Two ”Post-Cancer” Journeys

Warning: 

I try to avoid politics in my blog.  But sometimes it just seeps up through the cracks!  If you are a Trump supporter - I encourage you to skip this post.  

Let’s begin with the first post cancer journey - as it impacts my husband and I most directly.  Since October 21, my husband has been recovering from the treatments that are meant to kill his cancer.  We are now in a holding pattern until his PET scan in December.  This period has not been totally peaceful.  He received 2 units of blood 5 days after his last treatment because his oxygen carrying blood cells - his hemoglobin - had dropped into the critical range just before his last chemo and radiation.  Getting through that 5 days till the transfusion was a bit harrowing.  It is stunning just how impactful oxygen in the blood is to the body.  Three days after that vital transfusion, he saw his Oncologist and they pulled another blood test.  Those 2 units didn’t raise his oxygen levels as much as was needed.  In fact his hemoglobin levels were lower. Thinking back I realized that before his last chemo his hemoglobin was low enough to trigger the blood transfusion.  Then he had the last chemo and the last radiation!  They probably dropped his levels even lower.  So low that he couldn’t walk from the bed to the bathroom without stopping to rest.  I can tell you I didn’t sleep very well that week.  I kept waking to make sure he was still breathing.  The first transfusion brought him back up to functional but no where near safely normal.  So he is scheduled for a second transfusion of 2 more units - probably this week.  And this time, since he has had no other treatments, he should be closer to normal.  The PET scan in December will tell us if that cancer is gone.

Now onto the next “cancer” journey - the national one!

Tomorrow is Election Day. Tomorrow is our National PET scan test to determine if we have managed to wipe out the head of that cancer called Trump from our Oval Office for good.  I remember back to 2016 when Trump entered the race for the Presidency.  I remember thinking even then that this man who had absolutely no experience in governing, no public service experience, no experience in the practice of law, no military service - nothing that would remotely qualify him for the highest office in our land - couldn’t last as a viable candidate.  All I knew was that he was some sort of rich business man who had a shady background and had declared bankruptcy several times - and that he had a TV show where he enjoyed firing contestants.  My gut said - this man is a crook!  My gut was right.  Since that time - this Trump-cancer has spread and infected an entire political party and a HUGE number of our citizenship with a cult-like mob approach.  As a Registered Independent, I couldn’t understand why the Republican Party stand up to him and provide our country with a true conservative choice for President.  Over the years I watched as that party was hijacked by this singular Trump-cancer.  Now this same Trump-cancer threatens our very democratic institutions.  Never, never, never - in my whole life - did I worry that the person chosen by the people to be our President would destroy us - until the Trump-cancer.  

In this election cycle I have been addicted to all the news feeds related to this upcoming election.  And it has truly been an addiction that I will need to break myself from.  No matter who wins this week I need to step back from haunting all the news feeds (even Fox) - and break away for my own peace of mind.  Even if Kamala Harris wins (and I so pray that she does), the poison that is the Trump-cancer  will still fester in our country for a while.  This “illness” that has almost killed us will take time to heal.  The hate and devision that Trump-cancer has normalized will still be around.  There is no national “blood transfusion” that will cleanse our country.  Just time and patience.   But the PET scan, our upcoming election, is the first healing step in that process!

It pleases me no end - if the one to clean up this MAGA mess - is a woman!

FINALLY!!

Last Treatment In The Books

My husband had his last radiation treatment today!  His last chemo treatment was last Friday.  If he wasn’t so tired this morning ...  it might have been “Celebration Time."  

The day started a little low.  He said the fatigue was pretty awful this morning.  Of course, when we got there they were running late because one of their two radiation treatment units was down.  They did resolve whatever the problem was, but when you have patient treatments scheduled every 15 minutes it didn’t take long before patients dressed in gowns were backed up in the waiting areas and hallway.  They offered the option to reschedule to tomorrow, but we weren’t going anywhere since this was his last treatment.  Actually I didn’t notice anyone taking up that offer.  I think once you start down this path - the whole focus is to “just get through it.”  But everyone was patient.  The staff there is exceptional.

After the radiation, we met with the doctor who remarked that my husband handled the treatments better than any other patient in their memory.  And it is true.  Aside from the late onset fatigue today - he had nothing that was listed in their handouts.  He did have a number of small side effects from the chemo but those were very easily handled by medication.

