Christmas Images and a Holiday Greeting for you.

While the holiday season picks up speed - I thought I would provide proof that I don’t back away from participating.  I think of it as plowing onward a day at a time in an attempt to sweep away the memories of past Decembers, and make this December fun for those that I love.  

She needs no introduction at this point.  
My little Christmas Angel, Eskarina.

My tree as seen from my deck.

Looking at a fully decorated and lighted Christmas
tree works better for me than any meditation. 

We lost this wonderful dog in 2021 - Milo, my daughter’s French Bull Dog and
my grand dog.  What a heart ripping experience that was for both of us.  His passing
is still fresh in my mind and brings tears to my eyes even 5 months later.  It is 
amazing to me how one little dog can settle so permanently inside your heart - as this dog has.

Meathead, my son’s English Bull Dog - gone many years ago
but still much loved.

My tree has bows on it instead of tinsel.  Many years ago we switched to 
bows - cats eat tinsel, as it turns out.  You don’t want to know how I found out.
It involves rubber gloves.

Memories of my mom hang on the tree.  She made these ornaments.

An ornament commemorating Esk's year of birth. 

A Pug in a Santa suit - a nod of remembrance for Grimace, 
my son’s pug that loved me as no other has done.  Gone many years but
still fills a large part of my heart.

A package ornament that my mother-in-law put on a
Christmas gift to me - my first Christmas with her son.
   

An ornament I purchased the first Christmas my
son spent away from family in the Marines.  Another hard Christmas.

Our tree is full of decorations that hold memories.  We never went with breakable ornaments.  There are no glass balls.  After picking my tree up off the floor one year (our very first cat, Ashes, loved to climb trees), I decided that glass balls were out.  But I love the look of trees with them.  Beautiful.

Decorations I inherited from my mother-in-law.  She loved
lighted houses.

Two other houses I inherited.  The Christmas tree was made by my mother.

Her initials are on one of the packages below the tree.  

ELM for Elaine Leona Mesavage. 

Miss you bunches, Mom. 

My helper!  😀

Although it is not clear, she is trying to tie her dress to my tree. 🤣

A visit to Santa!  Socially distanced, of course.
And a big improvement over previous years - the first of which she
cried and cried.  The second of which she had a stomach virus and
threw up in the car on her way to visit Santa.
Ahh ... the memories.
😂

May you all have a joy filled holiday season,

 no matter which holiday you celebrate.  

And may you only have happy memories of past holidays

 - or at least - 

memories that don’t weigh you down.

Be back in the New Year!!

Please, make it January.

(This is not one of my happy posts.  You can skip it if you need too. I won’t mind. Just giving a voice to feelings that I carry with me around this time of year - in hopes that putting fingers to keyboard I can shed some baggage that follows me during December.)

In the next few days it will be December 1.  

Again!

 December!

  My least favorite month of the year.  

I can already feel the holiday pressure of getting things done crowding me.  How I wish that was my only problem. The real issue is more complicated. I feel concern creeping up on me that the month passes without any bad stuff like illnesses or worse. I know that sounds a little bit paranoid - but December and I have a history together and it isn’t positive.   

How did December get such a bad wrap?   Truthfully, I didn’t always hate December and the number of happy December holidays far outweighs the sad ones ... so why can’t I just throw off the bad ones and enjoy the season? Being a generally happy positive person the other 11 months of the year, I gave this question a lot of thought and discovered only one answer for me: the intensity of events and life changing nature of some of my Decembers sit in stark contrast to the “let us all be happy” message of December.  

The first dent in my relationship with December happened in 1970 with the death of my dad right before Christmas. It was a sudden event - a fall down a flight of stairs that was not discovered promptly and after a few days in ICU he died - several days before Christmas.  His passing was a combination of sorrow and some relief.  He was an alcoholic and he made family life hard.  But I loved him in spite of all the pain he caused.  That Christmas without him was my first experience of sadness while all the world seemed joyful.   Even in the funeral home where our family gathered to say goodbye reminders of the season were everywhere ... tastefully done, of course, but there all the same.  

Ironically, like bookends - the death of my mother came just after Christmas in 2014.  

These events were 44 years apart - certainly healing should have happened in that time.  And it did. Each Christmas after his death I remembered him with forgiveness and love. That yearly remembrance felt like a healthy and realistic admission that sad things can happen at Christmas time, and you can move on and to be grateful for the happy events - recognizing that Christmas happiness is not ‘promised'.  

But my mom's death was preceded by many hard December experiences - each one more difficult than the last until I couldn’t stand the month at all.  

