Frosty February

So here we are all in February.  Another wintery - and probably snowy - month.

Goals are the focus for me this month.

I am going to announce them here - so I have some way of checking back and comparing my results at the end of the month.

Here we go:

• Finish one of my jumbo knitting projects. I have three on the needles, but right now it looks like the finish-it project will be my daughter's shawl.  (a hard one) 
• Beat my January step average in February. (an easy one)
• Complete my exercise routine 4 times a week average. (should be do-able)
• Clean out my bedroom and upstairs hall closets. (Only God knows what is in them.)
• Blog at least one more time before the end of the month. (should be easy but ... famous last words)

That should do it for goals.  

February is a pretty significant month for two other reasons.  

The Winter Olympics start on February 8.  Yeah!!  I am a huge fan of the Olympics - especially the Winter Olympics.  And I am really excited about the venue - Russia.   I'll be spending a lot of knitting time watching the athletes of the world compete.  I hope the US does well, but really, it is all about excellence - human excellence - and I am totally human, so I am ready to cheer them all.   Just hoping we can have a safe event.

This month mom turns 88 years old on February 6.  It always stuns me when I think over the last 10 years.  I started worrying about how she was doing when she was 78.  She took 2 years to make any decisions about living arrangements.  At 80 she moved in with me.  When she was 2 months shy of 86 she moved into Assisted Living.  Now at 88 years old we have been on this rocky journey together for 10 years.  Ten whole years.  That is a big chunk of both our lives.  Mom has changed greatly during these years and surprisingly so have I.  Neither one of us has changed for the best I fear.  But I celebrate her upcoming birthday.  I wish it was a more active and healthy time for her, but long life is still a gift - no matter how it looks.

That is my February.

We are in the grips of Winter.  Even though I love love love winter, I am beginning to appreciate the values of spring a little better!  :-)  (Wow, I never thought I would say those words!)

So what does your February look like?

January fleeting

My gosh!  January is over.  I wrote this post 2 days ago hoping to get pictures attached.  Then January just slipped way - all because I waited for pictures.

I am posting without pictures!

I haven't been idle.  Here is a fast update.

My new guest room and yarn room and husband den!
With the departure of my son and daughter-in-law in October, once again I was left with a town house that is too large for our personal needs.  And then I got to thinking.

"Self ... you aren't moving somewhere else because living here is cheaper than anywhere else."

"Self ... you always wanted a guest room where the beds were ever-ready for guests.  Why not do that now?"

"Self ... you are outgrowing your current yarn / craft space (because you can't seem to stop buying collecting yarn and fiber tools.  But you didn't hear me say that out loud.)  Maybe it is time to fix that."

"Self ... your husband needs to have his own space - his own den - because his wife is becoming less of a sharer as she get older."  (someday insert a grumpy picture here of an aging grumpy woman - maybe even my picture. LOL)

"Self ... you have the space now to spread out and get what you want.  What are you waiting for?"

"Self ... you aren't getting any younger and before you know it these stupid stairs will become a barrier for you and you will be forced to move.  Stop wasting time."

"SO Self ... stop talking and get busy."

And that is exactly what I did.  Here are the pictures to prove it.

(Ha!  My space saver for pictures!!  No pics!  Use your imagination here.)

Thanks to my son, daughter and daughter-in-law for helping to move all the big pieces of furniture around and make this move possible.  Now I can stop talking to myself!

*****

Ocean City
And then there was the trip to the ocean that seems to be a regular event with the cousins - it is where we sit in the condo, look at the ocean, knit, weave, spin, laugh, eat, drink wine, and generally enjoy a weekend free of life's responsibilities all while never getting out of our pajamas.  I didn't take pictures this time, but pictures from the last visit would look exactly like this visit.  So here is the link to that post.

*****

Exercise
Staying active, walking and exercises, are going slowly.  A leg injury and outside temps near 0 have slowed me up considerably.  I am still wearing my FitBit pedometer and I will calculate my January step average this weekend.  My February goal will be to beat my January average.  Sadly the February goal won't be too hard to achieve because I suspect my January average will be embarrassing low.  But it isn't about today or tomorrow or next week.  It is about the long view.  The long view includes spring and I am getting fit for spring.  :-)  At least that is what I tell myself.  My back and knee exercise routine is created and sometimes done.  But again, not as regularly as I need to.  I have posted a calendar in my yarn room where I can easily see just how inactive I am.  The statistics should be posted in the local newspaper and tattooed on my forehead for maximum embarrassment, but I will settle on this simple calendar.  I will say that my arthritis in my knee is much improved.

******

Knitting
I am back to knitting every single day.  I had fallen into a slump.  Not a good place to be when you have a room full of beautiful yarns.  But I had hit a skill-level barrier with one project and the stall trickled into all my knitting.   Until I figured out how to work around the problem, I had lost my knitting mojo.  Back on track now.  I have three jumbo sized projects on the needles and I need to keep moving.  Pictures??  Ha!  Not today.  Whip out the imagination one more time.