So .... now we wait until December.  Between now and then he needs to heal and rest.  His PET scan is set for mid-December.  There is a lot of “waiting” with this disease.  It does teach you patience.  No popping a pill and you are better.

Anyway, between now and then I have a bunch of pictures, interests and stories to share.  I am so happy to be back blogging again.  I did miss it - and missed the community of blog friends I have made over the years.  Thank you for coming back.  I am a very lucky blogger.

My Dear Sweet Grand Daughter

As promised - an embarrassing long time ago - Grand daughter pictures.  Brace yourself.  This post is picture heavy.  

So every time she comes for a visit I try to get a decorated cookie for her.  

 

This was from her last visit to our condo before my husband began his treatment
and needed to avoid infections.  And as everyone know, kids in school are little petrie dishes
of germs.  As this writing his last treatment is tomorrow.  Hoping we can return to her 
regular visits soon.  I sure do miss her.

So this looks odd, right??  This was from last summer when she and I did a sleep over
at my daughter’s house.  Esk thought of it as a spa event - hence the sliced 
cucumbers over her eyes.  She is such an animated kid.

This is from her marital arts class.  Her parents keep her very busy.

This is from that same class.  The kids are learning to roll safely.

This is an old picture.  She much younger, but what I loved about
this picture is her drawing.  Silly me!  I didn’t realize that scientists wear crowns!!

I made this picture larger so you could read what she wrote and see her picture.  It is an 
older poster.  She was just learning to write last year (kindergarten) and sounding out words.  What 
what is really interesting is her drawn picture of herself on the flag ... also with a crown.
I am hoping that in first grade they cover the topic that our presidents don’t wear crowns!!  

She was in a drama summer camp that put on a play!  Notice.  Another crown.  What she really wants to be is a princess (thank you Disney.). I have tried to aim her goals higher.  Shoot for Queen!!!! :-)
Nope!  Princess it is.

I love this little person more than words can say.  Check out the art work!
Another crown.

This is how she dressed for picture day in 1st grade this year.  Her mother let
her decide what she would wear.  Esk wanted the full deal - make up and nail polish - and her
mother drew the line on those final details.  But this little girl doesn’t need 
any that to pull off a picture full of attitude!  I think the shoes add a special touch.
And if you missed it - check out the crown!!!!

Dance class from last spring I believe. 

This past summer her parents took her to a local playground.  I think my
son captured this picture that he titled “I am the captain.”
Apparently she arranged to have her playground friends
spin her around and he overheard her saying ... I am the captain.  
🤣
This girl ... she has a way about her.

But of all pictures, this one of my favorites.  
She really is so many wonderful things.  
She has amazing language skills, is very bright, has a wonderful imagination,
 a pretty good sense of what is right and wrong
 (and sometimes I get “schooled” on that),
a way of interacting with her peers that speaks volumes about her future leadership qualities.  She 
is an animated 'mover and shaker' at 6 years old.  She has my son’s beautiful eyes and her mother’s lovely mouth.  Look out world!!!

That is my very wonderful grand daughter.

A Finished Knitted Project - after more than a year!!

I took a large break from knitting.  An unbelievable break for a knitter of over 30 years!  A slightly worrisome break that maybe, just maybe, I was done knitting for good.  That last thought I found disturbing and it contributed to my return to knitting.  Mind you, I still went to yarn fairs and made modest purchases.  The air at those events is infused with more than just the smell of sheep and tasty food.  

Someone really should jar up that air and sell it!! 😁  

But getting back to actual knitting happened mostly because of my downsizing efforts.  I got rid of bags of yarn that I no longer loved.  I got rid of left over yarn. I got rid of half finished projects.  I was pretty brutal about it.  But here is the thing ...  at the same time I found yarns in my stash I still desperately loved - that I still wanted to cast on to needles  - projects that I really wanted to wear.  THAT is what got me back to knitting in the end - a reminder of the beautiful yarn gems I had stored out of sight.  Those discarded yarns were with me for years (probably decades) because I thought I would eventually use them.  After all, I have a very long life ahead of me and I would use them at some point.  