The first event happened about a year after mom moved in with me in 2007.  A vicious GI bug spread through our family the day after Thanksgiving.  It was the worst GI virus I have ever had.  While normal healthy individuals could survive that, my mom was in her 80s.  It devastated and hospitalized her - not once but twice in quick succession.  The second hospitalization landed her in ICU because she was septic. As with all her hospitalizations, I was with her 24/7.  Rehab followed and I followed her there as well.  Getting her well consumed me.  I approached her recovery as a battle to be won.  I pushed medical staff to get her home before Christmas.  She rallied quickly.  When she came home it was December 22 - little to no holiday prep had been done for my own family’s Christmas.  Some gifts were purchased but no wrapping, no Christmas tree, and no meal preparation.  But no matter, my mom was home.   The tree got put up on December 23rd, and the gifts that weren’t purchased by then where replaced with checks. I purchased a fully cooked Christmas Day meal from a local grocery store - and we called it good!  The real celebration was ... Mom was home and doing well.  I won that battle.

I won the battle over several other hospitalizations and rehabilitations over the course of a few years getting her back home, but  each left her weaker than before. At age 85 a hospitalization and a very long rehab experience ended with her being placed in Assisted Living.  And, of course, that happened in the month of December.  The community I picked was top notch, very homey with great staff, and beautifully decorated for the holiday, but I knew mom didn’t want any this.  She wanted to go home.  The final determining factor were the 20 steps up from the parking lot to my townhome - steps she could not climb any more.  I remember riding home that first night she spent in Assisted Living.  The December lights on houses I passed were twinkling brilliantly, the Christmas music was playing on the radio, and I was in tears the entire way home at this permanent change in all our lives.  That night I started to intentionally ignore December ‘cheer’ that tried to invite me at every turn to be happy .

The last 3 years of her life she lived away from home - 2 years in Assisted Living and 1 year in Nursing.  As always, the staff made the holidays as grand as they could.  But it was hard to ignore that fact that about half the residents were mobile enough to visit a family member’s home for the holiday. We couldn’t do that for mom.  I hated those last 3 Christmases more than you could imagine.  As December approached I felt disappointment and sadness begin to grow in me.  To compensate I spent as much time as I could during those holidays with her, and extended family came for visits as well.  We even arranged a separate Holiday family meal with her on site, but the one thing she always wanted was to go home,  and I couldn’t make that happen. Those 3 Christmases cemented my distaste for December and it was when I learned to yearn for January.

Starting in early 2014 at 88 years old she had a number of serious health issues that could not get resolved. Her dementia had pretty much consumed her with only short glimpses of who she had been as my mom.  In mid-December of that year her chronic problems were growing in intensity.  Her eating had dropped off and she had no interest in her surroundings. I was losing this final battle and it seemed like nothing could halt her decline.  When medical staff finally informed me that she was actively failing, I had already known in my heart she could not be pulled back.  The message - your mother is dying - I got on December 22.  They estimated she would make it to Christmas but not much past that.  Needless to say, there was no holiday spirit left to crush in me.  By this time Christmas Day was just another date on a calendar.  My only comfort in those last days and hours were that the dementia I fought so hard against, was finally her ‘friend’ ... shielding her awareness of another passing Christmas away from home. Mom and I lost this last battle together, but at least I was the only one grieving. 

She died on December 28th.  I was numb driving home that evening.  I don’t remember the trip at all - but I am sure without a doubt - those Christmas images I learned to ignore - were everywhere.

This year will be the 7th year anniversary since her passing.  Unfortunately traditional Christmas sounds and sights still remind me of our years of struggle.   I still yearn for January.  But now at 74, I accept that this will not change.  You can’t ‘un-ring a bell' - the memories cannot be wiped from the mind as if they never happened.   I accept them now, however, with more grace.  A grand daughter has helped me to find some peace in these celebrations, but I still feel it is a lot for those tiny little shoulders to bear, so I don’t rest entirely on her existence as my way out of holiday gloom.  After 7 years I am better at hiding that sad part of me by putting a smile on my face during December - especially with family.  But when I am alone with only my thoughts during this month, the memories of holidays mom and I shared appear like a flash flood - sudden and sweeping away everything else.   

Please, make it January.  

(Has the sharing of this helped me shed some of my ‘baggage?’  Maybe a make-up case worth.  Has it increased just one person’s understanding that others struggle mightily during the holidays?  I hope so.)

During happier times when she would sit on 
my front step and just enjoy the feeling
of being outside.

Mom and I in 2011
Taken at the rehab facility she eventually would call “home.”  

Mom, my sister and I in 2012
Taken 2 months after she moved into Assisted Living.

 Is it January yet?

The Look of a Pandemic Christmas

We are all facing some version of a Pandemic Christmas!  

I thought I would share how mine looks this year.

