Another Chapter - Day 1

Yes, it has been since October 2022 since I last visited my own blog and during that time I have wondered if I really have reach the end of my blogging journey.  But there is something so final about closing this down and saying goodbye to all this written history ... no matter what the reason.  During the unintentional blog break some health related events have been developing - slowly like the beginning of an ocean tsunami that is just a small swell out on the ocean but gathers speed and height the closer it gets to shore.  And once on shore .... well ... you know the rest.

It occurred to me that my personal thoughts on these health developments are best not expressed to my  family because my goal with them is to minimize the whole event so that worry does not overtake them (like it does for me in quiet times).  I want them to only focus on the positive.  This is just a bump in the road to get past and all will be well at the end. 

And if a family member does stumble upon these postings, please allow me and any other family member the allusion that you aren’t aware of these posts. I love you all dearly, but I can handle only so much reality at a time.  

My personal thoughts need to get out somewhere! The last time I dumped my deepest concerns anywhere was my time as caregiver for my mom - 8 years of my life that birthed this blog years ago.  Maybe this is the place I need to go now.

To start with the end (the current end as of this date as this is still developing) ... I have been diagnosed with Renal Cancer.  There is a large tumor on my left kidney that showed up by accident while being evaluated for GI complaints.  The CT scan was the last in a long line of tests started back in the fall of 2022 for GERD - ordinary innocuous acid reflux that was proving hard to resolve.  Just like the “photo bomb” pictures you see on Facebook and laugh about, this sizable tumor peaked its head out in the last shot of a CT scan of my chest.  The only difference was - it wasn’t funny.  The “accidental” nature ... my GI Nurse Practitioner was ordering the CT scan of my neck and before she handed the order to me, she stopped and said, “Have you ever had a CT scan of your chest?”  "Nope ... no CT scan of anything!”  "Ok, let’s just add that on to the order.”  Almost an after thought.  Sure why not, I thought - I am laying on the table there anyway.  Let’s take a look at everything!!

You know you are in trouble when you complete a diagnostic test, arrive home and 2 hours later you are getting a call from your medical provider - eager to talk with you.  Her phone number came up on my phone as “unknown” so I didn’t answer it.  She rang back again, and I didn’t answer it again, but this time she left a voice mail message.  I remember saying to my husband when I picked up the message - “Oh this can’t be good.  You never get medical results this fast."

And it wasn’t good.  A large mass was partially seen along with part of my kidney on the CT scan aimed at my chest.  After the call I remember feeling numb!  Very very numb.  Like this was happening to someone else.  In hindsight, I think the numbness was my body protecting me from panic. For about 2 hours I lived in that state.  She ordered a CT of my abdomen and pelvis and provided a referral into Urology - to be seen within 2 weeks.  She left me with a single lifeline to hang onto.  “Now this might be a large cyst. We can’t tell from this image. We need more studies.”  When the fog of numbness began to lift - a cyst made the most sense.  My liver had some cysts (but no one was concerned about that.). My family history was littered with polycystic kidney disease and although I tested negative in the 90s for that, maybe that test was wrong.  Yes, it most likely was a cyst rather than a tumor.  I began to feel better. All would be well.  

I had a number of family members to tell.  Although sending an email about such a topic isn’t ideal, that is what I did.  I couldn’t go through multiple telephone calls rehashing this same info fracturing my fragile “ok state of mind” in the retelling.  I did call my kids, however.  They seemed to handle the info more calmly than I was feeling inside - but maybe the 'numb thing' is hereditary, and they were a few steps behind me in reacting.  I made sure they had the same life line I did - this most likely is a cyst.  Look at our family history!! We really don’t know what we don’t know.  No need for concern.  All will be well.

All will be well.  Words I have lived my whole life using.  Words I prayed to God now would be true as I said them to the closest beings to me on the face of this earth - my children and my husband.  I did my best to make them believe those words.

And at the end of Day 1 - I made myself believe them too!