Discouraging Truth

Knee pain, its limitations, and the anticipation of a year to fix this broken part of myself  (setting aside the fact a start date on that year-long fix has yet to be determined) .... well, heck, it is a tough pill to swallow for me.  

My health was pretty good until I hit 75.  I guess I should be grateful for that.  I had my ups and downs but it has always been a fix-it fast kind of thing and move-on.  Cataracts in those eyeballs?  There is a fix for that.  Get new lenses and in 24 hours see as good as the day I was born.  Gallbladder making me sick?  Cut that sucker out. The body can go on just fine with just a few diet modifications.  Kidney tumor camping out in my body?  Get that invader out along with the traitor kidney that harbored it.  After all I have a spare!  Seriously, it has been like that most of my life.

Don’t you think, however, that all my other body parts would notice what happens if it step "outside the box” and make waves in my health??  Clearly someone wasn’t paying attention.

This knee. While I do have “a spare” knee, we aren’t designed to walk just on one leg. And right now I am walking on “6 legs” (my 2 and the walker’s 4.)

I think I finally might have hit a wall on body parts that can be separated from me with little to no impact.  

And . I . Hate . It !!

At the same time, I hate that reaction.  After all, this isn’t cancer or organ failure.  This is not a life ending disease or the total loss of all my worldly belongings due to a disaster.  And while there isn’t a fix for that small cushioning tissue in my knee - there IS a fix!  Replace the whole knee.  

Regardless, I can’t help being upset that a small cushioning tissue inside my knee - the meniscus - something smaller than a small McDonald’s beef patty (don’t ask how I know this)  - as well as a few other even smaller connective tissues have totally and completely failed beyond a surgeon’s ability to fix it ... and the result is a year long struggle to grab back knee function with a new rookie knee. It just seems unfair.

What is totally fair and discouraging - this whole post demonstrates a significant failing in my personality.  While I can have complete and total compassion and dedication to others dealing with serious life changing health issues, I am pretty brutal in dealing with less serious failings in my own body!!  I should be grateful that medical science has a a fix to offer.  For heaven’s sake - this isn’t even a “new” fix ... they have been doing this surgery for decades!!!!

Well, the simple discouraging truth is this.  

I have bemoaned the fact that I need to exercise and take good care of myself to be normal.  Now to be normal I need a surgical intervention.  I am not ready to be this much of a patient, or an old woman with a worn out “something,” or a person who is clearly perceived to need help. When I look in the mirror, that is not who I see.  Even though in that reflection I also see my walker, pain patches, ace wraps, ice packs, Tylenol - (none of which really mask the pain - darn it) ... that image is not me.  The reflection lies.

What doesn’t show in the mirror is the pain!   I guess it is me after all.  

I am scheduled to start those gel injections on June 9th.  I am hoping to shed all those "reflection lies" for a while.  Gel injections are not a “fix” - just a bandaid, but I'll take it.  If they work, I can pretend with the best that I am once again my nibble self.  That I can walk on only 2 legs just like everybody else.  That I am me when I look in the mirror.

And when the time is right for me and my husband, I’ll get that rookie knee put in and be grateful for it - even if it takes a year of fighting it into submission to function normal like discarded knee before it got broken.  I’ll dig up some gratitude at the same time.  I’ll dig deep and I’ll find it.  

That is a promise.

PS

Listen up other body parts...especially those that are thinking of going rogue in the future.

 Pay attention on surgery day.   I know this doctor with a saw and a drill!!  

You and I can part ways.

😄

 

Who is this person?

Hello All,

Once again I have let things slide in the blogging department.  Sorry.  It seems to be the story of my life now.  The reality is that dealing with limiting health issues both for myself and my husband have become a full time activity. And this “activity” - while it is voluntary and necessary - is just emotionally and physically exhausting sometimes.  It is definitely worrisome.  It seems like every step forward is accompanied by 2 steps back.  And at 78 years of age, backward steps are not always recovered, no matter how much desire you have.  Some may argue this is not true, but the stark reality is that our older bodies simply don’t have the building blocks to fully recover all that is lost.  It is just a fact of nature.  We are not “designed" to be fully functional forever.