As many of you know Christmas traditionally has been a hard time for me.  Some big and sad events have negatively colored my of enjoyment of Christmas.  Those sad memories center around losing my dad decades ago 3 days before Christmas and my mom in 2014 ... 3 days after Christmas.  And then there were the Christmases that my mom could not make it to our home - which had been her home for 5 years - forced by the circumstances of dementia - to stay in Assisted Living and finally in a nursing home during this festive time.  And let's not forget the military service families - my son spent time in the military and missed several Christmases with us.  That 'joy vs sadness scale' I struggle with every year always seems to tilt toward sadness.  

While there are those who can set those memories aside - like putting them into a box and sticking them in a closet, I cannot. It is part of my life experience.  Yeah ... the holiday is short on cheer for me.  Most years I would have just skipped the season if I could.  But family traditions pulled me forward even when I didn't want to go.

This year, however, was going to be special.  My grand daughter is 2 3/4 years old  (3 in February) and is now learning about Christmas in a way that will set the stage for many happy years to come!  She wrote her first letter (with her mom's help) to Santa and she decorated her own felt tree with felt ornaments.  Her letter was totally charming - asking for "a toy" for her and some treats for her dogs.  I knew that the joy of experiencing this Christmas would add some pluses in the joy side of the scale putting some balance back into this holiday for me.

Except - now we have this pandemic 

I won't be seeing my son, daughter-in-law or grand daughter this year.  I kind of expected that might be the case - with the virus surging.  So I prepared myself emotionally for that possibility.   Ok,  I told myself. I can do this Pandemic Christmas.   

I shopped on line for Christmas - no different from other years, so the Pandemic didn't change anything for me in that regard.  Ok, I told myself - no big change here.  

I usually have stockings filled with incidentals but not this year.  I shopped for those in person at a brick and mortar store ... but not this year, no stores, unless it is the grocery store.  Ok, I can let go of that kind of fluff.   

No Christmas sleep over with 3 dogs and one cat squeezed into a 2 bedroom condo with 5 people. Ok. I prepared for that as well - family gatherings being discourage while we are in the peak of this pesky pandemic.  My daughter and her dog, Milo, will be here (hopefully) and a scaled down celebration is appropriate.

My Christmas decorations are not out yet - decorations that are mostly just a Christmas tree.  We are waiting for a delivery date on our new windows and the installers need space to work.  Having the tree up - against the living room windows where I like it - would be a problem.  I'll give them until a few days before Christmas.  Then - that tree is going up, and they can schedule us in January.  Burr - I wanted to avoid January for changing out the windows. *sigh*

Gifts are wrapped like normal, but without bows.  I would have needed to go to a store for ribbon and it just wasn't a good enough reason to risk catching anything.  Besides ... the gifts will need to be transport to another house before Christmas and they will travel best without big puffy bows.  No biggie.

I was doing very well with the needed limitations for Pandemic Christmas this year, until ...

As I wrapped my grand daughter's gifts I could feel my eyes filling with tears!  Crap!! Her first real Christmas - the one where she discovered what Santa brought, the one where she experienced the excitement and joy of Christmas morning.  I wouldn't get to see that. I reached for tissues.  I was caught off guard by these thoughts.  I kept wrapping, faster now, because I needed to get past this.

Of course, the discovery that I really wasn't ok with all these changes could not be ignored.

As I moved on to wrapping gifts for others I got control of my emotions and scolded myself for such selfish self pity.  There are people who are missing family members for all Christmases into the future.  People struggling with the sadness of being separated from loved one in the hospital or nursing home ... loved ones struggling to breathe, maybe dying alone, and not even being able to be at their side to hold a hand.  And as I thought about those things I replaced my sorrow with anger!  

Some Americans have made this pandemic more serious than it needed to be because of their self-important opinion that masks and social distancing aren't necessary.  That no matter the number of deaths (in the US as of this writing - 300,000+ deaths), and no matter the number of pleas seen on TV and on social media from weary, overworked and emotionally exhausted doctors and hospital staff, their personal opinion and desires "trumped" every other consideration [quoted word used intentionally.]

I am pretty sure the replacement of sorrow with anger is not an improvement!  I certainly don't want to add anger to the catalogue of emotions I experience at Christmas time.

And then I saw on TV the first people - healthcare folks - get the new vaccine for Covid-19!  

I felt my eyes tearing up again.  Not in sorrow or anger, but joy!! We finally have something to be joyful about.  A first 'punch' back by the human race to fight against a virus that had taken so much from all of us.  My mind drifted then to all the truly unsung heroes -  researchers - scientific heroes who are faceless and seldom heard from, but sacrificed so much for 9 months to get to this point.  And the manufacturing entities and transportation teams that moved this virus from the laboratory to the patient with wartime speed and coordination.  And finally to all the doctors and nurses, who worked diligently under massive stress and sometimes massive sorrow - breaking at times to step outside and cry - but always returning again and again to their jobs!  

Ok, so now I am not angry anymore.  We all have a gift to be grateful for - every single human on this earth - and it came at the gift giving time when many of us honor the birth of Christ (Coincidental? I don't think so.)  It didn't come with any wrapping paper or bows, but I think we all got what we needed this holiday season - hope and a one-two punch against Covid-19. 

