Mark Twain

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do ...
Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain

Thursday, November 12, 2015

One wish ...

If you could have one material wish
 (no wishing for world peace here ... )
 what would you wish for?

That was the question posed by a blogging friend called Paula at Smidgens, Snippets and Bits.  That question seemed to resonate like a huge gong in my brain.

And it made me instantly sad and pensive about life.

My one wish is as impossible as world peace.  My husband has a degenerative eye condition that over the last 10 years has robbed him of his vision.  Today he is legally blind and at some point in the future, he will be totally blind.  His condition has no cure!

My wish would be sight for my husband.

In fact, if it was medically possible (it isn't) - I would happily give him one of my eyes.

While this statement sounds self sacrificing on my part - it is not!  It is the fatiguing result of watching too much loss around me.

I spent the last 8 years watching my mom slowly lose all parts of a life she had independently built up  ... lost through age and dementia ... until finally she was left with only her daughters standing by her beside waiting for the end.  She did not even have the comfort of knowing we were there.  Total and complete loss.

Now I watch my husband slowly shed a life time of cherished hobbies.  First to go was some of his independence - no driving.  Then his substantial library of books, followed by his enormous  American Stamp Collection,  and now on the chopping block is his beautiful and valuable toy soldier collection.  TV is now mostly a radio show for him.   Even pouring a cup of coffee without spilling it has become a challenge.

The gift of one of my eyes would be a small sacrifice to make to improve his life.

But wishing is a waste of time.

How easy it is to focus on all the troublesome problems in life.  If problems go on for years and years, it becomes a habit to view life through the lens of loss.

This year - the first year of my mom's passing and the first year of increasing disability in my husband - I have allowed my emotions and point of view to settle on what is missing - what is lacking - on loss!  It has sapped my energies.  Fatigue best describes my internal mental state.

I need to change the lens I am looking through!

So I am pushing myself right now instead of wishing.
  • Organization.  The Bullet Journal has been helpful in putting some control back in my hands.  
  • Gratitude.  I need to write down all the positives - they are many.  Bullet Journal - make room.
  • Adult Coloring!  Yes, coloring for grown ups - and I am not talking about porn coloring books!  I didn't need a new hobby but apparently I have one.  Coloring is apparently a new (old?) hobby - one most likely relegated to children in the minds of many.  But now it has become quite the adult past time to help reduce stress and increase relaxation.  Who knew?  I have new coloring books, new color pencils and I am off and running - well, off and coloring at least. Maybe I will post a picture or two.
  • Legos - opps!  See a theme here?  I will blog more on that later.
  • Knitting - nothing replaces the satisfaction I get from knitting.
  • Walking ... enough said.
If I have one strength  ... it is my ability to adapt and change.  Lately, however, it is harder than normal.  Fatigue is a powerful enemy.  But I have little patience for people who sit and say "poor me" and do nothing about it.

I have lost patience with poor fatigued me!  Working on a different description.

How about you?  
Any wishes?











7 comments:

  1. Oh what a beautiful wish for your husband and his eye sight. I discovered coloring books for adults this year and it is rather fun, and yes, walking is a great activity. I will think of you when coloring or walking.

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  2. My simple question wasn't meant to make you sad. But questions like that do certainly make us think of how we put "things" into perspective, doesn't it. I would happily give your husband one of my eyes too, it that was possible. I took care of a lady at the nursing home (whom I dearly loved) and she was blind. We used to talk about which would be worse: to lose your sight or to lose your hearing. She certainly thought losing her sight was the worst. I still don't know which I would say. Both would be terrible. I love my days of coloring. It does help with the stress. I need to start walking too!! Bless you friend. And my wish for you is peace!

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    Replies
    1. Don't be concerned. You never know when you say or write something what little triggers it can set off in others. In this case I think it helped me sort out the whole-of-it, the big picture. It wasn't just my husband's eyes but the last 8 to 10 years. I am just so tired of seeing losses. And you are right - it gave me perspective to understand why I am having trouble this time bouncing back to normal. Just as my mother and husband had/have to continually adjust to new normals, so must I.

      The question of which would be worst - loss of site or loss of hearing - is probably based on personal experience. My life and my husband's life includes so many things for enjoyment that require vision. I would rather lose my hearing. My cousin is deaf but is still independent, holds down a job, visually "hears" with lip reading, etc. She needs no one to care for her. But who knows, she might feel differently if asked. Of course, it is not like any of us have a choice. :-)

      For me, for us, loss of my vision would be devastating - since I am sort of sharing my eyes right now with my husband. And my mother was deaf at death - age related - and I am a clone of her - so hopefully nothing happens to my eyes. Now I need to get my head turned on straight.

      Thank you for your kind comment.

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  3. I was only discussing eye transplants with my husband recently. You would have thought that it could be done. I'm sure one day that it will be a possibility for future generations. Meanwhile, your husband is lucky to have you as his eyes to the world.

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  4. If I could cure my daughter's depression that would make a whole lot of lives easier.

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  5. I discovered adult coloring books too! It is so relaxing and fun!

    My material list was material - a cell phone. I've never had one. I don't want it for calling people - I want it so I can download the watercolor app for photos! How pathetic is that - LOL!

    Linda in VA

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  6. Isn't it amazing how a simple question can cause so many emotions? I am glad that you were able to work through some of your sadness and despair. My wish is for you and yours to have peace.

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