 2 blank pages between the months.  Perfect for me.  I found some “To Do”
lists on Amazon that I might use, but I am guessing I will default to 3x5 cards at some
point.

Looking at this latest choice, it occurs to me that this planner is just a larger size of the first red covered planner that worked for me for years.  *sigh*. 

All the doctors' visits and testing has settled down from every 3 months to once a year in most cases. I have completed all the tests from all the ‘ologies, and I am coming in mostly normal or cured - except for this stupid right knee.

And now I can’t help wondering if my old red leather friend who I loved and kept, ... (wait for it) ... might be able to keep up with my current life once again!  

😍😍

By the way, I still have reflux!!  

😆

A blog born out of struggle and love!

Have you ever looked back at your first posts in your blog? 

Maybe discover why you started a blog?  

Possibility remembered things you forgot? 

I did.  It was interesting.

Start Date: July 20, 2010 - 15 years ago. 

 
Blog Title:  How did I come up with a 20 year title?  I suspect in my brain I thought 20 years was a time far, far in the future! hmm ... In 5 years I will have reached that mysterious 20 years.  Not so far in the future at all!!  Then what!

Retired in 2007:  Wow, in 2027 I will be retired 20 years! I need to send that financial guy a thank you note.  He made it possible to have such a long retirement.

My writing style hasn’t changed in 15 years.   Is that good or bad?

My focus: 20 goals - 20 of them!  Good Grief! Who has time for 20!!  Youth and energy were still mine in my late 50s. I also didn’t finish that list.  Ran out of steam I think.   Now I have 1 goal.  Take a 30 minute walk outside safely without a walker or cane (notice I didn’t say things like ... without pain, or without getting winded, or without having a heart attack). 

 I was not truthful back then why I started a blog and I remember very clearly why I started it.  And it wasn’t for goal tracking or a diary or to run off at the mouth (which I do a lot 😀 in case you haven’t noticed ) ...  No - it took me 1 year of writing about every little unimportant  thing until I cracked.  You see, unconsciously, I created the blog as a secret pressure valve to release relieve the stress that was building in my pressure cooker life. 

My mom and her dementia! 

On August 15, 2011 - it all began to spill out of me!  My first blog post on her called Through My Care Giver Eyes appeared. You can find that post here.   I continued to create a series of these posts from 2011 until her death in December 2014.  

At the start I turned off the comments on these specific posts.  I needed to document this experience somewhere and I wasn’t looking for feedback.  My readers, however, weren’t deterred.  They by passed the blog and sent comments to my email address.  And they were so supportive and caring.  They encouraged me to allow comments.  So I did! It was the best advice I ever received. 

The pressure valve was working. 

Now as an elder person myself, it is not the struggles and pain I see in these posts (although it is definitely there), but the golden opportunity I had to spend quality time with my mom at the end of her life.  I don’t regret one single second of it.  I shed some tears reading some of these posts.  It is true what they say - grief doesn’t leave us after the death of a loved one - no matter how many years pass.  We just learn to live with it.

Mom in Assisted Living with the Easter Bunny!!

I am glad to have the opportunity to remember her through my writings and pictures. Now as I walk (slowly, very slowly walk) in her shoes, I wish I could have just 15 minutes with her now - to apologize for my mistakes during our time together (and believe me, there were quite a few), and to thank her for all the years of my growing up when she juggled life with her alcoholic husband and raising 2 daughters.  She knew I loved her, but I am not sure she knew how grateful I was in making sure my sister and I turned out as normal productive adults.  My dad with his addiction really did not have a hand in that - it was all mom!

The pictures below are from a very happy time.  The wedding of my son.  I am so so happy mom was alive and mobile enough to participate.  

Mom arriving for her grandson’s wedding.

My son, Matt, my mother and daughter-in-law, Maureen.

Mom with all 4 of her grandchildren - Robin, Jessica (my sister’s daughters) and Kristin, Matthew (my kids)

My sister and I with mom.

Mom at my son’s wedding.

My mom - happier times.

Adjusting with the Third Gel Shot

So far this 3rd gel shot has been a disappointment.  The 1st and 2nd shots both provided some marginal and encouraging improvement.  The last shot which was 6 days ago has not provided a positive bump in reducing pain.  Fortunately, it hasn’t made things worse either. I know improvement can take longer with this type of treatment.  Just keeping my fingers crossed that I don’t lose any progress.

I am trying, however, to be efficient and somewhat productive.  While I can’t really do a lot of social activities or any major condo cleaning, I keep focused on doing whatever small things I can do in whatever location I find myself.  I do my best to put things back where they belong, complete some minor surface cleaning, and keep my To Do list updated (even if I don’t get to the “doing” part) so that on good (and bad) days, I can get something done.  These small actions are really “mental health” crutches for me. Right now I need order and structure in my life - since my health is not orderly.

I do sit more than I would like, but the knee can only withstand so much activity.  As a result, I stream a lot of movies and TV shows while knitting or doing other sedentary household tasks like menu creation, bill paying, etc.  But to stay focused on movement, I track my step counts.  The “actuals” on the step counter were not a surprise.  Before the knee issue, I could hit 10,000 steps a day pretty easily with 30-40 minute walks included.  When focused on movement, I could reach 11,000 to 12,000 steps with little effort.  On days when I didn’t take a walk, my step counts naturally fell in the 5,000-7,000 range. Now things have changed.  I noticed my counts fall around 2,100.  One day we went food shopping, and my count was around 4,500. While these were pretty low counts, they were higher than I expect.  I really thought I wouldn’t break 1,000 steps.  I suspect these counts have been typical for me for almost a year because I have been growing into this limited state since July 2024.  I find myself hammering down a panic feeling of what this reduced life style is doing to my overall health.  I already know it has created balance and fatigue issues (and if I am being totally honest, some depression as well.)