And just for the record ... this is a "Gorilla Size" joy -  may just have moved that lopsided 'joy vs sadness scale' in the right direction. 

I will have a husband and maybe a daughter with me this Christmas. I still have that amazing grand daughter ...  and she is the light of my life - whether beside me or not.  I still have all my family members even if we are not all together.  

I am blessed beyond words to live in a time when science can be heroic!

  

Pictures, pictures, pictures.

As promised - pictures from the second family

 Christmas gathering!!  

Nothing but pictures.

Another Cover Girl Shot 

She is a beauty!  

Back shot of the dress!!

Gift Opening Time - Esk and Will

Will's sweater - my niece checking it out.
She is pregnant with her second child.
A girl!!

The sit and spin was a hit!

Grandma will definitely get one of these for the condo!!

And now for some "grand parents" shots!

My sister and my brother-in-law trying to set up
an indoor tent!  Too funny to watch real time.

Ah - the challenges!

Still more effort!

Finally!  A rocket ship tent!  The kids loved it.

My Christmas tree at home on Christmas Eve - waiting for Ms. Esk.

Begone December 2019

That's right!

I want December to be gone from my sight!

Call me a Grinch!  

If I remember correctly,

he wasn't all bad.

It has been a hard month health wise.  It started with a cold for me - minor, but still a bug that weaseled its way into my body.  I think I called it Cold Number 1 in my December 3rd post.  No sooner did it leave me, then my husband started with a GI bug that got into his body.  You know the kind ... nausea and other unmentionables better left unsaid.  But his GI bug was accompanied by a fever, and then losing consciousness, (a new twist on an old problem for me), and then a call to 911, and then a visit from the nice EMTs.  He recovered his consciousness and refused a hospital visit, but was sick with this bug for about 4 days total.

During that time my daughter needed my assistance with transportation to a dental appointment that might have ended in conscious sedation for a procedure ... it didn't, thankfully.  Small blessings.  But no sooner did I return from that then my husband's bug jumped ship and decided I was a good candidate for further havoc.

Nine ugly hours after it started with me - I finally began to feel human again. - no fainting and no fever, but me and my toilet .... well, we are 'buds' now, and my ribs still hurt 48 hours later from trying to empty my stomach that was already empty when I started.

In between all that fun and frivolity I was busy making appointments for my husband for lab work, a CAT scan of his brain, a new patient appointment with a Neurologist and the EEG that doctor wants him to have, and a new patient appointment with a Cardiologist.

Losing consciousness gets everyone's attention!

Here we are on December 22 and my daughter calls.  She feels sick.  I am desperately hoping that while I was helping her with the dental appointment I wasn't also infecting her with whatever that GI bug that might have been hiding in me when we were together.

Oh, and did I mention that my cat, Wally, was diagnosed with a hyperthyroid condition last month?  He stopped eating the prescription food for this condition this month, which had the condition under control, and he isn't been interested in taking the medication no matter how I disguise it.  Cats are so particular.  So we are at a stand off at present - but that is only for this month.  Untreated hyperthyroidism kills if not treated.  I may have to force feed that pill down his gullet to save his darn life!!

And to add insult to injury, I am not a big fan of Christmas anyway - my dad died 2 days before the holiday and my mom died 3 days after the holiday. I struggle at this time of year.

Probably the only thing that is keeping me from totally checking out of this whole terrible month - is my dear grand daughter, Eskarina.  She has reached the age where the wonder of the season puts a sparkle in her eye, and this grand mother would rather die than snuff out that light.  Those tiny little 20-month old shoulders shouldn't have to carry even an ounce of burden because of my bad luck.

My husband's GI bug is gone but he thinks he is starting with a cold.  I am better from my GI bug.   With any luck Cold Number 2 will hit me around New Years.  My daughter is still an unknown as of this evening.  My daughter-in-law mentioned that Eskarina seems to be starting with a cold as well.  She awoke this morning saying, "Buggers in nose."  (Buggers!!!  Who taught her the word 'buggers'??).  But day-care is just one big cold-virus factory, so the fact she has a cold is not too shocking!

So everyone ....

Happy Holidays!!

(Aren't you glad you aren't anywhere near plague central?)

PS - I promise to stop in again before the end of the year to provide pictures of my finished projects (shots are in the camera), and a few pictures of Christmas Eve with Eskarina.  And to provide proof that I participated 'joyfully and fully' in Christmas - despite everything!!

Getting in under the wire!

Here I am slipping off the November calendar into December without leaving a post!  I am fixing that right now.

November has had its ups and downs.  It started out UP!  Going into November I was eager for the coming season.  Winter is just around the corner!  My favorite season.  But then it began to slip.