In March I was hopeful that I had a reprieve - at least a window of time when I could be “normal” again. But normal for me is a very low bar these days.  While I have a few conditions related to low kidney function, being able to walk around my condo without a cane or a walker was the “normal” I was seeking.  I was “normal” for about 3 weeks.  

Sadly my right knee pain that has become self absorbing.  Pain is triggered by weight bearing activities.  It is mostly an inflammatory condition - that is mostly helped by non-invasive measures such as icing and ace wrapping, sometimes pain patches and anti-inflammatory gels, and arthritis level Tylenol.  But relief is fleeting - never for longer than about 15 minutes ... when normal movement overpowers all the good from my non-invasive measures.  I feel like if I could just take anti-inflammatories - life would be tolerable.  I have come to accept knee replacement is necessary if I want to recover any of my previous life.  After seeing the pictures inside my knee from my Arthroscopy, I know this condition won’t just heal itself.  Those tissues looked like raw ground beef - not like a normal smooth white meniscus.

I am, however, holding up my surgery for 6-8 months.  My husband has further testing and maybe further treatment (a surgery) for his esophageal cancer.  We can’t both be patients at the same time.  I will not put that burden on my children.  In the meantime, my ortho doc has ordered Hyaluronic Acid Knee Injections (called gel shots) and my insurance has approved this treatment.  While these “gel” shots are not an immediate fix, they have a high improvement rate over time.  And time is what I need.  The gel shots have been approved for a year.

Meanwhile I am mostly fighting with situational depression - my enthusiasms in life activities are pretty low.  My main “bandaid” for moodiness is walking - which I can’t do.  I have continued my leg exercises so that I am as strong as I can be.  But I hit a really low point when I could not participate in Maryland Sheep and Wool with my family.  I made it to the fair grounds ok, and I have a handicapped parking lanyard (due to my husband), but the walk from the parking lot into the fair grounds was tough.  I did meet up briefly with family, but they had agendas further than I could go, and I knew I couldn’t keep up, so we parted.  I arrived at the fair at 8:30 am and left at 9:30 am!  I saw some vendors, but my heart wasn’t in it.  My knee was so painful I thought it might buckle - which it had done once before.  I thought it best to leave and not test fate.  I was alone and had only a cane with me.  If the knee buckled,  I would not be able to make it back to the car.  Driving away from the fair grounds was the lowest I felt in years.  And stupid me - I didn’t have tissues in the car.

It took me a few days to recover from that event.

In hindsight, I think the fair was the beginning of this current pattern of pain.  I probably further injured the tissues.  

So I am in a "hold and wait" pattern right now.  I find that days spent at home with no plans or appointments are far more welcome than I care to admit.  It is like the safety of my “cocoon” is what I desire - because it is less painful and safer.   However, as we age, nothing ages us faster than inactivity and social isolation.  And yet, that is what I crave right now.  

Sometimes I feel like I am stepping outside my body and seeing this person I do not recognize.

I am hoping at a bare minimum - that these gel shots give me back just one thing - the ability to take a walk outside like a normal person, and not worry about pain or loss of function.

No promises on when I will be back here - but I will be back!  Somehow it helps me sort out all the things that are piling up in my brain if I put it into words on the blog.  I guess it is sort of like saying it out loud to a therapist ... and like a good therapist, it doesn’t give you solutions - it helps YOU to find your own solutions.

Arthroscopic knee “repair”

Hello all.  I have been meaning to sit down and blog an update but the days are full and the energy is low.

My Right Knee

I had a surgical procedure of my right knee meniscus on February 20.  The procedure went very well.  I was able to walk on it right away - of course, they use nerve blocks to mask the pain and the blocks last anywhere from 10-18 hours or so.  But even once it wore off, I thought there was a big improvement.  It wasn’t 100% perfect but the improvement in the knee was evident. 

But what was really unbelievable was the impact on the rest of my body.  

Although the surgery was on the right knee, my left knee was also having problems and on some days it was as bad as the right knee.  After the surgery - no pain in my left knee.  And as of today - two weeks post surgery - my left knee is still symptom free!

And then there is my lower back.  I have significant arthritis in my lower back - enough that I have received 2 treatments of steroid injections to relieve the pain.  Remember, I have low kidney function due to a kidney surgery in 2023 - and I can’t take most pain relief drugs because of that.  So steroid injections are my go-to.  After this surgery - no more back pain!

