Breaking a blog-silence.
After the recent "mom-illness-hospitalization-rehab-nursing home" episode, I have come to realize a few things about myself.
#1 - I don't know myself as well as I think I do.
The rest of my story just falls like an avalanche out of #1!
I am not as resilient as I think I am or as I used to be. Each set back in mom's situation is a set back for me personally and each of my set backs take longer to dig out of. Sounds like a mom-related behavior! Seniors taking care of seniors. Exhausting.
I still can "dive into" a mom-related crisis with the energy and the focus of someone half my age, but the personal price that is paid after the crisis gets longer and longer to recover from. I can't seem to "dive out" with the same energy and focus and take back my own priorities without a long hard fight with myself.
Here I am 3 months later finally getting re-connected with my own needs ... but it seems like such an effort!
But I am trying ... really, really trying!
Two weeks ago I prepared a blog post and pictures, but never posted it! Does that still count?
I gained an all-time-high of body mass ... yes, too much weight! I am back to watching my food intake and have thankfully settled back to my previous "all time high of body mass." *sigh* Does that count?
I started walking and exercising but have missed the last week and a half. Does the start of walking count?
I have started calling home improvement vendors to replace carpeting and flooring (long, long, dreadfully long overdue.) But I dread the total upheaval that this kind of improvement will cause in my personal space. No contracts signed yet, but will the effort of talking to someone about making improvements actually count?
I am knitting on a shawl for myself that I really don't care for - I bought the kits over 10 years ago. Too bad I didn't make the shawl then when I loved the colors. No matter. It came from deep stash and I thought I would come around when I got into it. I didn't! I am almost finished so I can use it this fall in the house. Certainly that finish object should count?
My other crafting lives are in another temporary limbo - that always seems to happen when I am in recovery. Nothing there will count. (But ... I love walking into my yarn room and admiring my newly assembled loom and stand with the newly started weaving project on it. That counts for something.)
I returned to knitting group three weeks ago and enjoyed every moment, but felt like I was stealing time from other more worthy endeavors - like sitting on the couch and doing nothing! Ok, now we all can agree that knitting group does count!!!
On the surface of my life everything looks under control. But under the surface ... I am still struggling. And I dread the thought that any gains I make will go up in smoke when mom takes her next downward step in living.
This "Recovery" stuff is hard hard work!