It began with several sad announcements that always seem to come in threes: the death of a long time friend from cancer, the death of my mom's 94 year old Long Island friend who became my friend as well, and a second cancer diagnosis for another long time friend.  By the time we heard the third bit of bad news - I was ready to say "uncle."  Please, please stop.  My husband made the observation ... now that the generation before us is gone, we and our peers are the next in line - and I should get used to it.  Sadly true.  My mom outlived most of her friends and it was sad to watch.  It does, however, put perspective on how I spend my own time - shedding things that really don't make a difference in life and putting more energy into family and friends.   Simplicity in life still remains a value for me.  But being there when it counts for those you care about is worth the complexity it adds.  The friend with a second cancer diagnosis is a single guy with little extended family.  His friends will be pitching in to drive him to his treatments.  I will be on that volunteer list.

My physical therapy sessions continue but reduced to once a week.  Progress I guess.  The leg is now stronger.  Maybe too soon to expect the symptoms in my knee to be resolved.  But the exercises do make my leg feel better.  It is just frustrating to know that I will have to do these exercises (in both legs) for the rest of my life.  Falls for seniors are the #1 cause of hospitalization ... and in older seniors - #1 cause of death.  It was true for mom and it was true for her Long Island friend.  I have added a 5 pound weight routine for my arms to my regular exercise.  My grand baby is growing and gaining weight - although she is still a string bean - and I want to be sure I can continue to lift her.

My Christmas Tree and Esk's chair with Santa Cat!

Christmas preparation is well underway.  My daughter helped me put up my Christmas tree the weekend before Thanksgiving.  That is a record for me.  I actually dislike decorating the tree and put it off 'till I have no choice.  It is a small tree so there is no excuse for it.  And I do enjoy it while it is up.  Thank God for beautiful and helpful daughters.  Shopping is happening mostly on line so it is not too painful.  The next big goals are gift wrapping and party prep for a December 15 event at our condo for some friends - and finally, Christmas Eve prep for the family at our condo.  Christmas Day is usually a day of rest for me - but this year I will either be sitting in a chemo clinic with my friend or visiting my parents' grave site.  They both died within days of Christmas - so that is always part of my holiday.

And .... Ta Da!!!!  Big announcement.  My grand daughter, Eskarina, finally calls me "ga-ma" ... her version of Grandma.  It is music to my ears.  In fact, we had a sleep over last night and I got to hear that over and over and over again.  Ha.  I would be standing in the kitchen and she would be coming from the living room chanting Ga-ma, Ga-ma, Ga-ma, Ga-ma, all the way into the kitchen.  I, of course, came to meet her half way - asking what she needs.  She smiled up at me and just said "hi."  Its like she is making sure that this is the best word to get my attention!  It works and I love it!!  She went back home this afternoon and the house is like a morgue.  The quiet makes my ears ring!  She will be 2 in February ... the adventure is just starting!  Thank you God for giving me this grand baby!!

Knitting is happening at a snails pace.  Oh, I am not knitting slowly.  I am knitting fast and a lot, but the projects I picked were designed for thin yarn and small needles.  What ever was I thinking.  I won't ever make that mistake again.  All the knitting is done - except for one sleeve which is 25% done.  Then I have to add buttons, sew in the loose ends and block.  I'll make it but I hate the pressure.  It takes just one unexpected "something" to throw everything out out wack!

That pretty much sums up my life.  Hope all is well in your world.  I'll be back in December!!

My Left Thumb!

Will I ever learn!  

Never, never knit to a Christmas deadline!

During the Stay-cation with my grand dogs I set a goal to finish the two kid sweaters I am trying to complete for Christmas.  With hours and hours of knitting time available, I felt this goal was do-able.  After all - my grand daughter's sweater just needs two short sleeves and 3 buttons.  My grand nephew's top down sweater was almost to the point where you split out for the sleeves.

And I have 10 whole days available!!  I can do this!!!

Sadly, my left thumb feels different.  For me lots of knitting does not create over-use problems in my hands.  I feel lucky ... especially when reading about the repetitive use injuries of other crafters.  But my grand nephew's project requires more left thumb effort than normal.  My thumb is a little cranky right now.

Photo Credit: Ravelry.Com
Designer's sample

The pattern is called Miracle Sweater by Nicole Montgomery.  I love the gender neutral look of the garment, the dense feel of the fabric created, the jacket-like style, and the unique stitch itself.  I also love that the proceeds of the purchased pattern are donated to a charity.

Up close Twisted Basket stitch pattern.

The first thing I noticed was that although the stitch was uncomplicated to create - for some darn reason "unknitting" the stitch (a function often needed to correct mistakes) was difficult to do.  I did several gauge swatches - to get gauge - but also to learn and practice unknitting the Twisted Basket Stitch so I could fix errors when they occurred.  I never reached a level of comfort in that unknitting effort for this stitch (actually not one single time.)