So what accounts for the improvements in the non-surgical areas!  Well I have been limping for at least a year and using a cane for the last 8-10 months.  Apparently my alignment was so out of wack that I was causing myself more problems.

Bottom line: I should have done this sooner.

All of that is the good news.

The bad news is that I will need a knee replacement at some point in the future in that right knee.  I guess the damage that he cleaned out was considerable - and that cushioning between the bones is much reduced increasing my risks for knee replacement.  I really didn’t want to hear that.  

But for now I am off my cane.  I am walking like a normal person.  I am back to doing my leg exercises and will return to the gym on Friday.  Walks for exercise right now are tough.  It does aggravate the right knee some and I am loath to push my luck (it has only been 2 weeks!).  

I have two goals right now.  

• Right now I am taking very short walks.  I have no energy - so improving my stamina is #1. 
• Number #2 - improve my balance.  Apparently if you walk on “three legs” (a cane and 2 legs) long enough, your balance degrades.  If I can’t make improvements on my own, I’ll go back into PT.

For now I am happy with the improvements even if they didn’t make “everything like new.”  I am focused on whatever I can do to avoid knee replacement surgery - but if the right knee side-lines me enough, I guess I will be forced to do it.

Focusing on the positive for now!

My Ostrich Rendition

I really had positive expectations for 2025!  I really, really did!

After all, 2023 was my year - the year of the kidney and tumor surgery and all that trickled down from that medical event.  And 2024 was my husband’s year  - the year of the Esophageal Cancer diagnosis and the side effects of those treatments.  And both of those events have continued to impact the current year in one way or another it seems.

My husband had a follow up with his oncologist this week.  The PET scan from December still showed a small area of swelling or uptake of the nuclear infusion at the site of the cancer.  The doctor has ordered a second PET scan for the end of March.  It is possible that this swelling is still part of the healing process.  But it could also mean that the cancer remains.  We won’t know until the end of March.  His blood work has also not returned to its normal status yet.  That may also take time to sort out.  If the swelling remains at the next PET scan, the next step is an EGD to view the swelling up close and take biopsies of the area in question - to determine definitively if it is cancer.  If it is, the next step is surgery.  It is rather a difficult surgery as they cut out the portion of the esophagus with the cancer and “attempt” to reconnect the esophagus to the stomach.  Literally that is what the oncologist said.  Attempt.  Although I knew all of this from my own research - including the surviablity statistics from this kind of cancer, it is hard to accept.  While I have a positive outlook most of the time, I couldn’t help feeling pretty depressed by this news.  The odds are not in his favor with this cancer.  But I keep reminding myself that the odds were against me as well with the kidney and tumor removal in 2023 - 90% chance the tumor was cancer - and it wasn’t!  I can’t help the feeling we are just putting one foot in front of the other as we walk through this cancerous condition - hoping for the best on the other side. 

My own contribution to the train wreck that 2025 is building up to be is my right knee.  I saw the ortho guy last week.  He said I was an "ideal candidate" for an arthroscopy because I have “plenty of room” in my knee to make that repair if it is a meniscus tear causing the pain.  He ordered an MRI.  That test was completed, and beyond the normal degenerative changes found in a 77 year old knee,  the MRI found multiple complex tears in the medial meniscus.  hmmm ... I was expecting the meniscus tear (single) - but not 'multiple complex tears' (plural.). I will be back in ortho again in a week to see what his recommendations are.  My goal is to have any surgical recommendations done asap, so that I am healed enough to support my husband should he need surgery.  Having been through a meniscus repair before in 2017 - I have some idea of the recovery time line.  But the diagnosis of multiple tears is worrisome. Regardless, I have my mind set to fix this knee whatever it takes.  I want to be able to take a 30 minute walk outside without a cane - like normal people, and be able to climb stairs again like normal people.  

So,  2025!  I am trying not to cross any bridges before we get there. But the "writing on the wall” for both these conditions isn’t hard to read.  I suspect when all is said and done, I will be glad to see 2025 gone - just like 2023 and 2024! Or if luck holds - maybe 2025 will clean up the mess that 2023 and 2024 left behind.  Not sure we have THAT much luck left to us.

Already - I am welcoming 2026!

(not a good thing when it is only February!!)  