That last sentence is filled with so many false assumptions - the greatest of which is that no one no matter how young you are you can't count on “a very long life ahead.”  We all think it anyway.   But at my age I am past the point of thinking I have infinite time ahead of me.  It came down to this: Do I love, love, love this yarn?  Will I be disappointed with myself if I never get to knit with it or wear it?  Notice - the word “like” isn’t any part of this decision making process.  Love is the standard.  Be assured, that all the yarn that left my ownership went to good homes.  I even donated to a Senior Center that had a knitting group - and one day as I was walking past the place where they were meeting, I saw some of that yarn being used.  That was SUCH a good feeling. I walked away with a smile on my face.

And that brings us to this ...

I loved this yarn the moment I saw it online during the On-Line Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival in May 2019 - during the early days of the Covid Pandemic - when large in person events were strongly discouraged or in some cases forbidden.   

The yarn is 100% silk Fingering yarn from Neighborhood Fiber Company in the color way called Cooper Circle. This project turned out to be more of a shawlette than a full size shawl.

When I soaked the shawl before blocking - the color bled something fierce.  

And tacking the shawl to the blocking board also turned my hands red.

Regardless, I still love it.  I have enough of this yarn left to make another something.  I purchased 1600 yards of this silk at the time.  It was my only purchase that year and it was a pretty hefty price per skein.  And since I still love it,  I plan to use it up.  My blog friend, A :-), on Knit and Run had the same yarn in her stash and made it up in a shawl called Drops of Joy, by Janina Kallie.  I loved her shawl and immediately purchased the pattern. It requires only 435 yards.  I have quite a bit more than that so I will be extending this shawl size for sure. 

I will definitely cast on Drops of Joy before the New Year.  Right now I am working on another project ... that will be spotlighted on another post.

So the knitting drought is over! 

Next up - grand daughter pictures from a recent visit.  I promised several posts ago.  Time to make good on that promise. 

  

O.M.G The Energy It Takes

I seriously underestimated how fatiguing this cancer journey would be.  After all, I have done this thing called caregiving many times for other relatives.  I even had an 8 year experience that lasted right to my mother’s last breath.  I prepared my personal life and sorted out most of the known challenges we were told to expect.  

So, yeah!  I got this!!!

Imagine my surprise ... I don’t “got this!!”

And that is partly why I haven’t been blogging in the last few weeks.   Getting caught off guard is not my favorite position.

To start, (and most importantly) my husband’s status at this point is good.  He has completed 7 radiation treatments and 2 chemotherapy treatments thus far.  Other than one extended period of re-current hiccups (which is, in fact, a cancer treatment “thing”) that was quickly dispatched with muscle relaxants - and one rather minor chemo reaction during his first session - he has been symptom free.  The possible symptoms for both radiation and chemo, however, are several pages in length, so we are watchful.  And, by the way, hiccups were not on any of their symptom lists - but it was confirmed as a valid symptom when we talked to the doctor-on-call.  Regardless, we are in early days on this treatment, and we know more things are in our future.  Exactly what those “things” are, are yet to be discovered.  I am trying not to cross any bridges before we get there.  

My own fatigue during these early days came as a surprise to me.  Looking back I realize that I overlooked a few obvious things. 

I was a younger caregiver the last time I did this.  I was also in better health.  Being past the age 75 by a few years and having several health issues myself - caregiving is a much harder job than I remember.  And then there is the spouse issue.  I took care of one grandmother and 2 mothers as they aged - with the knowledge that we were not heading back to a healthier or younger life - just a more comfortable and supported one, as their own life came to a natural end.  A husband with a cancer that could/might kill him is an entirely different situation.  Yes, we are both older and our own “natural end" is nearer to us than it was 25 years ago.  BUT, I am not ready to have either of us take that step out of this life!  We are not done being retired together!!  This is not negotiable!! (Yes, those words, ’not negotiable’, popped into my head as I watched him have a reaction to his first chemotherapy!)  The nursing staff was excellent - they got it under control right away - and continued the therapy which he completed with no other problems.  

But this isn’t the "slam dunk" that I armored myself with as we started down this path in August. 

There is a low rumble of stress that runs underneath the surface of our lives now.   I try to keep my worries to myself.   He needs competent and positive support.  We will attempt to conquer any obstacles that come our way - one step at a time!   Attitude plays a very very important part in cancer healing. He is not doing this alone.