******

Lap Top
I got a new Mac Lap Top computer this month.  After 5+ years of excellent service and several falls, my old Apple started doing wonky things.  That darn thing continued to work, however.  In fact I thought I was heading for a new computer in November of 2012 when it fell from my kitchen counter onto my hard tile floor, and here we are in January 2014. It still hasn't totally failed but it was time.   I will never never never own anything but a Mac!  It is a work horse and it is worth every single penny of addition money it costs to own one.

******

Mom
She has had mostly decent days.  Winter is hard on the elderly.  Yesterday, however, was a bad day.  Her ability to provide self care is slipping noticeably on some days.  When I arrived she was sitting in her wheel chair, her hearing aide batteries were dead so she wasn't responding.  When I reached her I noticed that a bathroom accident was evident all over her and she didn't seem to be aware.  It had not yet  been discovered by the staff so she was in a sad state - unable to help herself and has long since lost the ability to consistently ask for help when she needs it.  It was a very hard morning.  When I left things were back to normal.  But I left with a heavy heart.

*****

So that has been my January.  Although I haven't blogged a lot, I've been busy and I have been visiting with many of you.  You keep me inspired to put my fingers to the keyboard here.

I have some plans for February - but that is for another post!

And maybe even a picture or two!!

My favorite month

Here is the post where everyone lines up on the opposite side of the fence from me!

My favorite month (and season) of the year.

  

JANUARY!!

Let's here it for January everyone!!!

 ...

 ...

Louder please!

Ok, for you non-believers out there, here are the facts.

January is typically a "sleeper" month for most people.  Time dig in and hibernate and recover from the November and December - traditionally two crazy busy months for most people.  January is also a low light month and that means short days, gray days ...

So unfair to January!  

January is a Great Month!

January is a new beginning, a New Year, New projects, New Goals - all shiny and, well ... New!

 It is the leader month of the new year - and who doesn't like being new and the leader.

  I do have a few new goals and new projects for 2014 - but more on that in another post.

Snow - there better dang well be snow this month!!  

Not "spitting" snow but inches of snow - even a few feet!  

Mother Nature and I have been on the outs for a few years.

  Apparently January isn't her favorite month either because she forgets to send snow. 

 Here is your reminder, Mother Nature!

The Beach - don't knock it until you have tried it - visiting the beach in January, that is.

  Think about it.

 The ocean is still there - just a beautiful as ever,

 all those pesky people are no where to be seen,

 it is not 100 degrees outside,

 and you don't have to wear a bathing suit.

Really, January at the beach is the best.

Hand knit sweaters

 - you finally can wear all those sweaters that you knitted.

  And those hand knit wool socks are worth their weight in gold.

Time feels like more.

After 2 months of no time in the day,

 January feels like a big gaily wrapped box of extra time.

No deadlines.

No deadlines.

No deadlines.

  I am becoming a big fan of no deadlines.  

And January never seems to have deadlines.

Now, don't you feel better about January?

OK, let's try this once again.

Let's hear it for January!  A big rousing cheer!

 ...

 ...

Some of you need to re-read this post!

Happy New Year - everyone!

(And just remember it is brought to you by January.)

How do people get this smart?

I visit a number of blogs that use quotes as part of the postings.  I always enjoy reading them.  But on occasion, I read something that  makes me pause.  Here are a few that I thought worth passing on.  What do you think?

"Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm."

Winston Churchill

Here is a man I admire greatly.  He really did "walk his talk."  I believe greatness exists within each person but is often hidden or not tested.  For Mr. Churchill, he was tested on the world stage with his country's future hanging in the balance.  I bow to such greatness.

"When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is, remember, 

the teacher is always quiet during the test."

    Unknown

This quote speaks to me personally.  I have felt exactly this emotion in caring for my mom.  I still feel it now at times, but the real test was the last few years of my mom living with me.  I hope God was paying attention then and recognizes that I did the very best I could during the hardest test of my life.

This last quote is a bit long and there is some controversy as to its source.  But regardless of its authorship,  it is worth a read.
"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship.

The average age of the world's greatest civilizations from the beginning of history has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, these nations always progressed through the following sequence:

• From bondage to spiritual faith;
• From spiritual faith to great courage;
• From courage to liberty;
• From liberty to abundance;
• From abundance to complacency;
• From complacency to apathy;
• From apathy to dependence;
• From dependence back into bondage."

Alexander Fraser Tytler, 

Scottish Born British Lawyer and Writer 1747-1813

Ok - if that last quote/thought/reference (whatever) doesn't scare you a little bit, then you haven't been paying attention to what is happening in our own "great civilization." 