I think I will focus only on the next month for now ... We are both in a holding patterning for the time being.  I will enjoy my favorite season of the year - winter.  Participate in my favorite hobby - knitting - having signed up for my first MKAL (Mystery Knit-a-Long). Binge watch my favorite TV shows - currently Bones - which has a ton of seasons! And enjoy my favorite books - currently Gravewater Lake: A Thriller by A. M. Strong. Keep my ear buds in my ears while my husband watches the news of Trump dismantling our government.  Basically do my rendition of an Ostrich with his head in the sand!  

This is the year for that I believe.

Too crazy not the share ...

I know you are thinking ... OMG, hope she is alright!!!  Posting the very next day.  Something must be wrong.

Nothing wrong ... just had to share. Remember the Boxy Boyfriend Sweater that I indicated might abandon?  

Well, it got unraveled last night. 

As crazy as this sounds, the difference in dye lots showing in the picture were not as evident in person, but they still were there if you looked for them.  But I am happy to save this yarn and just be aware of shading changes so I can alternate hanks and disguise shading differences.  I also had misgivings about the pattern. It wasn’t well written and it was designed as a "one size fits all" - which it wasn’t.  

So after publishing the previous post, I set about dismantling this project - balling up the yarn for another project yet to be determined.  Even as I was pulling out the knitting, I couldn't tell when it switched to a different shade.  But the change in shades happened within a hank.  I have never seen that before.

After the yarn was totally recovered I set about looking for a replacement pattern. I wanted a vest. When I saw this one, Aiko Cape by Katrine Hannibal of Online I knew it was the one I wanted. While I am not much a color knitter, I love knit stitch patterns. The pattern seems to be a cross between a vest and a cape.  Views from the back looked very much like a cape.  It is appealing design and something I would use a lot.

 

I did my due diligence.  I checked all the stats - they matched what I had supply-wise.  I checked comments and finished projects.  It was a design that seemed to look good on all body types.  It looked like it was part of a KAL in 2019 - so not so old a pattern. There may be some online assistance if needed - but it is just a vest - how hard can it be?

I purchased the pattern and downloaded it!

ALL 29 PAGES OF IT!

Yes, 29 pages in total. I was stunned!  Never had I gotten this small a project with this many pages of instructions!

I started to look for a reason for so many pages.  This is a Danish designer.  So maybe there are differences in formatting and level of instructions that are significantly different from US instructions.  

I quickly skimmed the pages.  The first 15 pages are the pattern instructions.   The last 14 pages are abbreviations, diagrams, tables and techniques.  I wasn’t sure if those 14 pages made me feel better or worse.  If a knitter needs that much hand holding to complete the project - this probably calls for experienced hands.  Very experienced hands.  My hands are more intermediate.  And lately I would describe my brain as an Experienced Beginner.  

No doubt - the project will be stretch for me. But I like this so much I am willing to try.

But not today.  Want to finish some other projects first.

Knitting - Were I am now and Were I am heading

After almost a year of hardly knitting,

 it feels good to be back on the ‘always knitting’ wagon. 

I thought I would summarize my current knitting plans as well as projects in my queue, and then periodically check back this year ... and document what progress has been made.  Hopefully having this list will discourage random additions.   

In addition I am seriously considering using an excel worksheet to document all my yarn at present.  The last time I did an inventory I probably had double what I own now.  Much of it was given away because I had just lost interest in them. What is left is loved and a list would be helpful when I see a pattern I like.  If I don’t have the yarn in stash for it - no point buying extra patterns - that at some point would force me to acquire more yarn. But the inventory would take time away from actually knitting.  And progress is my goal this year. Still the lure of having a completed inventory still beckons me.

My current WIPs are: (% complete a guesstimate.)

Mosaic crochet blanket, The Queen by Tina - 15% complete   link I don’t need another blanket, but I love this technique and the pattern. I should be further along than my current 18” inches, but crocheting makes my hands hurt worse than knitting.  Still, this is on my radar to finish. The picture shows the front side and the back side.

Einstein Coat - 30% complete Link I started this project with my knitting group.  God knows,  I don’t need another knitted coat, but I love the pattern and I have the yarn and it is started.  The yarn is a combination of 2 yarns that I believe together are prettier than either separately.  I definitely will finish this.

