I’ve been very off center for the last year or two - unable to find my footing enough to return to blogging in any meaningful way. My life is pretty uneventful if you overlook all the health issues.
I have never been the kind of blogger that writes about day-to-day stuff. Detailing my days just doesn’t fill me with inspiration. What is odd is that I actually read some blogs that do share those kind of things and I enjoy them. It is kind of comforting to see patterns of life that sometimes fit my own.
But for me ... well let’s give this a try. Today I did some laundry, the cleaners are here now cleaning our condo, hopefully my car which needed a new muffler will be returned to me today and my husband and I got our covid 19 shots. Flu shots were last week and next week we are scheduled for the RSV shots.
Is anyone still awake?
I think I am a better writer (and thinker) when I am writing about something that is weighing on my mind - something that is unseen but fills my mind more than I care to admit. The last time that happened I was my mother’s caregiver. It was 8 years of a solitary lonely sh*t-storm that seemed to go on and on. At the same time it was a gift that I could give my mom during her last years - the gift of time and dedication as she desended into dementia.
Obviously I have kept connected to my blog writing about a host of other things in the last 12 years since her death - but nothing was as consuming. It was really just laundry, and car repairs and health issues and housework, repeat, repeat, repeat!
Lately, however, my brain has shifted to overdrive on a topic that we all will face if we live long enough. Our last decade or two of life. Or our next week or two of life - since nothing is promised. Lately I find myself waking each morning thanking God for another day. I never did that before. I assumed that the next day and week and year would be there. My calendar is full and I have things to do. I am sure many people live their lives like that. But at 79 I came to the conclusion that I’ve been lucky in life and this stupid assumption going forward had to stop.
I don’t consider myself religious even though I was raised as a practicing Catholic. My feelings about organized religion are complicated. I do believe there is a supreme being. I consider myself spiritual. But I am 99.999% sure that the supreme being isn’t listening to my gratitude each morning, (and this is a pretty valid assumption based on all the crap that is going on in the world right now). Just in case, however, he/she happens to be passing my way in the morning, a small 'thank you' is not too much to ask.
My husband turned 80 this year and all his various illnesses, while controlled and managed, have tapped his strength and mental fitness. I do my best to minimize all of them in his mind so he doesn’t become depressed, but there is no ignoring the fact that any one of them could end his life. We are only 8 months apart in age. I will turn 80 in April 2027. That birthday has attention grabbing impacts. Any negative events - something as simple as a fall - in the decade of the 80s - can be “curtains” for a senior life. Since our calendar has very many medical appointments every single month, I am constantly reminded that keeping alive now is a full time job.
These thoughts are just the tip of the iceberg in my head. They rattle around almost daily. When I was mom’s caregiver, thoughts just built up and built up until I was about to explode. This blog was born then. I could pour out those thoughts in one place and know they weren’t escaping - but they had stopped residing in my head. It helped.
So I think I am back in the 'blogging saddle' - trying to face my own future - however much there is of it. My own health so far is leveled out and for that I am also grateful. But mentally I need to get a grip. I know the standard line about birthdays is “it is just a number.” But no one can deny, 80 is a very big number.
There will be 'sunshine and flowers’ blog posts .... and there will be 'rainy day and muddy puddles' posts as well. Pictures might be hit or miss. I will talk about knitting. But my brain will probably jump from one topic to another without logic. It might be a bit of a roller coaster - but I won’t be talking about laundry and car repairs. Those of you who do talk about the daily stuff - please, keep on doing it. I will need the your ‘normal’ to remind me to enjoy my normal.
