Lessons in Friendship and a Trip

In the last years of my mom's life I learned many end-of-life lessons.  As her body and mind failed her, she showed how hard aging can be, how the little steps in "letting go" of independence can drain your enjoyment of life, and how her love of family continued despite all the loss.

The lesson of friendship, however, I learned from someone else.

A true friendship doesn't fade away because our lives change, or we move away or we get old, or our brain dies slowly.  Recently I learned that even if we die - that link of lasting friendship and affection is not lost ... unless we intentionally let it go.  Mom's friend of 65 years had no intention of letting go of anything.  I learned something about friendship from her one weekend in October.

When my mom's friend called me and invited my sister and I to visit her (almost 4 years after mom's death), I was blown away by the invitation.  She lived far away and had limited mobility and mom's dementia removed mom mentally from her friends.  But mom's friend managed to keep connected with me over the course of mom's last months.  Since mom's death, that friendship connection remained strong within her friend - wanting to know about our growing family ... and mom's great grand babies!

We were thrilled to get the invitation.

Our visit would take us into Long Island, NY by train.  I love train travel.  My sister and I looked upon it as an adventure.  Thankfully my sister is a seasoned traveler so she took control of working out the details of travel.

The train turned out to be great fun.  Who knew they served food and drinks in a dining car!  We were several train cars away from the dining car, so we walked (read: staggered - train movements, you know) through another car I have never heard of - the Quiet Car!  Apparently in the Quiet Car - you must be quiet.  Ha!  A Quiet Car seemed like an odd thing to find in a bouncy noisy rocking mode of travel.  Each car has a toilet - thankfully.  The seats in the train provide a pull down tray and reclining options just like riding on a plane.  But the similarities between train and air travel stopped there.  Air travel requires so many security checks before you can even board the plane.  Train travel?  Not one security check.  Sort of like riding a bus - you have your ticket and you just get on - and don't tarry, 'cause that train is rolling out of the station with or without you.

The highlight of our trip was seeing Mom's friend again.  She had retired many years ago to a beautiful area of Long Island called Rocky Point.  At 93 years of age, she is still as sharp as ever.  Our conversations with her were interesting and animated.  She had her share of health issues that limited her mobility, but make no mistake ... she had her mind!

My sister and I prepared photo album of our grand babies as a gift for her.  We also included several pictures of mom during her last years just before the dementia totally took her from us.  She loved the book and we heard from her daughter that she shared it with others.

Riding home on the train after our visit left lots of time for thought and reflection.   I couldn't help but marvel at how rich my mom's friendship life was with this woman.  Mom's friend was always a fire ball of a personality.  My earliest memories of her (I was probably age 7), are of a woman who was strong of body and mind, energitic and very generous of herself.  My mom was always a calm accepting kind of a personality who understood more than she ever said.  Together they complimented each other so well.  But I was also sad because mom was not here now to enjoy the friendship they had cultivated over a lifetime.

We plan to do our share of staying connected with this wonderful woman ... especially now that we know that she has not let go of her friendship with our mom.  Not even death can take away what they had.  The album we gave her had lots of open spaces.  We will keep her current with pictures and notes - and we will take her up on her invitation to return for another visit - probably in the spring.

Some lessons in life

 ... well ... 

they brought tears to my eyes more than once that weekend.

Next ... a little pictorial of Rocky Point Long Island - the beauty and the reality of living there.

Circle of Friends

Yesterday was my knitting group meeting!

It was my turn to host!  As I prepared I got to thinking ...

Social contacts ...  in the bullet list of a healthy life style for seniors, a circle of friends should be #1 - ahead of medications and shots, ahead of a healthy diet and an exercise regimen.  Ahead of just about everything.  After all ... who really knows what contributes to a long life - but whatever minutes we have in that life, it should include regular time with friends.