Hmmm.....

Through My Caregiver Eyes: The "Stuff" of life

It has been just over 2 years ...

Two years since my mom left my house for good - to move to Rehab and then to Assisted Living.

While mom lived here, she had a small suite of rooms: a private bathroom, a bedroom and a den.  She squeezed the stuff of her life into those rooms.  She was happy to do so because she had the things that mattered to her - and the security of living with family.  She had her "stuff" ... and everyone needs their stuff.

During her 5 years with me her stuff remained constant - never growing, never shrinking. She wasn't a spender and really needed little.   But other elements of her life shrunk and declined.  Some loss of independence, reduced ability to manage her small responsibilities, loss of driving, and finally declining health.  Eventually she even lost her ability to live with family.

And what of her stuff ...

Well I kept all her stuff just as she left it in her rooms for awhile.

Eight months after she moved, I decided to sort through her belongings and repackage them so that they fit snuggly into her bedroom.  It was time to reclaim the den for our use.  I downsized for her: for example she wouldn't need a Forman Grill, or craft supplies that her arthritic hands no longer could manage, or that mountain of papers she tucked away like a squirrel hiding nuts.  The downsizing was hard because it was an acceptance ...  she would not be returning. Still I kept her bedroom unchanged.  I couldn't seem to let that go.

After a year I removed the Chair Lift off the stairs.  It was a trip hazard for my husband who has limited vision ... and with mom not here, it served no purpose.  That was another small heart ache for me.

Now on the 2nd Anniversary of her life in Assisted Living - I decided to reclaim her bedroom.  Fortunately we have space in the lower level of our house to store her things.  But they no long reside in her room.  Her room is no longer "her room."  I have spent several nights boxing up her stuff and carrying it downstairs.  While that act has made me sad, it is not the worst.  Her total belongings have reduced to the size of one closet - exactly one closet of "stuff" left from a long life.  Her bedroom furniture will remain.  I downsized and packed away small stuff but not big stuff.

I know this sadness is mine alone.  Others may not understand my feelings.  Even mom wouldn't understand because she neither wants nor remembers any of these things.  In fact, the few things I brought to her Assisted Living room she did not want displayed.  It was like she had no plans to put down roots in that place.  Her roots were in my home and now they are in boxes.

The "stuff" of life can bring joy or sadness - even if the stuff isn't yours.

So I am fighting to focus on those things that aren't "stuff."  Her Thanksgiving was filled with family  - not things in boxes.  I fight those sad feelings since I can't control this decline and loss.  It is just a normal part of life.  I focus on "being there" for her.

Here she is with her family on Thanksgiving when we all gathered together to watch the parades and to share a Turkey Meal.  It was not home but she really enjoyed the visit.

Dear mom,

My home will always be your home despite the fact your legs will never carry you into it again.  You will always belong within the loving arms of your family.  Your stuff is just stuff.  Your real achievements are the great family you built and supported over the years.  You are much loved.  There is nothing else that matters.

Love,
Retired Knitter
Daughter and Caregiver

The run up ...

So for a change ... I am going to be a big girl ... a responsible and courteous blogger ... and announce that I will be on a blog break (short one) until after Thanksgiving.

We are in "the run up" to the busiest time of the year. I don't multi-task well anymore.  Juggling multiple priorities just isn't as seamless as it used to be.  Blocking time and being focused is the only answer.

For example, here is a sampling ...

This year we are having two ... yes, two ... Thanksgiving dinners - spaced about 4 hours apart.  And I am not cooking either one!! It should be, however, a crazy day.  First we are heading out to see Mom in Assisted Living to have a meal with her.  It will be great fun as almost all her family will be coming.  Most residents are mobile enough to go home for a brief visit on the holidays, so mom's building will get very quiet and somewhat empty.  Not the best place to be when it is Turkey Day.  We are hoping to fill mom's morning and early afternoon with family and fun - so that her Thanksgiving also has some zest to it.  The plan is to get there early enough to watch the parades and then share a meal - Thanksgiving dinner #1.  It isn't ideal - but it is the best we can manage when she is so immobile.  Then we are heading into Baltimore City to have Thanksgiving dinner #2 with friends.  We are really looking forward to this.  They live in an old Victorian Townhome - built before 1900 - and it is always great fun to visit them.

Then there is my upcoming physical therapy that starts this week.  Intense but short in duration, thankfully.   And my weekly exercise classes, and my daily walks and my soon-to-start exercise videos on off class days.  I hope I don't kill myself in the name of good health.  Wouldn't that be ironic!!  My walking routine is going great guns!  I am averaging 11,000 steps per day and climbing.  I am so grateful that my body responds so well to exercise and the transition from inactive to active is always pretty fast.  Guess it is nature's way of saying ... no excuses, just do it!!

