If you could have one material wish
(no wishing for world peace here ... )
what would you wish for?
That was the question posed by a blogging friend called Paula at Smidgens, Snippets and Bits. That question seemed to resonate like a huge gong in my brain.
And it made me instantly sad and pensive about life.
My one wish is as impossible as world peace. My husband has a degenerative eye condition that over the last 10 years has robbed him of his vision. Today he is legally blind and at some point in the future, he will be totally blind. His condition has no cure!
My wish would be sight for my husband.
In fact, if it was medically possible (it isn't) - I would happily give him one of my eyes.
While this statement sounds self sacrificing on my part - it is not! It is the fatiguing result of watching too much loss around me.
I spent the last 8 years watching my mom slowly lose all parts of a life she had independently built up ... lost through age and dementia ... until finally she was left with only her daughters standing by her beside waiting for the end. She did not even have the comfort of knowing we were there. Total and complete loss.
Now I watch my husband slowly shed a life time of cherished hobbies. First to go was some of his independence - no driving. Then his substantial library of books, followed by his enormous American Stamp Collection, and now on the chopping block is his beautiful and valuable toy soldier collection. TV is now mostly a radio show for him. Even pouring a cup of coffee without spilling it has become a challenge.
The gift of one of my eyes would be a small sacrifice to make to improve his life.
But wishing is a waste of time.
How easy it is to focus on all the troublesome problems in life. If problems go on for years and years, it becomes a habit to view life through the lens of loss.
This year - the first year of my mom's passing and the first year of increasing disability in my husband - I have allowed my emotions and point of view to settle on what is missing - what is lacking - on loss! It has sapped my energies. Fatigue best describes my internal mental state.
I need to change the lens I am looking through!
So I am pushing myself right now instead of wishing.
- Organization. The Bullet Journal has been helpful in putting some control back in my hands.
- Gratitude. I need to write down all the positives - they are many. Bullet Journal - make room.
- Adult Coloring! Yes, coloring for grown ups - and I am not talking about porn coloring books! I didn't need a new hobby but apparently I have one. Coloring is apparently a new (old?) hobby - one most likely relegated to children in the minds of many. But now it has become quite the adult past time to help reduce stress and increase relaxation. Who knew? I have new coloring books, new color pencils and I am off and running - well, off and coloring at least. Maybe I will post a picture or two.
- Legos - opps! See a theme here? I will blog more on that later.
- Knitting - nothing replaces the satisfaction I get from knitting.
- Walking ... enough said.
I have lost patience with poor fatigued me! Working on a different description.
How about you?