I didn't read that idea in a book or hear it on a TV show.  I watched it play out in the real lives of 3 elderly relatives.  Friends would move away or die and the social circle would shrink until sometimes there was no one left.  I remember my mother-in-law talking about her 'friends:' the cab driver who took her to the grocery store every week, the grocery store checker whose line she always waited for so she could 'visit,' the hair dresser who gave her a wash and set every week for years.  These folks were her 'friends' toward the end of her life.  It made me sad and a little uncomfortable knowing just how common this situation is.

So I have made it a priority to take a different path as I got older.

The second Monday of every month 6 of us get together and knit for about 3 hours ... well, it is more like knit, laugh, snack, share .... repeat!  We take turns hosting this group in our homes.  We make time for each other.

Our small group was drawn together by a share interest ... knitting.  The idea of a private knitting circle was birthed through a public knitting circle that I frequented for many years.

In 2010 I joined a new local drop-in group called Columbia Sip and Knit.  When I joined there were only 7  members.  The group met in public places and was open to all.  Because it was held in a public place, folks passing by would often stop and talk with us.  Over time the membership grew from those casual encounters.  Initially we had only one meeting option a week.  Last time I checked the membership stats for that group have grown to over 1000 and there are 5 or 6 choices of meetings each week - different times and locations - something to suit any schedule.  The growth of this group was directly related to the growing popularity of knitting over the last 20 years.

My first Tuesday morning knitting group in 2010.

Early on I volunteered to be the organizer of a Tuesday morning session. I believe that group still meets at a local restaurant.

Beautiful days in our local shopping center court yard.

Three years ago I got restless.  I wanted different things from my knitting group experience.  I wanted stability - not new faces every week.  I wanted true friendships - not acquaintances.  I wanted to develop these friendships into lasting relationships - where not only light casual conversation happened, but where serious and sometimes sad sharing could be safely expressed.  A circle of friends that were committed to each other, made time for each other and not just committed to knitting.

I reached out to another member and shared my idea for this new group.  She felt the same way and before you knew it, we had identified 8 members.  All were excited to start anew within a private framework.

That was 3 years ago!  We have shrunk from 8 to 6 members when 2 of our group moved out of state.  But 6 is good number and we are open to new faces should the opportunity present itself.

I pondered all this as I was setting out the munchies for our gathering yesterday.  Thinking back to our beginning I realized how well it has turned out.  We care about each other - we have shared many things sitting around the kitchen table knitting and we have developed a support system of sorts.

I think it is still evolving and who knows what the future holds.  But a circle of caring friendships is as important to my wellbeing as taking that morning vitamin or going for a daily walk.

Hiking with friends and nature

The secret to a rich life

 is to have more beginnings

 than endings.

Dave Weinbaum

Today was the first hike of knitting friends.

  We met for a walk at Middle Patuxent Environmental Area in Howard County, Maryland.

  The day was wonderfully cool, with bright sun and deep shaded and tons of green

 ... all provided by Mother Nature.

Walking in the woods was something my husband and I really enjoyed doing years ago.

  We had gotten away from it as his eye sight began to fail.

  But I always missed those hiking vacations.

Following a path that sometimes was wide,

 and sometimes was narrow ... 

sometimes was steep and sometimes was flat ... 

arriving at a fork in the woods

 and trying to decide the best way to go ... 

Being grateful for a path marker that confirms - 

Yes, this is the path we expect you to be on!!

Good Job!!

And there are always choices when you come to the fork in the woods.

  Sometimes those choices are confusing ... 

like that blue arrow that is pointing to the sky!  

Having sharing time with friends who enjoy the same beautiful surroundings,

 who want a little bit of adventure,

 who are curious to also see what is around the next bend ...

That is what I did today.  

I will admit my legs from the knees down are a bit tired,

 but my spirit is smiling broadly.

  Nature and friends ... an unbeatable combination.

Images of a Christmas with Friends

Sunday ... day of rest!

Well, not entirely because I need to pull down all my Christmas decorations for this year!

But before I do, I want to share some images of last night's party. This party was especially sweet because last year was so dismal. Our holiday in December 2010 was severely abbreviated because of mom's recent hospital and rehab discharge. And this annual party in January 2011 wound up getting cancelled because almost everyone was ill that year and wanted to keep their distance from mom. It was the strangest holiday ever.