The Boxy BoyFriend Sweater by Aisling Yarns -  70% complete  The yarn is Cozy Color Work in Speckled Pecan.  The picture does not do this yarn justice.  It is beautiful yarn, but I am on the fence about finishing this project.  My problem is two fold: it is a one size fits all - which it doesn’t, and it appears I have a dye lot problem I didn’t notice until I took the pictures. It is not as dramatic in person  but it is obvious. I hate the idea of pulling out all that work - but if it is going to bother me after it is made - I should cut my losses and find another pattern.

Set Sail Shawl by Erin Johnson - 20% complete  Link by Erin Johnson using Plymouth Select Worsted Superwash Merino Yarn - kettle dyed.  I don’t need another shawl, but this one is designed for wearing in the house - and for warmth. It is mindless and good for TV watching and time in knitting group.

Satie Lace Shawl by Dee O’keefe - 20% complete -  Link using Classic Elite Yarns’ Waterlily also kettle dyed but not as obvious as the Plymouth Select in the previous project.  Ditto - being made for home use and for warmth (and to make a dent in that Waterlily yarn that I have so much of.) Also a mindless project, this shawl is not terribly impressive unblocked, but once blocked I suspect I will love this shawl.

High in the queue but not started are the following but this list can easily change:

Shawl Andromeda by Birget Freyer Link by Birget Freyer - using a Gradient 60% superfine merino / 40% silk lace weight yarn - purchased at the Alpaca Fair last year.  This yarn is so yummy. Actually the yarn came with a different pattern and matching beads, and I decided I like this pattern better.  But, yes, another shawl!!  Whatever was I thinking when I bought it the past November.

Stolen Stitches Dacite Sweater by Carol Feller   Link by Carol Feller out of Ireland - using Classic Elite Yarns’ Waterlily.  I fell in love with the sweater the moment I saw it.  It has been a long time since I knitted a sweater for myself.  Looking forward to this project very much.  Classic Elite in Waterlily will also be used for this (yes, I have THAT MUCH Waterlily.)

Rhaegal’s Wing Shawl by Jennifer Ansara Link by Jennifer Ansara of Fireworks using Shimmy Yarn, 100% Superwash Merino. This is MDSW purchase from 2024.  It was the last stall we visited.  I had made it all the way through the fair without purchasing yarn!  But I didn’t leave the fair without falling into a trap.  The yarn is fun and I have some plans to use some beautiful fiber locks in colors that match the yarn mixed into the knitting..  

A new project grabbed my attention while creating this post.

The Temperature Blanket  Link Have you ever heard of this?  It is new to me. Although I linked you to a paid pattern, you can easily find free instructions on Ravelry or YouTube. I discovered the pattern on a fellow bloggers site. Karen of Life is Good  Link was recently introduced to this blanket. This is a simple stitch stripe blanket (stitch is your choice) with each color representing a specific high temperature (or low temp or medium temp) for each day of the year - with 365 rows or stripes.   I immediately thought it was a cool idea but tabled it for myself because of my numerous WIPs and projects in queue.  Then I remembered my enormous supply (56 skeins - at 220 yards each or 12,320 yards) of brillantly colored Pima Cotton that I purchased eons ago and have not used.  Since it was only mid-January I was not too far behind.  I went out to the web and gathered the high daily temps for the January so far.  I joined a Facebook group for this pattern.  I printed out a few beautiful blankets on Ravelry as examples.  I took pictures of the yarn I could to use.  I discovered you only need 10 colors - I have 11.  Yeah!!  But then a little voice in my head that I can’t seem to ditch, wondered if the colors transitioned the way I wanted them to - and should I purchase better transition colors ... just maybe a few skeins! Right! More skeins added to the 56 I already have. (I am sure you see my problem.)

(SEE HOW EASILY DISTRACTED I CAN BE!) 

Still more ... YouTube has various video logs on this blanket as well.  I was kind of surprised at the volume of offerings considering just how simple an idea this is.  But there are all sorts of variations on this and it is fun to check them all out.  I discovered that you can pick any year you want and make that blanket just by looking up weather stats on line.  So who cares if I am getting behind on this year!  Will I do this?  Only time will tell, but it seriously is an ideal, mindless, yarn eating choice for someone like me who has the desire to use up yarn inventory. 