But, O.M.G - the energy it takes, and we aren’t even in the hard part yet.  Radiation and chemo both continue until October 21st.  The side effects can last for months after treatment ends.  And the reality is that the “cure” rates are not terribly high for this type of cancer at the 5 year benchmark.  I don’t know how much research my husband has done on his own, but I have done a lot - and take it from me - “not knowing” sometimes is better than “knowing.”  

Anyway, now that I have dumped all my thoughts into this blog post - maybe I will be able to find a small bit of peace.  Carrying all this crap around in my head has done me no favors.  And it is the beginning of the weekend!  No treatments on Saturday or Sunday. We both kind of laughed as we left the infusion center at the idea that we were looking forward to an open weekend.  Since retiring many years ago, weekends kind of lost their luster when every weekday was the same as the weekend!    

Getting Oriented

In one day I got pretty well oriented to what our future will be for the next 2 months or so.  Knowing little before hand had me focusing on the home front - things I needed to do logistically to make our future months a little more organized.

For me, my first step above all others was reducing my focus on all other things and laser beaming in on what things would make my life and my husband’s simpler.  That started with reducing my calendar to just the home and my husband - and the many doctor visits ahead of both of us.  While I understand that having that narrow view might not work for all, it definitely works for me.  It is like a “peace of mind” settles on me knowing I have freed up the time I need to be successful at what I need to do.

In a previous blog post I looked at the concept of “joy” which I was cautioned not to eliminate from my own life.  Thankfully I can find many opportunities for joy inside my 4 walls.  And with reduced exterior distractions, I can actually enjoy those home opportunities better.  Others may need their fun to come from external sources.  Thankfully that is not the case for me.  So the first steps in preparing ... are done.

The second step was attending the radiation and chemo orientation appointments which we did on Monday. That was enlightening as it gave structure to the typical treatment plan going forward, with time lines and hurdles the patient will face along the way.  One of those hurdles with radiation treatments of the throat is the physical problem with swallowing ... that becomes a major issue a few weeks into treatment.  And speaking of “weeks,” his radiation treatments will extend every day Monday through Friday for 5 or 6 weeks.  So getting enough nutrition and hydration becomes a major time consuming process at some point.  There are some medicinal options to aid patients with that stage and I am sure we will get the full picture as we approach that hurdle.  The other hurdle is the chronic fatigue.  Not much can be done for that except to give into the need to rest and give your body the downtime it needs to cope with this treatment assault and to heal after that treatment ends.  There are other side effects but those two are the major ones to manage.  Chemo will happen once a week at the same time as the radiation treatments.  As it turns out, the side effects from the chemo drugs he will be infused with have little to no side effects.  It is pretty much a fight to withstand the radiation. 

Having that knowledge I am preparing notes of the kinds of things we should have available of the soft food variety that can be swallowed the easiest and provides the most calories.  I’ll probably keep a diary of his intake - they will be monitoring his weight with each visit - and we will be assisted by a nutritionist through the tough stages.

One other personal realization was made very very clear during these two orientation sessions.  While my right knee is slowly (very very slowly) improving with PT - one walk into the first office and subsequent walking from point A to point B (and C and D and ...), that kind of walking 5 days a week for 5-6 weeks will not be possible.  I came home limping - right knee very sore - and I spent most of the evening on ice.  The next morning the knee was improved to the point it was before that first trip.  But repeating this walking routine day after day after day ...  at some point I would lose ground on the improvement and be unable to be his driver/companion for his treatments.  Unacceptable! So I contacted my rheumatologist and requested an appointment for the cortisone injections into the knee.  I’ll keep the PT going because long term that is the best choice, but in the short term, it is pretty much useless for the knee under so much irritating use.

I have the added invisible health issue of anemia.  The blood counts have been dipping again.  Another iron infusion has been ordered, and my appointment is set for September 3.  That timing is perfect!  I’ll get the infusion and within 3 or 4 days I should have my energy (and mental focus) back.  Those infusions last me about 5 or 6 months .... lasting long enough to get my husband over this treatment phase.