I haven't started my Christmas shopping - and since I am an online shopper, that really needs to start happening this week.

I need to decorate early for Christmas - since our usual "after-Christmas Christmas Party" will be a "before-Christmas Christmas Party" this year.  My decorating is markedly reduced but it will still take a few hours.

And although I significantly slimmed down my Christmas "to-dos" last year - and will continue to do so this year - there are things that need to be done - starting now.  I enjoy the holiday way more if I get my Christmas tasks done by mid-December.  Then I can focus on a relaxed and happy holiday.

This list doesn't end there, but it is a start.

And although I said "happy holiday" in my previous breath, the truth is I find this time of year stress filled.  I hate the deadline feel of the month, the sad memories of a few holidays recently that were not so merry, the loss of the old way of celebrating because mom is so limited and unable to fully participate.  Times change and so do traditions.  Building new traditions and happy memories takes time.  

But, for now, during this time of year, "happy" is still a relative term for me.  Getting to January is my goal.

So welcome to the flavor of my life right now.

Back in mid-December.

Thankful

In Blog World it seems like November is the month for giving thanks publicly for all of our blessings ... and everyone's life is filled with blessings if they just look!

This process of giving thanks is a way to honor our American holiday of Thanksgiving.

I visit a number of wonderful blogs - some devote one post to gratitude, some do it all month long, and some do it periodically throughout the year.  What a wonderful way to create a "gratitude journal."  I have heard from many sources that a gratitude journal is a very effective method of making your own life joy filled.

I clearly have not done it at all.

So here goes. My list for November 2013 - and I will go for 20!

The big things I am grateful for:

1. This blog.  I would never have discovered my love of writing without it or discover such wonderful blog friends.  Without this blog I'd have had no place to vent pour out my thoughts. They would pile up in my head and leak out my ears and generally make my life constipated. (hmm ... better stop that line of imagery now.)  
2. For my wonderful body.  It responds soooo well to exercise ... like when my knee gave out.  It is healthier than many of my peer group - without much help from me I might add.  It continues to run problem free (knock on wood) despite the fact I don't always fuel it with healthy things.
3. For my mind.  So far ... so good - at least that is what my mind is telling me about itself today. 
4. For my family.  Really ... my "by-chance blood relatives" are great.  Sure, there have been a few bumps in the road, but a loving family makes the struggles of life easier.
5. My retirement.  I have been known to say that "someday I will really get to retire."  But truthfully, without retirement almost 7 years ago I wouldn't have had the time or energy to be there for my mom.  She was and is my first retirement project.
6. For my mom.  I am so lucky to have her still with me.  At 87 (next February she will be 88), I know my time with her is limited. Her struggles with aging have put perspective on my own older years.  I also discovered a level of compassion I wouldn't have seen in myself without her.
7. For my town home.  This town home has housed so much of my life over 28 years.  Kids, mothers, deaths, weddings, friends, parties, hobbies, sadness and joy.  I discovered just this year how important all that was.  Yes, we were thinking of moving, but when that decision was tabled ... relief!  I guess I wasn't ready to give up these 4 walls and the memories they hold just yet.
8. My room full of yarn and stuff.  Nu'ff said!  :-)
9. My grand dogs and my cats.  Meathead, Grimace and Milo.  Wally and Max.  Just last November my dear Meathead was so sick (at 10 years of age - old for an English Bull Dog) that euthanasia was a thought looming in all our minds.  One year later (now 11 years of age and very old), he is doing just fine.  Dogs are such great companions because they make you feel pretty special.  Cats are such great companions because they tell it like it is - "Think your pretty special?  Think again."
10. My husband.  Who drives me crazy some days, who is losing his vision all days, but who has stood by my side for 44 years worth of days - through some pretty dark times.  

Now for the smaller stuff:

1. My computer, iPhone, iPad, and Kindle - wow, am I on board with the electronic life or what!
2. My Subaru - such a reliable car. 
3. My water bottle - that reminds me all the time to "Drink more water!"
4. Coffee - my first friend of the day
5. Wine - my last friend of the day - the friend that rewards me while I cook dinner and gets me through this process 365 days a year.  Thank God one glass is supposed to be heart healthy.  Thank you God!
6. Veggies - my new best friend. Thank you Mother Nature!
7. My FitBit Flex pedometer - that keeps me off my butt a little bit more.  A Mother's Day gift from my daughter.  Thank you Kris.
8. My causal wardrobe - if I had to wear heels and dress clothes everyday I would puke!
9. My lists - that keep me from day-dreaming my time away.
10. My quiet time - time to look "inside" yourself and see how things are going.

You know, when you do this process - look for the things you are grateful to have - the list can be endless.  And the stuff that seems to be lacking - fades away for a bit.

A good thing to do!  And I do feel more joy-filled!