Some of this post is driven by my hands!  In the last few months arthritis in my hands has become an issue. It is developing way faster than the arthritis in my back and knees.  Scary fast I would say.  I remember my mom’s hands.  They were swollen and painful with arthritis.  When she lived with me, I tried to get her interested in knitting and/or crocheting.  She was a knitter earlier in life.  She wanted to do it but her hands would freeze up and she couldn’t manipulate the hook or the needles.  She couldn’t even let go of the tools without help.  She was in her 80s at that time.  I can’t help but worry the clock is clicking on my hands.  How long will they work for this dearly loved hobby.  

So this year - I am all about the progress!!  It is one thing to give away yarn I felt luke warm about - that was easy.  It is entirely another thing to give away yarn you dearly love but can't use any more.  Heartbreaking.

Books for 2025 - A Preview

I decided to provide a Preview of my 2025 reading list. 

 The next time you see this list - it will be at the end of the year.

At the beginning of this year I saw a book list on a blog that I follow - 5 Acres and a Dream.  This was the first time I encountered a blogger’s book list. Leigh’s 2024 books list was HUGE.  Suddenly I wondered about my own reading stats.

And my list for 2025 was born.  Initially it was only going to be Title and Author like Leigh’s list  Then, because I couldn't leave well enough alone, I thought I could put a number rating to help me remember the quality of the author’s work in my estimation.  I wanted some indication of my impressions - without a wordy review. 

A few observations about my ‘reading’ list.  

• My Kindle Reader is filled with escapism stories like devestating national or global events - apocalypse, zombies, EMPs - you get the idea. These are mostly free Kindle Unlimited Offerings by authors who are independent and building a following.  I read these before bed, while I eat, while waiting for appointments and during quiet times at home.
• Actual books are mostly non-fiction.  These are book I want to keep and refer back to. This list is small.
• Audible books are a mix of escapism, best sellers, biographies, history, thrillers, etc.  I enjoy these books while cleaning, cooking, driving and crafting.
• If you don’t see a number after an author’s name, that means I am currently reading it.
• I love long books so finding an author that provides 9 or 10 books that follow the same characters is ideal for me.  You will notice that some books in January are continuations from my 2024 reading. 
• I have no problem having 2 of any of these options going at the same time.

I am mostly an Audible and Kindle reader and began this practice about 20 years ago when my husband was going blind and he trying to find audio past times.  With Voice Over on his iPad, he can listen the Kindle books.  I began 2025 with 258 unread book titles in my Audible Reading List. Yes, 258!  That number was actually in the 300s and I did a reorg and declutter of those electronic books.  How did I have that many titles you may wonder.  I think the only explanation I can offer is that I can buy faster than I can read!  (This is true also of yarn and knitting. 😂 )

The numbers ratings are:

(1) - Just awful, not my type of book, didn’t finish

(2) - Disappointing. Finished it for the end of the story but will not follow the author

(3) - Just Ok. Enjoyed but will not follow the author

(4) - Very good.  Enjoyable.  Fun. Informative. Will definitely read other books by this author

(5) - Exceptional.  Can’t wait for the next book.  Will haunt this author’s works going forward

*********** 

THE 2025 LIST

Paper Books

Thriving Beyond Fifty - Will Harlow Mac, MCSP, Cert. MA - this is 422 pages long and will take most of the year, I follow him on his YouTube station and he is excellent.  So far this book is also excellent..

Audio Books

Glock Grannies: Cozy Mystery, Book 1 - Shannon VanBergen - (2)

Baskets and Beignets: Miss Fortune Mysteries, Book 27 - Jana Deleon  (4)

The Naturalist - Andrew Mayne (1)

Night Watch - Jayne Anne Phillips (1)

The President’s Daughter - James Patterson and Bill Clinton

Kindle Books

Chaos Gains: A Post-Apocalyptic Survival Thriller, Book 5 - Harley Tate - (4)

Chaos Evolves: A Post-Apocalyptic Survival Thriller, Book 6 - Harley Tate - (4)

Hope Sparks: A Post-Apocalyptic Survival Thriller, Book 7 - Harley Tate - (5)

Hope Stumbles: A Post-Apocalyptic Survival Thriller, Book 8 - Harley Tate - (5)

Hope Survives: A Post-Apocalyptic Survival thriller, Book 9 - Harley Tate