Back!

Ok, I am back! It was a fun break and much-ly needed apparently.

I received some feedback that I said "two weeks," and it has been longer!! :-)

I made some discoveries while on break ... crazy but true.

• Breaks are good. Everyone needs a break.
• I am happy to be back blogging.
• I got so much done while I was gone. Apparently I can be productive when my fingers are not on a keyboard.
• I tried to keep up with my friends blogs. Failure!! I am about 325 postings behind. Gads! I really was on break!

See you guys tomorrow! Project and pics to follow.

Hope you are still there!!

Deep breath, close eyes, pause

Gosh!

The travel through this care giving topic was more intense than I thought.

I shed a few tears of my own in the sharing.

Some emotions run very deep.

I have deeply enjoyed taking this care giver journey

with you over the last month.

But I am ready to take a break.

I am ready to recharge, regroup, and return

in about 2 weeks.

And while I am gone I will catch up with my blog reading.

You will see me on your blogs getting caught up.

Taking a few deep breaths.

Time to take a break.

I'll be back ...

...

You come back too ... :-)

Retired Knitter

Through My Care Giver Eyes - The End?

God grant me the courage

not to give up what I think is right,

even when I think it is hopeless.

Chester W. Nimitz

Fleet Admiral Chester Nimitz

led the Allied Forces to Victory in the Pacific in World War II

When I first saw this quote it resonated with me. So many elements of the care giving life can seem hopeless. It can be very easy to just give up. After all, care giving cannot create good health, prevent disability or death. As they say, no one gets out of this life, alive! But it can provide a safety net, an improved quality of life and a dignity in aging for someone you love. It may seem hopeless if you see only the downward spiral, but care giving ... it is the right thing to do.

Sharing my life as a care giver in my blog began as a fleeting thought. The idea popped into my head in a nano second and took root. I couldn't seem to shake it. Draft postings began to tumble out of me ... like a dam with a small unchecked leak that grows and grows until there is a flood.

Still, I held off publishing that first posting. I held off for a long time. Who would be interested in the ramblings of a daughter doing what millions of other people have done before ... caring for an aging relative. There is nothing unique about my story. What value did it have except to me?

And still I continued to write and write and write ... drafts only. But the idea of publishing the posts grew just as the idea of writing my story had grown. It felt like this idea was taking on a life of its own. As the drafts evolved, I knew I would publish something to my blog at some point.

I finally published my first post with the thought that this writing was for me! The post would have an audience of one. Maybe a few family members might be interested. But the goal was to write for me. So I turned off the comments option.

Soon I was getting private emails from others who saw themselves in my story and felt compelled to respond in the only way I allowed ... by personal email. The emails expressed a kind of kinship with my life. Some comments were so descriptive that I began to wonder if they, too, had a "leaky dam" that needed a little release. I began to understand that the barrier of "no comments" was unnecessary. Readers wanted to share. So I put the comments function back on the posts.

Well, it is all out. The good and the bad.

Is this the end? Hardly. I am still care giving. I am still living each and every day with my aging mother.

This blog started with a theme provided by Mark Twain.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed

by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do ..."

The quote, in its unedited form, references bold thinking and actions: "explore, dream, discover." I see my life right now as less than bold, but the quote is still valid. When all is said and done ... I will not be disappointed by the time I have devoted from my life in caring for my mother.

I guess the flood of thoughts and words on this topic will slow a bit now. I have exhausted many of the backed up emotions and observations. The dam is no longer at flood stage. I am content to write on care giver things as they evolve.

I want to thank all of you who followed this story and provided so many thoughtful comments both on the blog, in person, and through private emails. Many of you shared your own care giving experiences. It has been an honor for me to have such wonderful readers.

I need to send a very grateful "thank you" to two blogging friends who invited me into their blogs and introduced me to their readers.

Doris, from Hold My Hand, is a nursing home social worker. She professionally understood as well as any care giver the life experiences and emotions I shared. Her recognition helped me understand the value of my experience for anyone walking this road with an elderly parent. It was also my first "guest post" on another person's blog. Thank you, Doris.

