Thankful for a difficult year

Traditionally people reflect on all to good things in their lives this time of year. As I reflect on this year all I can see are the struggles, disappointments and losses.

And still I am thankful. I have learned a lot about who I am. And I have learned to change my view of life.

• I managed to keep mom in my home for the most difficult year of both our lives.
• I lost a very close family relationship ... one that I thought would be with me until the day I died ... and discovered I could manage without her.
• I grew to realize I could not be "all" for my mom, that I had to let go, and give up her care to others more able to manage the challenge of her declining abilities.
• I said a quiet goodbye to a dear uncle and celebrated the wonderful life he lead and the family he left behind.
• I found unanticipated support and strength in friends who walked this path before me.
• I rediscovered the fact that I have the best kids in the entire world. I know this for a fact. Don't bother to argue with me.

It hasn't been the best year of my life and it may not be the worst - but it will probably count in the top 3 of worst years for sure.

You never really know how strong you are until you are tested. This year was nothing but a litany of tests. I passed a few, I bent under a few, and I probably failed a few. But I am glad to discover that I am still the same person, maybe stronger than I thought - someone who is surrounded by a loving family, who is living by her own judgements, and who despite the worst this life has dealt out to me thus far ... is still standing.

A hard post to write

What to say ...

Today is 3 weeks since her admission into rehab. In many ways she is less than she was, and yet she continues to improve in small ways. Maybe I see the improvements because I look for each little step forward. Maybe I want her to improve more than she wants to improve.

Physical therapy says that they will be discharging her by the end of November. But the discharge will include the recommendation that she has 24 hour assistance/monitoring. This translates to admission into Assisted Living or to an aide in our home for a minimum of 12 hours each day.

An aide in the home is not an option for us. Our townhouse is small. My husband is uncomfortable with the idea and I am not wild about it either. But my main concern is for my husband. After 5 years of living with his mother-in-law in sometimes difficult circumstances, I cannot ignore the line in the line in the sand that he has indicated. He also has expressed concern for the physical and emotional toll all this has taken on me to this point.

But what about mom ... After 3 weeks in rehab I can see that she is ceasing to try, to achieve, to remain connected to her surrounds. She sleeps a lot. She appears angry at times.

But most importantly she doesn't understand that she can no longer do for herself. She can no longer make the smallest common sense decisions for herself.

When she is awake she appears unhappy and no longer takes joy in the presence of family. Some of this is fatigue. Some of this is discouragement that she is not home. Maybe we are dealing with some depression as well. But without her corporation and desire to do the work to get stronger, there is no way to physically bring her back home.

I greatly fear that she can no longer live at home safely.

How will I ever be able to give her that news!

Sadness, Joy and Struggle

My, how quickly the time passes.

I returned from a quick trip to Florida to attend a viewing of my uncle who died this month.

The trip was filled with sadness and joy.

The loss of this favorite uncle was hard to accept. Yes, he lived a long and wonderful life. But letting go of loved relationship that helped make you the person you are is very difficult and filled with sadness. There was joy in putting my arms around my dear aunt, giving her a hug from my mom and one from me. Her last care giving years for my uncle took a large toll on her. Her work was done. Now she needs to build a life of her own. I would imagine that task looks like an insurmountable mountain after 57 years of marriage. There was also joy in catching up with my cousins on this side of the family. They also filled many of the memories of my early growing years. Visiting with them and their families was wonderful.

I called mom everyday I was gone. I tried to keep connected during the days when she would have no visitors.

But when I saw her on Sunday she appeared somewhat down and a bit restless. Maybe the understanding of her brother-in-laws death had finally been absorbed. Maybe she is struggling with the facts of her limitations. But her desire to just "go home" seems to be growing. It is hard to make her understand that she can't just be released ... that she has to be able to do some simple things - like getting out of chair unassisted and walking with a walker unassisted.

It is like saying I want to be able to run 5 miles this afternoon ... without doing the necessary months of work necessary to achieve that goal. I wonder if she would understand that analogy.

She completed 2 weeks of rehab and her doctor said probably 4 to 6 weeks were necessary. It is going to be a very long 4 to 6 weeks, I fear.

So I am back home and back to daily visits with mom. Blogging time continues to be hard to snatch.

I'll be back but it is hard to know when.

Briefly ...

Rehab for mom is going as well as can be expected. I am happy with the place and mom is happy with the place but she would be happier home. She is still in a wheel chair, but I can tell she is getting stronger.

My days this week seem to be mostly on the road. Now in addition to my other normal trips, I include a 2-3 hour visit with mom. The trip out to her rehab is lovely, but it take 20-25 minutes each way. Last week I visited mom every day, making sure her adjustment was going smoothly. This week I planned to visit it most days - but skip one or two.

That was what I planned. But come the end of the week I will miss seeing her for 3 days in a row.

