Knee pain, its limitations, and the anticipation of a year to fix this broken part of myself (setting aside the fact a start date on that year-long fix has yet to be determined) .... well, heck, it is a tough pill to swallow for me.
My health was pretty good until I hit 75. I guess I should be grateful for that. I had my ups and downs but it has always been a fix-it fast kind of thing and move-on. Cataracts in those eyeballs? There is a fix for that. Get new lenses and in 24 hours see as good as the day I was born. Gallbladder making me sick? Cut that sucker out. The body can go on just fine with just a few diet modifications. Kidney tumor camping out in my body? Get that invader out along with the traitor kidney that harbored it. After all I have a spare! Seriously, it has been like that most of my life.
Don’t you think, however, that all my other body parts would notice what happens if it step "outside the box” and make waves in my health?? Clearly someone wasn’t paying attention.
This knee. While I do have “a spare” knee, we aren’t designed to walk just on one leg. And right now I am walking on “6 legs” (my 2 and the walker’s 4.)
I think I finally might have hit a wall on body parts that can be separated from me with little to no impact.
And . I . Hate . It !!
At the same time, I hate that reaction. After all, this isn’t cancer or organ failure. This is not a life ending disease or the total loss of all my worldly belongings due to a disaster. And while there isn’t a fix for that small cushioning tissue in my knee - there IS a fix! Replace the whole knee.
Regardless, I can’t help being upset that a small cushioning tissue inside my knee - the meniscus - something smaller than a small McDonald’s beef patty (don’t ask how I know this) - as well as a few other even smaller connective tissues have totally and completely failed beyond a surgeon’s ability to fix it ... and the result is a year long struggle to grab back knee function with a new rookie knee. It just seems unfair.
What is totally fair and discouraging - this whole post demonstrates a significant failing in my personality. While I can have complete and total compassion and dedication to others dealing with serious life changing health issues, I am pretty brutal in dealing with less serious failings in my own body!! I should be grateful that medical science has a a fix to offer. For heaven’s sake - this isn’t even a “new” fix ... they have been doing this surgery for decades!!!!
Well, the simple discouraging truth is this.
I have bemoaned the fact that I need to exercise and take good care of myself to be normal. Now to be normal I need a surgical intervention. I am not ready to be this much of a patient, or an old woman with a worn out “something,” or a person who is clearly perceived to need help. When I look in the mirror, that is not who I see. Even though in that reflection I also see my walker, pain patches, ace wraps, ice packs, Tylenol - (none of which really mask the pain - darn it) ... that image is not me. The reflection lies.
What doesn’t show in the mirror is the pain! I guess it is me after all.
I am scheduled to start those gel injections on June 9th. I am hoping to shed all those "reflection lies" for a while. Gel injections are not a “fix” - just a bandaid, but I'll take it. If they work, I can pretend with the best that I am once again my nibble self. That I can walk on only 2 legs just like everybody else. That I am me when I look in the mirror.
And when the time is right for me and my husband, I’ll get that rookie knee put in and be grateful for it - even if it takes a year of fighting it into submission to function normal like discarded knee before it got broken. I’ll dig up some gratitude at the same time. I’ll dig deep and I’ll find it.
That is a promise.
PS
Listen up other body parts...especially those that are thinking of going rogue in the future.
Pay attention on surgery day. I know this doctor with a saw and a drill!!
You and I can part ways.
😄
9 comments:
Had my six-week post-op appt with my surgeon yesterday. No big "Rah-rahs" from him; I'm doing well but will have to keep working hard because my goals are much higher than most of his patients. Do I want to lower my goals? NO. Do I look forward to working hard for months? NO. But I will, because I am stubborn and want the life I want. New knees are definitely a long-term commitment; hopefully ours will last us the rest of our lives!
I hope the gel shots work for you, Elaine. At least long enough to buy you some time :-)
I'm old enough now to be starting to experience the annoying physical "failings" of my body, or at least things not working like they used to. It is a hard "pill" to swallow! Especially since I've always tried to take care with diet and exercise. It's hard not to be disgusted with the whole thing.
Dan finally agreed to those gel injections in his knees and they helped so much! Not a cure, as you say, but a much needed reprieve from pain,
I hear your frustration and fear. I hope the injection helps you get to the surgery at a better time for you both. Take care.
Thanks, Michelle. I agree. I am just at the acceptance stage of this whole process and I keep thinking I will wake up and all will be well. I am being diligent in my current exercises to keep my legs strong enough for this. Some days I just wish I could do this tomorrow. Other days I think maybe there is another way.
Yes, A - I hope that as well. I need to buy time for my husband’s medical situation. If it is positive, I could move forward. It is so hard always using a cane or walker to get around. Discouraging.
Wow, Leigh that is good news about your husband and the gel injections. I haven’t heard even one story of a failure.
Thanks, Marie. I am hopeful. I really want to get on the other side of this - do the surgery and start the clock ticking on the recovery. But I have to wait for more info on my husband.
I'm glad you have a start date for the gel injections and I really hope they help relieve your pain and improve your mobility. I hope you can also get some positive news on your husband's situation or at least be able to work our the best way forward for you both. Getting old is not always fun.
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