O.M.G The Energy It Takes

I seriously underestimated how fatiguing this cancer journey would be.  After all, I have done this thing called caregiving many times for other relatives.  I even had an 8 year experience that lasted right to my mother’s last breath.  I prepared my personal life and sorted out most of the known challenges we were told to expect.  

So, yeah!  I got this!!!

Imagine my surprise ... I don’t “got this!!”

And that is partly why I haven’t been blogging in the last few weeks.   Getting caught off guard is not my favorite position.

To start, (and most importantly) my husband’s status at this point is good.  He has completed 7 radiation treatments and 2 chemotherapy treatments thus far.  Other than one extended period of re-current hiccups (which is, in fact, a cancer treatment “thing”) that was quickly dispatched with muscle relaxants - and one rather minor chemo reaction during his first session - he has been symptom free.  The possible symptoms for both radiation and chemo, however, are several pages in length, so we are watchful.  And, by the way, hiccups were not on any of their symptom lists - but it was confirmed as a valid symptom when we talked to the doctor-on-call.  Regardless, we are in early days on this treatment, and we know more things are in our future.  Exactly what those “things” are, are yet to be discovered.  I am trying not to cross any bridges before we get there.  

My own fatigue during these early days came as a surprise to me.  Looking back I realize that I overlooked a few obvious things. 

I was a younger caregiver the last time I did this.  I was also in better health.  Being past the age 75 by a few years and having several health issues myself - caregiving is a much harder job than I remember.  And then there is the spouse issue.  I took care of one grandmother and 2 mothers as they aged - with the knowledge that we were not heading back to a healthier or younger life - just a more comfortable and supported one, as their own life came to a natural end.  A husband with a cancer that could/might kill him is an entirely different situation.  Yes, we are both older and our own “natural end" is nearer to us than it was 25 years ago.  BUT, I am not ready to have either of us take that step out of this life!  We are not done being retired together!!  This is not negotiable!! (Yes, those words, ’not negotiable’, popped into my head as I watched him have a reaction to his first chemotherapy!)  The nursing staff was excellent - they got it under control right away - and continued the therapy which he completed with no other problems.  

But this isn’t the "slam dunk" that I armored myself with as we started down this path in August. 

There is a low rumble of stress that runs underneath the surface of our lives now.   I try to keep my worries to myself.   He needs competent and positive support.  We will attempt to conquer any obstacles that come our way - one step at a time!   Attitude plays a very very important part in cancer healing. He is not doing this alone.

But, O.M.G - the energy it takes, and we aren’t even in the hard part yet.  Radiation and chemo both continue until October 21st.  The side effects can last for months after treatment ends.  And the reality is that the “cure” rates are not terribly high for this type of cancer at the 5 year benchmark.  I don’t know how much research my husband has done on his own, but I have done a lot - and take it from me - “not knowing” sometimes is better than “knowing.”  

Anyway, now that I have dumped all my thoughts into this blog post - maybe I will be able to find a small bit of peace.  Carrying all this crap around in my head has done me no favors.  And it is the beginning of the weekend!  No treatments on Saturday or Sunday. We both kind of laughed as we left the infusion center at the idea that we were looking forward to an open weekend.  Since retiring many years ago, weekends kind of lost their luster when every weekday was the same as the weekend!