I got a call this morning that my Uncle (my most favorite Uncle) had died in Florida. Today has been very hard. I couldn't seem to restrain my tears. So many fond memories from my youth of visits to my Aunt and Uncle's house flooded my brain today. And with each memory, tears of sorrow at his passing.

This Uncle was married to my mom's sister. They would have celebrated 57 years of marriage tomorrow! So much sadness.

The viewing is in Florida at the end of the week. Since mom is safely housed in rehab, my sister and I will travel to Florida for the viewing.

So the week has been hard on a few levels. I am bone tired and emotionally drained.

I hope this thunder cloud that persists in following me this year passes on soon.

I just need a break.

***

Blogging will be sparse for awhile. Time has suddenly become pretty tight this week.

Bracing Myself

Mom is already (after only 2 days in rehab)

trying to predict when she can come home.

She has determined that next weekend should be good.

Still wheel chair bound, she seems totally blind to her physical limitations

and the challenge this home presents to someone in a wheel chair.

Suggestions and reminders that her stay will be longer

seem to fall in deaf ears.

I am bracing myself for the depression, the anger, the disappointment.

Even though she is not in my home now,

she fills my brain with worry.

This will be a very difficult period.

Through My Care Giver Eyes - Resilience

Yesterday mom was admitted to Sub Acute Rehab to recover from the fall she took last week.

Once again we crossed the threshold of that wonderful nursing facility that we visited about 10 months ago.

I couldn't help but compare the two visits.

In December 2010 mom and I were both new-bees to the rehab experience. We didn't know what to expect and what would be required. We were both tired and anxious that month. Mom had been pretty sick and was very weak. Neither of us was standing tall on that first visit. Thankfully we landed in a wonderful community that propped us up and got us back on track - health wise! And I learned a lot about what high quality rehab care was all about.

Now, 10 months later, as we returned, we were different people. Yes, we were both bone weary from the last week at home. Mom is not sick but she is injured ... and desperately weak again. But this time we were greeted by many familiar faces who welcomed us back. It felt comfortable. The first day procedures were the same. We were walking a familiar path. There was also a sense that we will once again climb ourselves out of the current hole we fell into and come out the other side at a "new normal."

Always a "new normal."

Always less than before.

It gave me comfort to see mom adjust so fast to this new but not new environment. She had been anxious the days leading up to this admission. No amount of talk could settled her mind. She didn't remember her last experiences. This was "new" to her brain and she was scared. But as the day rolled on she remembered. The staff was open and welcoming. She had exactly the same room as before. She ate her meals with gusto (I think she has gotten tired of my cooking. Me, too!). And when the time came for me to leave, she appeared at peace with it. She said her normal goodbyes and I almost felt dismissed.

The elderly can be surprisingly resilient.

And I am different too. I know her rehabilitation is required. I can't do this at home. She must stay as long as it takes to get her moving again. There will be no early discharge like the last time. Elderly issues can't be rushed. Health and strength are not regained over night. And my presence at rehab, while great as a visiting daughter, doesn't have to be 24/7. She is in good hands.

Returning home, the house seemed empty. Too quiet. I already missed her and it had only been 8 hours since she left. But I have a long list of things I need to do while she is gone. I'll keep busy. I will visit her often.

And I need to recover a bit myself.

Thankfully, I am resilient as well.

Retired Knitter

Care Giver and Daughter

Through My Care Giver Eyes - One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Just a short update

Forward and Back

Backward - she fell

Forward - she appeared OK initially

Backward - she wasn't OK - and getting worse steadily

Forward - x-ray was negative - no breaks or fractures

Forward - no emergency room or hospital stay

Backward - unable to rise from chair or walk without pain - needs constant monitoring

Backward - almost fell in the middle of the night from her bed

Backward - hurt my back - not badly but makes it hard to assist her with the lifting stuff

Forward - decision made - she must go back into sub acute rehab

Backward - I am now sleeping on the floor outside her room at night

Forward - busy weekend with company - she was happy

Backward - she never leaves her chair except to go to the bathroom or to go to bed

Backward - getting weaker by the moment - you can see it happening each day

Forward - got her into my first choice rehab facility into a private room- a Cadillac of an institution

Backward - must wait 4 days before she can be admitted - room available then

Backward - must limp along as we are doing now for 4 days

Backward - she is sad because she has to leave the house

Backward - her pain continues, her weakness grows visibly every day

Backward - my back continues to stiffen

Backward - must miss my knitting group today - small backward step really compared to all we are dealing with ... but they keep me from total isolation ... they are my sanity group ... they are meeting right this minute and I am now sad because I am not there.

Backward - two more nights of sleeping on the floor - hope my back holds out

Backward - it is now 9:40 am and she is still in bed - will she be bed ridden by Thursday? is she depressed?

The trends are definitely downward.

But the die is cast.

She must go into rehab so we can all take back our lives.

Forward - I am resolute! This is the right step to take. What will be, will be. I will change this downward trend even if it is by force of my will alone!

I will.