Lastly - my new tote performed admirably.  Before packing it up for its maiden voyage, I had second thoughts.  It seems just a bit too big.  But after I finished packing, I realized it was just about the right size. I walked with it over my shoulder freeing my one hand to use a cane and my other hand to guide my husband. I did notice that my 32 ounce water bottle was just a bit too big to fit into the bag comfortably so I ordered a 16 ounce bottle which should fit just fine.  Sixteen ounces is about the right amount to carry on individual trips.

So we are off and “running” ... figuratively speaking.  

A little knitting stuff (sadly very little) ... and other stuff

If you had told me 2 years ago, that I would have set aside my knitting needles for 9 or 10 months, I probably would have dramatically jump up and shouted with incredulity “Impossible” (and maybe pumped my fist in the air a few times  ... or something.😀)  

But it happened. I just stopped knitting.  There are no finished items to show, but I do have one work in progress.  (I actually have several unfinished projects - but only one that can be described as “in progress!”)

This pattern is a shawl but will be more of a shawlette.
 I have maybe 2 more rows until bind off.

I added beads.  Not the clearest picture.  
I’ll do another one when it is blocking.

The yarn is Neighborhood Fiber Company, Penthouse 100% Silk Fingering yarn in the color way called Cooper Circle.  The pattern is Simple Shawl by Jane at Hedgerow Yarns - free on Ravelry. It is a very simple pattern - designed to let the beauty of this yarn shine.  You need only 437 yards (400 meters) of fingering weight yarn.  I have 1600 yards - so plenty of yarn - yarn to spare for another project.  I have added glass beads.  All really nice elements.   Not sure why I let it linger for so long. But I am working on it now.

****

The knitting drought began last summer.  At times I was too tired to knit.  At other times my “to do” list was overwhelming. At still other times if I had 15 or 20 minutes of open time, I just sat in my LazyBoy recliner and looked out my window thinking, just thinking.  When I did have the energy and time, I found myself  restless to explore other things.  Simply put, knitting and all things fiber, slipped off the priority list.

What could possibly replace knitting?  Quite a bit, as it turns out.  I wasn’t idle  - I was dabbling in anything that captured my attention and a few things I thought about in the past, but put off 'till “tomorrow."   After my surgery last year, I decided that tomorrow had arrived!

I think I did this picture in June 2023.

This one was done in 2015.  Both pictures are from Lost Ocean by Johanna Basford.
I love her work and have many of her art books.

In sorting and decluttering stuff, I found my coloring books and colored pencils from 2015  when adult coloring was all the rage.  I started it up again.  I love playing with color and giving the flat line art some dimension.  I color in the evening while watching TV - it was something I could do for maybe 15 minutes and put down again.   In 2015 it relaxed me in an unexpected way, and it still does.

I did take a water color class, but it wasn’t the right time or the right teacher.  I still have all the supplies, but not the time or energy to seek out another class.  When the time is right - I’ll give it another try.

These are the shelves used to be full of yarn and so was the closet.  
The shelves have a few yarn items but not anything like before.

This is the closet that holds most of the yarn
 - and it extends about a foot further 
in each direction.  I don’t have a before picture, but it was pretty
much a mess before.

While this might seem yarn-y, it is more downsizing.  I don’t know if it is my age or if it is mentally just more calming to me, but I continued to feel the weight of too many belongings and my large yarn stash didn’t escape my attention.  Realistically, at 77 how much yarn can I use up?  How much do I want to leave behind for my family to deal with?   The stash is much reduced, but still feels “heavy” considering I am having some long knitting hiccups.  Oh well, minimizing is a work in progress.  

Traditional Journal on the left.  CommonPlace Journal on the right.

I did start two journals this summer: a traditional journal and a CommonPlace journal.  I very much like the idea of these two books. But I don’t return to them as often as I would like. Now that I am blogging again, traditional journaling has lost some of it pull. But I am not giving up on either of them. 

This is the foundation to my current Lego kit in progress.
Cinderella’s Castle  

Picture from the box.  
It will be stunning when completed.

My next project is this Dungeons and Dragons piece.  My husband is a 
big game player and when Lego issued this new kit, even though he 
couldn’t see it, he wanted it in our home.  This kit has a
higher priority than anything - because it speaks to his
interests.  And since D&D is a game of the imagination,
it is something he can still do with his friends.  They will enjoy
seeing it when they come for their monthly game dates.