Another long time reader, Delores, from The Feathered Nest asked if she could introduce me to her readers through a post on her blog. I was touched and felt honored to be the topic of one of her posts. Delores, with her supportive comments and gentle wit, was a constant companion for me as I told this story. Thank you, Delores.

This writing has given me some clarity and peace. So much of what I did over the last 5 years was reactive to life as I lived it. There was no plan, no method, no agenda. I responded from my gut. I did what I thought was right at the moment without giving it too much analysis. Now looking back - seeing the path I took without thinking - I see that my gut was right. Thankfully, I listened to my gut more than I listened to others. I think it worked out. At least so far.

And I am also glad I finally listened to the mustard seed growing in me and started to write about this experience. These days are a bit lighter for me now that I have remembered ... and shared.

Finally to my mother. Much is made of a woman's pain and struggle to give birth. But I sincerely believe that the real struggle comes after birthing. Molding a child into a normal functioning human while living a very difficult personal life is the best gift a mother can give her child.

Thanks, mom.

Retired knitter

Care Giver and Daughter

"Sanity Group" - more than just talk

Every Tuesday morning I go to my "Sanity Group!" Well, that is what I call it. Everyone else calls it The Columbia Sip and Knit: Tuesday Morning Knitting Group!

These lovely people keep me connected, grounded, focused ... they really should charge for it! :-)

Here are some FOs (Finished Objects for those poor souls who have not discovered the joys of knitting, crocheting, and weaving). Every single Tuesday, someone has finished something!!

This gorgeous sky blue tunic top is an eye-catcher for sure.

We all were impressed with the beauty of the work and the style.

Let me say something about this beautiful blanket.

The technique used in this project is called double knitting. For those who are non-knitters, this technique produces a fabric that is two sided with colors reverse on the opposite side.

While this technique doesn't sound like such a big deal, let me assure you ... IT IS!

I have been a knitter for 14 years, and I haven't been able to successfully produce a pot holder using this technique. So you can be sure that a whole blanket is way beyond my skill level.

Thankfully my self-esteme can survive this inadequacy.

I think!

This same knitter finished a beautiful sweater just recently.

She just seems to pump these project out.

Maybe now is a good time to mention that I finished a pair of socks that I started in January 2010 ... finished them just last week. Yeah, me!

Ok ...

forget I said anything.

Here is another beautiful sweater completed by different knitter. It also took her less time to make this whole sweater than it took me to make two small socks. *sigh*

What is hard to see in my picture is that this yarn has a bit of sparkle to it. Very appealing.

We don't limit ourselves to just knitting.

Here is a project called pin weaving. This technique produces a textured picture from the use of different kinds of yarns. In the picture on the left you can see each individual pin used to anchor the yarns used.

I usually try to post finished objects only, but this project was so unusual and beautiful, I wanted to share to the process.

This stunning scarf was a perfect match for clothes I was wearing that day.

I couldn't seem to separate the scarf from its creator based on that reason alone.

Go figure!

And this blanket is not only striking in its color and design ... it is massive! A very impressive piece of work, indeed.

My socks are ...

Oh forget it. My socks can't hold a candle to something this large!!!

So some of you may be wondering why my knitted socks are not part of this array of finished objects.

... let see,

well I guess ...

or maybe,

ahh,

... give me just a minute,

I am sure I can come up with a believable lie ...

Ok, ok. I'll take a picture and post it soon ... promise!

After all, I am sure I hold the record for taking the longest period of time to complete the shortest project!!

Through My Care Giver Eyes - The Future

A scary place, the future.

For mom the path she seems to be following is predictable ... new medical problems, more disability, less mental engagement, more hands-on care.

During her last hospitalization and rehab, she slipped quite a bit. I worried that she had passed some invisible line that required more professional care than I could provide at home. But I resisted because in my mind we were still dealing with an illness. You get better from an illness. You may still have chronic medical conditions, but you can recover from the episodic illness that made you weak, and you get well enough to do the things you once could.

And she did improve some.