My progress to date.  Sleeves will need to be picked
up and knitting at some point.

Regardless, I was not deterred by that failure.  I started the sweater anyway, determined to avoid mistakes.  I, of course, made a mistake within the first 5 rows of the woven pattern and made the problem even worse trying to correct it.  So I ripped out those 5 rows and started again - learning from that mistake, convinced I would, at least, not repeat that particular error again.

And I didn't.  I made a different mistake!  You see, the stitches are stacked on top of each other in a very specific order.  Within 5 rows I made a stacking mistake - and one whole row along the back between the sleeve sections - was wrong.  And it clearly showed!  I couldn't unpack even a single stitch successfully and now I had a whole row of stitches that were wrong.  Damn.

So I made a creative decision to hide that row of errors under the generous collar by tacking the collar down so the wrong row can't be seen.  It was an option I considered before I made the error because the collar had a lot of "bounce" in it and probably wouldn't rest easily on the shoulders when worn without tacking.  Now that decision was finalized and it killed two birds with one stone!  Excellent!!

Second problem solved (without ripping out my progress.) I plowed on.

But there are limits.  At this point, if I cannot fix or hide an error that can only be corrected by ripping out, I will stop this project and choose another pattern ... I don't want to start completely over.  Finding this pattern took a lot of time at the beginning.  And I still like it.

When the third error rolled around (surprised? ... not me) I somehow miraculously managed to de-construct the stitch - and mostly get it right.  Right enough to be acceptable to the casual eye.  Not perfect, but acceptable.

Is that the end of the errors knitting this beautiful stitch?  No chance - the risk is still very very much there.  But if I can avoid the blinding frustration that grows with each error maybe I can avoid pitching this project deep into my trash can.  It wouldn't be the first time I pitched yarn, a partially complete project and the pattern into the garbage.

I secretly planned to maybe make this same sweater for my grand daughter at some point.  I really love the look of the stitch, and I love my grand daughter beyond all measure, BUT, no second sweater in this pattern for me - I also love my left thumb because without it - knitting would be very very hard.

Finally, there is one other small problem with this stitch.  Besides eating up a lot of yarn (which I was prepared for), it eats up lot of time.   A . LOT . OF . TIME.  In the picture above, the middle white markers show where I began 5 days ago.  Each day was about 4-5 hours of knitting.  That is 20 to 25 hours of knitting on a child's size 3T sweater.  While I was knitting the gauge swatch I could see it was time consuming - but I figured that as I got better with the stitch, I would get faster ... and I did.  But now I see how grossly off I was on time needed.  I still have 4 inches of body to do beyond the lower edge - and 2 full sleeves!

When I researched this pattern in Ravelry I saw comments like "beautiful," "worth the effort," "heirloom piece," and "appealing."  The other observations were "tedious," "time consuming," "patience needed."  All the statements are true.  My mistake?  I put more importance on the positive statements rather than the negative ones.

And my thumb?  It cramped a bit this morning.  A sign that I am pushing it too much?  You betcha!  So today I am blogging about knitting and not knitting - giving this vital appendage of my body needed for knitting - my left thumb - a day off!

Did you know that if you are a touch typist like me - 

the left thumb does absolutely nothing when typing? 

Ha!

The Quiet Holiday - A Gentle Reminder

As we approach the Christmas season, it is time for a gentle reminder.  

Amidst the flood of holiday cheer and good will, there are those who may desire to skip the merrymaking.  The reasons are many.  A first holiday without a loved one or friend, serious health or money problems, and some, like myself, have memories around this time of year that are like scars over a wound.

Of course you can't miss the commercial signs of Christmas.   The festive decorations in red and gold and green that cover shopping malls, homes, even cars ... seasonal music pouring into our ears, trees gayly decorated and beautifully wrapped gifts.  TV shows with charming holiday stories that all have a happy ending.  The societal prompts are everywhere - "Be Happy!"

And yet ... Be Happy ...  Well, it has not been my response for many years to this holiday.  I make an effort to keep those sad reflective feelings at arms length around others in December.  But I feel the need to remind all on behalf of the "Less Than Happy Club" of which I am a member, that Christmas is not always a joy filled.

My memories ...
shared with you as a one example of the struggle some have
this time of year. 

Old memories ... as an elementary teacher pulled suddenly from my students,  .... standing in the school secretary's office decorated in reds and greens and golds, hearing mom's voice say over the phone the words "dad just died,"  tears,  confused faces of my second graders as I left them with a substitute in the middle of their holiday party ... waiting outside for my husband to pick me up, disbelief, seeing another staff member, arms filled with holiday cheer for a staff party, smiling and happy, and seeing the smile fade as I said the words ...  and within days standing at mom's side in a funeral home that was decked out with the reds and the golds and the greens of the season, helping to pick out a casket while Christmas music filtered softly through the speakers, hearing her whisper, "I hope he knew that I loved him."