So here is the Christmas Party of January 2011 with some very dear friends and much loved family.

I love candid shots, and with the exception of a very few, these are candid.

The table was ready - except for the mushrooms - they were still in the oven.

Oh, there they are!

I don't think they ever made it to the table!

They went from the oven into the stomachs with record speed.

What is a party without cake! Here is the baker.

Here is the cake! Pretty beautiful - tasty too.

Time to dig in!

It is the point of the whole event!

My husband who makes a point of staying out of pictures!

This beautiful woman is my daughter!

Everyone should be lucky enough to have a daughter like her.

Lucky me!

Of course, my granddogs would be there!

Of course!!

Time spent with friends.

Both faces in this picture are worth the shot!

I love my camera.

Grimace in a quiet moment - wearing his pooch pants!

Milo focused on the fork!

Meathead focused on love.

My fantastic son with his wonderful future wife!

Gosh, that has a wonderful sound to it!

Two great kids!

Two future sisters!

The last Hurrah for our Christmas Tree.

It was a wonderful Christmas!

Getting Ready for Company

Yes, I said I would be back Sunday. It is Saturday. The blogging habit has returned and the need to share some pictures of my company preparation just seemed to make the prep time more productive!

Does that make sense?

This party is a yearly event for this group. It was started by another member of the group more than 25 years ago. She has since retired to Florida, and I volunteered to continue the tradition by hosting the yearly party.

She set the standard - keep it simple, buy the food, use disposable dishes and cups, enjoy your company. And since no one expects more, I usually follow in her practice.

But each year I do make a few things that are more than she would do.

For example - Banana Bread totally filled with walnuts. No recipe - this is a package mix by Dole (the Banana people) that I get from my local warehouse store. It is yummy! I could make this from scratch, but being a devout non-cooker, I don't believe in making things from scratch if a wonderful option is available (and yes, there is a piece missing - you ALWAYS need to check to be sure it is OK for your guests - and my daughter checked behind me to be sure that I wasn't wrong - and I considered checking behind her to make sure she wasn't wrong.)

If not careful you can "check" things right out of existence. :-)

I made Deviled Eggs this year. I love Deviled Eggs and they are so easy to make.

The Stuffed Baked Mushrooms are the creation of my predecessor. The mushrooms are the one thing that people seem to expect. No picture yet, because they are made at the last minute.

I always like having raw vegs and a tossed salad available so that those who are dieting have some options. That was also my addition to this party.

And the spiral cut honey ham is a standard - and it is the only time I have it all year. I love ham but my husband is not a fan. So once a year is good enough. We include roast beef and cheese for those who aren't ham fans.

And, of course, I discovered that I didn't have enough wine glasses for the guests, so I ran out to buy new ones at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Nothing fancy because I break them all the time. Gave them a quick wash.

While there I found a ceramic platter on clearance for $6.99 and with my 20% off coupon, the platter cost me $5.59. I was thrilled.

It had a decent design - but kept reasonable by being all white.

Setting up the buffet table is always fun. By the time I get all the things to the table that I planned, I always discover that I over-planned. Here is an early shot - a few of the dishes that will be used.

But it always happens. Too many dishes. But to begin with I just get dishes out on the table, slowly over the afternoon. Food that cannot hit the table now, sits in the fridge and the dish on the table is labeled with its name.

So it is now about 2:30 pm. No one is expected until 7:00 pm. All I need to make now are the stuffed mushrooms - that are made at the last minute.

My to-do list probably has something else on it, but I am not looking. I am sitting - resting my feet and ...

Visiting with you!

:-)

Friendship

The most beautiful discovery true friends make

is that they can grow separately without growing apart.

~ Elisabeth Foley

What a true statement.

I do believe that friendship is a convoluted subject, one that isn't easily discussed without using generalities or platitudes. My life has been filled with many friendships, but I wanted to give a nod to the special kind of friendship that doesn't fit the typical friendship mold.