But questions still remain. Will mom's future hold an assisted living or a nursing home? Will her health continue to hold stable or will she slide further downward? How long can we manage her needs in our home? These issues seem to glide one into the other in a massive gray way. There never seems to be a definitive line in the sand that says ... "Now we must take this next step."

I worry about the impact of mom's future on myself. How long can I physically continue to manage her declining condition? Will I be able to separate her needs adequately from my own? Could I survive my internal turmoil of placing her in another living environment that is not my home?

The final assault will be her death. I can't imagine her absence from my life after 64 years. I can't begin to fathom the size of the void that will be left by her passing. I have read there is a relief and a kind of freedom at this passing. But do those feelings balance the loss and the void her death will cause in my life? Will I ever be normal again or will I have to search for a "new normal" for my own life?

And what of my own aging? I watch her struggle and I think ... you are looking at yourself 20-30 years into the future. Where will I be physically and mentally at 85? I know that some of mom's condition is the result of her personal choices over the last 20 years. But the aging process is not easy for some and hard for others. The aging process is hard for everyone no matter what you do to prevent it.

Yes, the future is a scary place.

Retired Knitter

Care Giver and Daughter

Through My Care Giver Eyes - Faith

I avoid talking about religion and politics. Both topics are polarizing. People typically have strong views about both, and those views are not generally changed by discussion.

But I have touched on the topic of faith in my care giving series. Maybe a few more comments now won't hurt.

I was raised a practicing Catholic. I owe a great deal of my good education to the Catholic Nuns who were my teachers from grades 1 to 8. And I believe my morality and views on life can be traced back to my religious upbringing.

As an adult, I like to think of myself as a good person, treating others as I would like to be treated, finding the good in everyone, keeping an open mind regarding others ideas and positions ... and I still believe there is a God. But I am not as comfortable with an organized religion as I was in my youth. In fact, against some of the precepts of my religious education, I do not believe that any one religion has the total attention of God to the exclusion of everyone else.

Mom still is a strong traditional Catholic. I take mom to Mass every Sunday. Mom's faith is a vital part of who she is, and she has many social contacts at church. She believes in all the traditions and the rituals. She has lived her whole life never questioning anything about her religion.

Looking back mom's relationship with her church and God, I can see how it sustained her. Her favorite saint was always St. Jude, Patron Saint of Hopeless Causes. Hopeless Causes. A sad indication of how she felt about her life for so long.

I guess in the end St. Jude came through for her. Dad died when mom was in her 40s. After he was gone, she finally was able to build a good life for herself. Work, travel, friends, hobbies - she finally a chance to live normally. But 24 years is a long time to live with such unhappiness. I often say, I wouldn't have put up with my dad, but put in her shoes with 2 young children, no job and no family support nearby ... who knows what I would have done.

Mom's faith was her lifeline, and St. Jude finally paid attention to her prayers. I can't help but wonder if she was just waiting and waiting for some divine intervention. Could things have been different if she took some kind of action.

Still, 24 years ... "hopeless causes" ... makes me sad even to this day.

I guess I am more of a questioner! As an adult, when I thought about God, I didn't find comfort and answers in organized religion. I believe that we all were created by God with intelligence, wit and strength, and we are expected to use those gifts as we live our lives. To sit back and wait for Him to fix things is to ignore the tools He gave us to fix things ourselves.

Still ... when I have lost strength and feel I can't take another step ... I turn to prayer.

So I do believe in God, the same God that mom believes in ... and I think He is fine with both our approaches. I don't think He judges on how we believe, just as long as we believe.

A well known poem called Footprints speaks most closely to how I felt this last year has been for me and my relationship with God.

One night I had a dream

--I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord

and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,

one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that many times along the path of my life,

there was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life.

This really bothered me

and I questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,

you would walk with me all the way,

but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life

there is only one set of footprints."

"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,

you should leave me."

The Lord replied,

"My precious, precious child,

I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering.

"When you saw only one set of footprints,

it was then that I carried you."

Mary Stevenson

I guess I got carried a few times this year.