The date was December 23, 1970.  

I was 23.  

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Years pass.  The holiday subtly changed.  Bad things do happen when the world seems happy.  New to me at age 23.  Children were born, memories were put aside with purpose and with determination.  Some joy seeped back in.

Fresher memories ... the same music, the same reds, the same golds, the same greens of the season, the same joy in the air ...  except it was December and my 85 year old mom moved in assisted living.  Christmas was hard.  And the next year was harder, always harder.  I began to dread the signs of the approaching happy season.  My mantra  ... I will get passed this - then 'normal' can return.

Until Christmas 2014 came.  The same of everything was back.  Again.  Music, greens, golds and reds, decorated trees, gifts.  All the same - except three days before Christmas a new image was added ... a nurse sitting me down ... the words "your mother is dying."  Regrets expressed, only a few days left, comfort drugs for her, can I do anything for you or your family.

Truly, what little joy of the season in me was sucked out.

December 28, 2014 she died.  

I was 67.  

I know that was 4 years ago,
but it is really only yesterday in my mind.

Scars upon scars.

The 'happy' season is different for me now.

I accept the memories now.  They are a part of who I am.  Not something to be swept aside.  It is an anniversary of a sort that two important people passed from this life during the happiest time of the year.  And one life, mine, changed because of it.

My experience isn't unique.  Nursing homes report a high incidence of death at Christmas.  And the troublesome problems of life continue - missing a loved one, financial problems, health problems, emotional upheaval - despite the constant unending message of December to "Be Happy."

So remember as you move through this month some folks are struggling.  They may still smile and laugh and appear to be engaged in the wonder that is the Christmas season.  But they may be wearing a mask.  I know that I do.

Be kind.  

Be understanding.  

Be tolerant of their need for space from the season.  

Be happy yourself.  

But remember, sometimes 'happy' is not the goal for some - 

sometimes just a quiet peaceful holiday is all that can be achieved.

And that is ok.

Made it!

Anyone who has read my blog for awhile knows that this holiday has become a hurdle I struggle to get passed.   By the time I get to the 27th or the 28th, I am thrilled to be passed another Christmas.

I love the fact we are over 360 days away from the next Christmas.  I am happy to see the holiday decor begin to disappear from the stores and homes.  The holiday music that has been playing 24/7 on my favorite radio station (since before Thanksgiving, for gosh sakes), finally will revert to normal "70,s 80's, 90's and hits of today."   I know, I know ... I hear whispers of "grinch."

Well, let me assure you.  I am not a grinch.  I value the holiday for what it should be - a celebration of the birth of Christ.  I love making someone smile with a specially chosen or hand made gift.  I find peace in an evening walk around my neighborhood to see the holiday lights.  But sadness does follow me.

It hasn't always been that way.  If life delivers enough hard hits during the holidays ... it can change how you respond to them.  My dad died 3 days before Christmas in 1970.  My mom died 3 days after Christmas in 2014.  And in the last 10 years, my mom spent many holidays stuck in Assisted Living or a nursing home - because she was too disabled to get home.  I know neither parent would want those experiences to ruin my holidays.  The holidays aren't 'ruined,' but they are changed, and maybe permanently so.

Looking up - this year's Christmas was easier than last year's Christmas  It was our second year in the condo.  I have stopped grieving the move from our townhouse of 30 years.  I still wish life hadn't made this move necessary. Stairs and a recently blind husband are just a bad combination.  So I am passed that loss and really appreciate the convenience of the condo.  I 'visit' my parents right after Christmas every year.  The trips are filled with less sorrow now and more just a flood of memories of my life with each of them.  I think it is good to allow those memories to surface (the good and the bad) - and to remember where I came from.  It gives me some comfort to know they are both beyond suffering now.  And we - as a family - are celebrating a soon to be born child.  Maybe this grand child will help heal some of those hard hits that make this season so hard for me.  Maybe life is finally giving me a mark in the positive column with a new little life to cherish.

Regardless ...  This year ... I made it!  Passed another one!

Count Down to C Day

Look at the calendar!

( ... waiting while you check.)

Notice anything?

No?

Go back and check that calendar again.

( ... waiting,  ... checking my finger nails,  ... rubbing eyes, ... picking nose ... 

well maybe not that last one.)

Yes ...  you saw it ... counting today, we are 3 days away from Christmas Day.  And for me, we actually celebrate on Christmas Eve ... so I got 2 days left in my own personal count down.

I don't know about you but I have a holiday list ... and I am checking it twice.  And that was only in the last 2 minutes.  'Cause there is this frick'en (#@**##) deadline!! I really hate deadlines.

