Hello All,
Once again I have let things slide in the blogging department. Sorry. It seems to be the story of my life now. The reality is that dealing with limiting health issues both for myself and my husband have become a full time activity. And this “activity” - while it is voluntary and necessary - is just emotionally and physically exhausting sometimes. It is definitely worrisome. It seems like every step forward is accompanied by 2 steps back. And at 78 years of age, backward steps are not always recovered, no matter how much desire you have. Some may argue this is not true, but the stark reality is that our older bodies simply don’t have the building blocks to fully recover all that is lost. It is just a fact of nature. We are not “designed" to be fully functional forever.
In March I was hopeful that I had a reprieve - at least a window of time when I could be “normal” again. But normal for me is a very low bar these days. While I have a few conditions related to low kidney function, being able to walk around my condo without a cane or a walker was the “normal” I was seeking. I was “normal” for about 3 weeks.
Sadly my right knee pain that has become self absorbing. Pain is triggered by weight bearing activities. It is mostly an inflammatory condition - that is mostly helped by non-invasive measures such as icing and ace wrapping, sometimes pain patches and anti-inflammatory gels, and arthritis level Tylenol. But relief is fleeting - never for longer than about 15 minutes ... when normal movement overpowers all the good from my non-invasive measures. I feel like if I could just take anti-inflammatories - life would be tolerable. I have come to accept knee replacement is necessary if I want to recover any of my previous life. After seeing the pictures inside my knee from my Arthroscopy, I know this condition won’t just heal itself. Those tissues looked like raw ground beef - not like a normal smooth white meniscus.
I am, however, holding up my surgery for 6-8 months. My husband has further testing and maybe further treatment (a surgery) for his esophageal cancer. We can’t both be patients at the same time. I will not put that burden on my children. In the meantime, my ortho doc has ordered Hyaluronic Acid Knee Injections (called gel shots) and my insurance has approved this treatment. While these “gel” shots are not an immediate fix, they have a high improvement rate over time. And time is what I need. The gel shots have been approved for a year.
Meanwhile I am mostly fighting with situational depression - my enthusiasms in life activities are pretty low. My main “bandaid” for moodiness is walking - which I can’t do. I have continued my leg exercises so that I am as strong as I can be. But I hit a really low point when I could not participate in Maryland Sheep and Wool with my family. I made it to the fair grounds ok, and I have a handicapped parking lanyard (due to my husband), but the walk from the parking lot into the fair grounds was tough. I did meet up briefly with family, but they had agendas further than I could go, and I knew I couldn’t keep up, so we parted. I arrived at the fair at 8:30 am and left at 9:30 am! I saw some vendors, but my heart wasn’t in it. My knee was so painful I thought it might buckle - which it had done once before. I thought it best to leave and not test fate. I was alone and had only a cane with me. If the knee buckled, I would not be able to make it back to the car. Driving away from the fair grounds was the lowest I felt in years. And stupid me - I didn’t have tissues in the car.
It took me a few days to recover from that event.
In hindsight, I think the fair was the beginning of this current pattern of pain. I probably further injured the tissues.
So I am in a "hold and wait" pattern right now. I find that days spent at home with no plans or appointments are far more welcome than I care to admit. It is like the safety of my “cocoon” is what I desire - because it is less painful and safer. However, as we age, nothing ages us faster than inactivity and social isolation. And yet, that is what I crave right now.
Sometimes I feel like I am stepping outside my body and seeing this person I do not recognize.
I am hoping at a bare minimum - that these gel shots give me back just one thing - the ability to take a walk outside like a normal person, and not worry about pain or loss of function.
No promises on when I will be back here - but I will be back! Somehow it helps me sort out all the things that are piling up in my brain if I put it into words on the blog. I guess it is sort of like saying it out loud to a therapist ... and like a good therapist, it doesn’t give you solutions - it helps YOU to find your own solutions.
8 comments:
Boy, can I relate to this post even though we are living very different realities! I guess that is because our human responses to stress, pain, and loss of function can be very similar even if our stressors, pain, and losses of function differ. I understand how one bad/painful/disappointing event can devastate one for DAYS; how losing the ability to do what we've always done for our mental health brings despair; how holing up in one's cocoon feels safer and definitely easier than interacting with almost ANYONE in ANY format. I do pray the gel shots bring noticeable relief; constant pain is so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting, and woman, you deserve a break!
I'm right with you - and I agree with what Michelle said. When my torn knees took the ability to regularly get out in nature, my mental health really suffered. I so hope that the Gel Shots work for you until you can sort surgery out. At least you tried to get to MDSW - I have found myself just not going places because I don't know if there will be a place where I can sit down and give my knees and lower legs a break . . . All that being said, it's really good to read you here on the page. I'm always happy when there is a new post from you :-)
Thanks, Michelle. Sometimes it is hard to be understandable to people who aren’t old and disabled. I forgot to include in my post that by staying at home - I also avoid the reactions I get from strangers when my husband and I leave the house. Him using an obvious blind person’s cane and me on a regular cane. People fall all over themselves trying to help us - and I absolutely can’t stand being perceived that way. It seems so un-grateful and small of me to resist a really kind helping hand from a stranger - but it is how I feel deep down inside ... and I can't deny it. It is just a part of who I am I guess. So to minimize the expression of that negative feeling in me, staying at home is preferable. Being old people already classify you. But being old and disabled, is a double whammy! And not all people out there are kind people. My mother was mugged in her 60s and she wasn’t even disabled then. And from where I stand today, she wasn’t even old. I think I am struggling with more than just a bum knee!
Thanks, A. I am sure my frustrations are typical of any (type A, Aries, hard-headed, opinionated, independent) person like me!! :-). I have so little patience for illness and short-comings in myself.
If you saw my recent post you know I just celebrated my 80th birthday so we are close together in age. I said a prayer that you and your hubby will heal. I take supplements that are anti-inflammatory and some foods are too. It sounds like the knee gel will be a good short term fix for you.
Yes, we are peers! I asked my kidney doc about anti-inflammatory supplements. He said I would need to be specific since some of them could be problematic for low kidney function. When I had 2 kidneys I could take Celebrex which was a great drug for my knees and lower back. Now that is on the no-no list for me. I guess I will have to get serious about specific anti-inflammatory options before my next follow up appointment with him.
It is good to read you again. I hope the gel shots give you some relief and soon. I can only imagine what it was like for you at that low point as you drove away. I pray it will get better from here!
Yes, Marie. It was a tough day when I left the fair. All year I look forward to that fair. But it is passed now. My focus is to be back on my feet come 2026 - walking well and energy improved.
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