On the upside, my husband’s EGD is 48 hours away.  That test will determine not only his future health path, but the timing of mine as well.  I know now that surgery is my only next step - but it is a fix I can’t schedule until I know what the course of his treatment.

I am doing my best to not wallow in self pity - which is very very tempting at times.  When I force my self to look for positives - I do find them.  Because I cannot walk through most of the large grocery stores typical in my area, I have discovered the joy of shopping at a smaller grocery store called Trader Joe’s.  They have almost everything I need, they also carry items you can’t find in other stores because the store is almost entirely their Trader Joe’s own brand, and their prices are actually competitive.  Grocery shopping has turned interesting again.

Another thought.  While I can’t keep up a social calendar - I have more time for binge watching TV shows and movies.  I am knitting and reading more and I am back to blogging again. 

Recently I recognized another positive (well, not really a true positive but a reflection of a personal concerns I have for myself due to family history.)  I am at an age when friends and acquaintances are beginning to fail in even bigger ways than me.  One friend has been moved into Assisted Living due to her declining mental state. It has been a bumpy transition for her causing much sorrow and financial difficulties for her spouse.  It makes me sad to see that happening to friends - especially a friend who was so smart and well educated.  While my husband and I are struggling with some serious life changing health issues, we are still independent.  Our financial outlook is more stable because we downsized and sold an over-sized property 10 years ago. Those actions were taken when we were strong, younger and relatively healthy.  They made our current situation manageable without extra expense or intervention by our children.  But dementia can happen to anyone and it can run in families as it does in mine. No signs of it yet in me - as best as I can judge. So I guess it is a positive for me - until it isn’t.  It is, however, a constant shadow that never really leaves.  

I find a good reminder to reflect more on the things that are working well - and not dwell on challenges of aging. The balance of working well and not working well becomes harder to manage as time passes.  I think my husband and I are still on the plus side of elder life.  At least I hope we are.

... until we aren’t!

So in my next few blog posts I am going to share some pictures and non-health related updates!  This introspection stuff is too much like “work.” 😆

Test Cases

Since the beginning of May there have been 3 occasions - 3 times when I had to be in public on my own coping with this knee. Looking back, they were like “test cases."

The first test occasion was the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival at the beginning of May.  In that effort I was on a cane.  I headed home one hour after I arrived because I wasn’t confident my knee would hold up.  Soon after in the days following I was on a walker.   Small panic feelings started to build in me.  I tried to keep those emotions out of sight around others, but my pain grew and my world shrunk.

A month later the gel shots began.  Within the first week, hope was back on my radar. After the second shot, it seemed possible I could eventually move away from a cane and walker. In fact, after the second shot, I could move about the condo with no aids most of the time.  It was a stiff halting gait but it was possible.

Ok, then.  Progress.

The second test occasion was last weekend when I visited with my daughter at her house.  Without intending to "test the waters" of my minimal recovery, I decided to stop at a Trader Joes to pick up a bouquet of flowers for her birthday.  Before getting out of the car, I remember sitting for a bit trying to decide should I use the walker or only the cane.  I’d been doing well at home so I picked the cane.  By the time I crossed the parking lot and got on the side walk, I realized I had picked wrong!  The parking lot was on a slope.  The side walk was a bit uneven. There were a LOT of people moving swiftly about me with the shopping carts and kids and bags ... it seemed too much for me to get around.  My knee was not particularly painful (the good news), but my balance was clearly not up to the task of using only a cane in this busy uneven environment (the bad news).  And I was alone - no back up.   I was,`however, already committed to this choice.  Returning to the car for the walker would add many more steps, and I had already learned that “less is sometimes more” when it comes to just how many steps I could take before limiting knee pain might appear. I continued forward focusing mostly on avoiding people so I wasn’t accidentally nudged by someone causing me to fall.  Falling seems like my biggest risk now.  While I made it back to my car without incident (but with the flowers), I was shook by the 15 minute experience.   

I worried that my balance and stamina were lacking more than I was willing to admit.  I felt so uneasy. And unease replaced confidence.  I hated that feeling. 

Today was my third gel shot. It was also my third test case.

Because I was not willing to accept the first 2 tests attempts as “forever” results, I left my walker home. (A bold move, I thought, as I started up the car to leave for my appointment.)  I only brought a cane with me.  At the doctor’s parking lot and sidewalks, the surfaces were flat and even.  There were no crowds to maneuver around.  I wasn’t in anyone’s way so I could take my time.  I made it home with no crisis in confidence.  

So ... while I have to stay at rest for the next 2 days after this 3rd shot - I need to increase my general movement going forward (even if that is only walking around the condo more).  I am definitely not moving enough.  

Before I left, the ortho doc he said this last shot should reach its maximum effectiveness in about 10 days.  “If you find yourself in bad pain at that time, call the office."

In 10 days?  Bad pain?  Guess there is no real magic cure out there - even a temporary one!   

Fingers crossed that he purposely sets expectations low.