Christmas is such a BIG deadline.  I gave up deadlines when I gave up working for a living.  Many newly retired folks give up loud alarm clocks and demanding bosses.  I gave those up too, but at the top of my give up list is deadlines.  And yet, every year ... there it is ... that C Day Deadline that just can't be wished away.

So what does my check list look like on this day - 2 days in advance of my deadline.

✔   Tree is up and decorated.
✔   Decorations are out.
✔   Gifts are wrapped - major ones, anyway.
✔   And the first batch of cookie dough is in the refrigerator.
✔   Make 3 more batches of cookie dough.
✔   Bake all those cookies.
✔   Finish gift shopping.
✔   Prepare menus.
✔   Food shop.
      Make Liver Cookies for the grand dogs
      Cook Christmas Eve family dinner.
      Share gifts on Christmas Eve.
      Cook Christmas morning breakfast.
      Visit mom at Gate of Heaven Cemetery.

I live with lists.  They can be good or bad.  This Christmas list is a good list, 'cause most of the things are checked as done.  It settles my mind to see that in black and white (Ha!  or green in this case.)

I am going to be all right.

I think.

One last to-do I just remembered!
     Wish my blog friends a peaceful and happy holiday season, no matter what you celebrate.

To my dear blog friends

Have a peaceful and happy holiday.

Be sure to carve out some time for yourself.

Ok, now I can mark that item as complete as well.  

✔    Wish my blog friends a peaceful and happy holiday season, no matter what you celebrate.

        

Oops ... another to-do!

        Carve some time out for me.  (Need to stop now ... my to-do list is growing!  

                   If I am not careful this list will become a bad list (more un-✔ed  than ✔ed

                   items) 😁

All Decked Out

A quick peak around the Christmas decorations in place for this year.

It starts with the Christmas Tree.  It always starts with the tree.  This artificial tree is about 2 years old.  It  is a smaller slim line tree that works good in small spaces.  It is pre-lite and simple construction.  It holds about 1/2 the ornaments I have.  My goal:  some time in the next two years get a table top model tree.  My perfect three would be a about 3-4 feet high that would sit on a table by the window.  It would be on a stand that maybe plays music and rotates.  Pre-lite would be good.  I keep looking and nothing seems to be just right - so until it is - this tree will be part of my Christmas.

The tree decorations are all meaningful.  The little gold house in the picture below is the a miniature replica of the old time train station located in historic Ellicott City.  About two years ago Ellicott City was assaulted by a major flash flood - devastating the small town and killing one person.  Having withstood many floods in the past, many historic, the town has come back.  The gold tree ornament is a way to support the rebuilding.

The Pug Cookie Jar holds my grand dogs' cookies.  My dear grand dog Grimace, a pug with a heart of gold, has long since passed away.  I miss him every day.  But he is mentioned when I give out cookies to the grand dogs who replaced him.  "Who wants one of Grimace's cookies?  Only good dogs get one of his cookies."

The small lighted Christmas Tree beside the cookie jar was made by my mom during her 'ceramic painting' phase.  This kind of lighted tree is dated compared to more stylish decorating options available today.  But this little tree will always be a part of my Christmas.  It reminds me of her every time I look at it.  And I miss her every day as well.

This little collection of lighted houses belonged to my mother-in-law.  

It has been some time since I had them out for the holiday, 

but this year I wanted her represented in our celebration.

The other side of the lighted house display as it faces the kitchen.  

This pug ornament, a gift from my daughter, demonstrations

 so truthfully the fun loving nature of Pugs.  

My daughter and her fearless companion, Milo, 

(in the tan sweater that I made for him this season), helped with the holidays lights on the deck.  

Our tree is a mix of dog and cat ornaments. 

The two dog ornaments below show Meathead (left) and Milo (right).

Meathead was my first grand dog.  He was such a dear dog.  

This final ornament was made by my mom.  She loved crafts.

This is another of my mother-in-law's lighted houses.  

It sits in a naturally dark corner of the kitchen counter.

This final picture shows just two Santas from a large collection of Santas I once owned.  Collections became a thing of the past when we downsized.  But I kept a few of my favorite Santas.

When the kids were young, I used to decorate the whole first floor of the townhouse.  All the rooms. Regular knick knacks got packed away and everything was Christmas themed.  That was a major chore.  The decorations filled many many boxes when stored during the year and filled an entire large basement closet.  And my efforts were modest compared to some people I have known.  My neighbor below me pays for storage for her Christmas decorations.  I am sure she is not the only one who does this.

When the thrilling rush of the season began to fade during my mom's care years,  Christmas decorating faded too.  My heart wasn't in it.  Many of those items were finally downsized out of the house - holding onto only those items that had real meaning.   I could never to back to the Holiday Wonderland-style of decorating I once aimed for.  Now I am content with much less.  And because there is less, I appreciate each item that survived the purge so much more.

So how do you celebrate the season ... if you do celebrate!