Hope He doesn't forget where I live. :-)

Retired Knitter

Care Giver and Daughter

Through My Care Giver Eyes - Help

Getting help!

I am not good at it. Type A personalities typically aren't good at asking for help or delegating.

And I have lived my life pretty much according to this quote:

The best place to find a helping hand

is at the end of your own arm.

Swedish Proverb

Care giving, however, teaches you the limits of your energy. And no matter what your personality type, eventually, you find yourself in over your head. For me it is a terrible position to be in ... to ask for help.

In fact, the last time I stretched to the breaking point, my husband insisted that I ask for help.

And I did.

But if you ask for help and you get resistance or excuses, it confirms that you shouldn't have asked in the first place. If you ask for help and it is interpreted as a rescue from your decisions, that is deadly.

So I rarely ask.

The truth is that you cannot do this job alone. Even in elder care institutions, they have 3 eight hour shifts of helping hands. Thankfully, I have a generous, loving and strong network.

To start with my husband, whose every day life was most affected by my choices, continues to support me. I am sure when he said his vows 42 years ago, it didn't include living with his mother-in-law. It is not his nature to be a care giver, and the frustrations of life for him are considerable at times. But how do you project 42 years into the future what life will be like and what will be asked of you. The fact he is still standing solidly by my side after 5 difficult years I guess means he really meant "until death do us part." How great is that!

And my adult children have been a help beyond measure. They don't wait to be asked. They see a need and jump right in. They really should be saving energy for their own parents 20 years from now ... meaning me, of course! :-) I plan to be a hand full when I am mom's age. I have already warned them.

But seriously, my adult children have already shown sensitivity and commitment without my asking. They know first hand how hard this is for me at times. I am proud to call them my kids.

Then there are friends! I won't name names, but they know who they are. Two individuals readily come to mind because of recent events. There are others, but this blog can only hold so much.

One friend is dealing with her own husband's critical and complex health issues, but she has walked this parent care giving path before me. She has offer valuable insights by email time and time again. Never judgemental, she is supportive and caring to my thoughts and frustrations. She constantly reminds me how "normal" all my responses are - even the bad ones. My knitting friend ... you are golden!

And then there is another good friend from my former professional life, who I recently saw after an absence. I tried to pick her brain for home companion recommendations, since she too has been a care giver for her grandmother and husband. She responded so quickly to personally help, that I couldn't believe it: "I would love to do this for you and your mom!" She remembered mom from years ago when mom went to doctor appointments independently. This friend's generous and spontaneous offer had me in tears as I stood in her office. She demanded that I stop or she would be in tears, too. Mom remembers this lovely lady, and they spent their first afternoon together yesterday. It went exceeding well from both of them. Knowing that mom is in my friend's capable hands lifted about 10 pounds off my shoulders. Thank you my dear friend from the bottom of my heart.

A few other resources ...

The website Caring.com has been most interesting and was discovered by my husband. A recent story on Care Giver Stress and how to deal with it seemed timely. There is also a free online newsletter. It is amazing how many times I see myself in these articles.

Another suggestion I have yet to seek out is a book called Caring For Mother: The Long Goodbye by Virginia Stem Owens. I plan to order it - and review it for this series of posts at some future date. At times I feel I am living that title.

I have also found some interesting pod casts on the subject of elder care. Aging Parents Pod Cast can be found at iTunes and at their website Aging Parents.com. I haven't really explored the web site, but I have listened to a number of the pod casts. Five years ago I would have found this information very helpful. I have learned a lot already through experience, but there is still new information to be found. Of course, you have to read/listen critically and determine which information is valid for your situation.

Recently I discovered the large support system sitting out there for the asking .... the blogging community. While it is true that bloggers are distant "friends", they have frequently boosted my mood and energy with words of encouragement and advice. And the sharing of personal care giving experiences has been very touching.

You guys are the best!

In the end when all is said and done, I am the main support for mom ... she looks to me no matter what actions I take. But "help" is critical to make sure I can still be standing for as long as she needs me.

Retired Knitter

Care Giver and Daughter