I started Cinderella's Castle last fall and then stopped before last Christmas.  Just writing those words makes me want to get up and pick up where I left off.  I feel strongly enough about Legos that I will make time - especially for that D&D kit.

My daughter’s dog, Tatter Tot or Tate for short. As a baby he looked like a baked potato.
He now looks like a spud ... I mean stud! 😂  He developed a real attachment
to his grandma during the 5 months he lived in her condo.
Described by a private professional dog trainer that my daughter hired
as the smartest and most stubborn English Bulldog she ever worked with.
Indeed, I agree.

My son’s English Bulldog, Ragnar, Rags for short, who loves is Grandma dearly as well 
and who eats things that are not digestible - like
that tennis ball in the picture.  Yes, a piece of
tennis ball resides in his stomach - and tennis balls are now
 nowhere to be found on the 6 acres he lives on. That is what happens when you
eat your favorites toys! They go away forever.

My son’s other dog, Olivia, Livvy for short.  She is a mixed
breed rescue and the sweetest personality ever.  My daughter-in-law
picked her out in a shelter when she was 2 years old
and from that time Livvy’s ‘person' has been my
daughter-in-law!  But she is happy to accept hugs and kisses 
from everyone.

My 3 grand dogs ... Those mutts are so very, very dear to me.  I did a whole lot of dog and house sitting in the last year.   Right now, however, my knees are my “achilles heel” and they need to be in better shape before I return to dog duty.  That makes me sad no matter how logical and mature that decision is.  With my husband’s cancer treatment looming ahead of us, it is hard to know when I can get back to that most lovely past time.

It was time consuming to set up the first planner.  It was
just as time consuming transferring over to this second planner.
But I am good now until December 2025, I hope.

The first 6 months of this year were devoted in part to setting up a Laurel Dennis (LD) Planner - and getting really wrapped up in decorating and list making and seeing what others were doing.  Don’t get me wrong.  LD is a sensational system and you do as much as you choose to do.  I extended beyond what was good for me, and I did myself in. No matter.  I am happy with my new more traditional and minimized planner.  

These tomatoes were planted in November. 9 month old.  It has given me
multiple pints of tasty grape tomatoes. These 3 plants would
probably continue to produce well past their 1st birthday.
But I will be changing it out soon, and plant lettuce.
Yum!

In October 2023 I got the bug to try my hand at water gardening.  Amazon was having a sale and I purchased an Aerogarden Harvest Planter.  I wanted to grow herbs.  That was 10 months ago and I have done herbs, grape tomatoes, mini bok choi, mini cucumbers and lettuce - not all in one planter, of course.  I was up to 4 planters by Christmas (warning - this kind of planting can be addictive. There are people who have whole rooms of water gardening projects.). Cucumbers were a fail for me, tried twice, great leaves, lovely flowers, and awful cucumbers with real no taste - but the other stuff was great.  I think I will stick with lettuce and herbs.  I may try some flowers.  

****

The background “noise” on these fun activities listed above is this:  I rarely have more than an hour in a day to participate in any of them.  Besides being the primary person who makes this household operate, I am my husband’s eyes - from finding a lost item to attending all his appointments.  It's like living 1.5 of a life.  Not a criticism - just a reality.  

And a second barrier to pursuing these things is this:  I have energy issues due to some deficiencies in the lone kidney.  Just a side-effect of going down to one kidney at 77 when kidney function is normally reducing due to age.  It is not clear if this will eventually correct itself, but for now I am getting iron infusions, and kidney hormone injections may be in my future.  Since I am retired - when the fatigue hits (which it does every day) - at least I have the option to lay down and rest. 

Fun stuff gets tabled all the time.

The up side .... I have a cleaning lady!!! Actually 2.  So I don’t waste any of my limited energy on cleaning toilets, kitchen floors, vacuuming, etc. etc. etc.

Getting a cleaning lady really freed up some time.  I highly recommend it even if you do have two fully functioning kidneys!! 😁

Next time ... 

I have no idea.  But it probably will be next week. It won’t be this long - but I had a few things to catch up on - AND Sunday I will have my grand daughter so you can be sure there will be a few pictures of her in the mix.