The seldom seen or talked to friend!

The friend you are instantly at ease with

even if it has been 10 years since you last talked.

As a child or young person friends seem to be an important influence and fluid part of our lives. As a child, friends can be casually made in a moment. Ask a child who has just spent time playing in the sandbox with a new acquaintance ... who is this person they are spending time with and they usually say without hesitation "my friend". Teens place a great importance on the opinions of their "friends" - peer pressure is all about friends and what they think and how you fit in.

But as you mature you realize that not everyone who crosses your path in life is a friend. By mid life many established friendships are tested by distance, time or hardship. Sometimes those tested friendships disappear. Later in life some long term friendships can almost reach the level of family ties.

I am blessed with the ability to make friends easily. I count a diverse group of people among my friends. As the quote above reflects, friendship should be able to stand the test of individual growth and change. Friends who are cookie cutter images of me are not as satisfying as those hold a different perspective.

The most surprising friendships for me are the ones that are not nurtured. You hear all the time ... friendships, relationships, marriages ... they need caring and tending to be successful. And yet, I personally have a hand full of friends who I rarely see or communicate with, and when we get together it is like no time has passed, no changes in who we are have occurred.

Yet, change has occurred. Life changes you. But the basic underlying relationship is unchanged. The comfort in each other's company remains.

Why is that!

Can it be said that friendship is more of a chemistry thing?

You either have a good chemistry with a person or you don't.

Or is the art of building friendships more an individual thing?

Are some individuals more open to the differences of others

and that is what makes the friendship work between 2 divergent people?

I can think of at least 5 individuals who fit this category of "distant friend"

- no matter when they bump into my life,

we are in sync.

Do you have friends like that?

Today: Rain, Rest, Random Thoughts

Rainy Day

Today is one of those gently rainy days and a good day to sit and knit. Don't know why, but rain is probably my favorite weather. And I love, love, love walking in the rain. There is something so settling about being alone with your thoughts and rain. Sort of like an envelope of privacy that buffers you from all distractions except the "white noise" of nature. Today will be a walk day for sure. And picture taking in the rain is more of a challenge. I probably don't have the camera to capture such quick moving objects - so when I do there is joy!

Rest Day

My husband celebrated his 65th Birthday yesterday. A big one for sure. We had a small dinner party for family and friends. No pictures this time - too busy with preparations. And sometimes the camera is not a welcome guest at a gathering. This was one of those times. My husband is not comfortable with pictures so Saturday was a day of rest for my wonderful camera. Happy Birthday dear husband.

And today ... I rest.

Random Thoughts

The desire to keep my hands busy with knitting seems to be returning slowly but consistently. Just like the canary in the mine shaft - the little bird that warns miners that there might be trouble with the air - knitting seems to be my little canary as to how I am doing from the inside out. The fact that this loved hobby is returning, the desire to sit and knit, the joy at producing a knitted project (even a simple hand towel) - all adds up to good signs for me. I am even thinking of getting my loom out! Before you know it the spinning wheel will be out too!! See, the desire is still there!

Today is a no-cook day! I love no-cook days. I love left overs! I love cooking for company, but I love eating left overs when company has gone. I had help getting the company dinner cleaned up last night (thank you dear daughter), so I didn't get to see inside my refrigerator until this morning when I looked for cream for my coffee. Wow! It was totally packed!! A rather startling sight without any caffeine! It will be like an archeological expedition day to see what is in the refrigerator. Love it!

Today will be a blog day. Need to catch up with all my blog friends. No sooner do I get my unread posts down to 10 or so, when I miss a day or two and I bounce up to 50 or 60 that are waiting. But I am not complaining. An hour or so of reconnecting with you is fun. I need to brainstorm future postings for my blog. I have developed a pattern of "brain storming" ideas, dropping them into draft posts for the future, and then, when I am in a writing mood - fleshing them out and posting. It works well and it take the pressure off each individual day to "write something".

Today is a good, good day!