Breaking a blog-silence.
After the recent "mom-illness-hospitalization-rehab-nursing home" episode, I have come to realize a few things about myself.
#1 - I don't know myself as well as I think I do.
The rest of my story just falls like an avalanche out of #1!
I am not as resilient as I think I am or as I used to be. Each set back in mom's situation is a set back for me personally and each of my set backs take longer to dig out of. Sounds like a mom-related behavior! Seniors taking care of seniors. Exhausting.
I still can "dive into" a mom-related crisis with the energy and the focus of someone half my age, but the personal price that is paid after the crisis gets longer and longer to recover from. I can't seem to "dive out" with the same energy and focus and take back my own priorities without a long hard fight with myself.
Here I am 3 months later finally getting re-connected with my own needs ... but it seems like such an effort!
But I am trying ... really, really trying!
Two weeks ago I prepared a blog post and pictures, but never posted it! Does that still count?
I gained an all-time-high of body mass ... yes, too much weight! I am back to watching my food intake and have thankfully settled back to my previous "all time high of body mass." *sigh* Does that count?
I started walking and exercising but have missed the last week and a half. Does the start of walking count?
I have started calling home improvement vendors to replace carpeting and flooring (long, long, dreadfully long overdue.) But I dread the total upheaval that this kind of improvement will cause in my personal space. No contracts signed yet, but will the effort of talking to someone about making improvements actually count?
I am knitting on a shawl for myself that I really don't care for - I bought the kits over 10 years ago. Too bad I didn't make the shawl then when I loved the colors. No matter. It came from deep stash and I thought I would come around when I got into it. I didn't! I am almost finished so I can use it this fall in the house. Certainly that finish object should count?
My other crafting lives are in another temporary limbo - that always seems to happen when I am in recovery. Nothing there will count. (But ... I love walking into my yarn room and admiring my newly assembled loom and stand with the newly started weaving project on it. That counts for something.)
I returned to knitting group three weeks ago and enjoyed every moment, but felt like I was stealing time from other more worthy endeavors - like sitting on the couch and doing nothing! Ok, now we all can agree that knitting group does count!!!
On the surface of my life everything looks under control. But under the surface ... I am still struggling. And I dread the thought that any gains I make will go up in smoke when mom takes her next downward step in living.
This "Recovery" stuff is hard hard work!
12 comments:
It all counts always. And it is seniors taking care of seniors. Not easy to struggle for resilience. Most of all YOU count....
But Mom's doing better now yes? Have patience with yourself. It is draining watching over someone you love.
It all counts....it is so hard to take care of yourself when you are constantly caring for others but I am glad that you swam back upstream and are starting over again. I am starting with you. Please keep up the good work it will encourage me to do the same.
Thanks. I think it all counts too, but it still feels like going up hill all the time.
Yes, she is better. That is the upside.
I know the challenges with your mom are pretty steep right now. Thanks for taking the time to reach out.
I agree with everyone else it all does count!! : )
It all counts . . . and you count!
My own little echo... Yes, it all counts. It counts double because you are doing it all with the weight of your mother's well-being always riding on your mind and in your heart. I am glad that she is doing better now. I hope that you have a good day today!
Yes, taking care of another human being is the most draining thing I have ever done. It is not at all like raising children. Those I help learn to do things and got them ready to fly out the nest and live on their own. They got stronger everyday. This is so different. And I feel just like you. All my energy goes into caregiving, I don't have any left to care for me....someday though that will change. God Bless you Elaine
Of course it counts! I'm glad you are knitting and going to the group was the best idea. I find I can draw energy from others - even if they aren't caregivers and have no idea what the heck that means. I am exhausted tonight - we got mom's release to come home date today and I am terrified of how I will handle it. It's the hardest thing in the world. Just keep doing what you can and not beating yourself up for what you can't. Prayers and virtual hugs coming your way.
By getting off the couch and doing something makes it count - you count, which makes everything else count. Don't give up, you're doing great, keep trying!! Take it one day at a time, no longer term ideas or plans for now, you're not ready. You need time to get back into your rhythm before any plans can be made. Get your bids on home improvements. See how long those bids are good for, then hold off until you're ready. Keep busy planning diet and exercise for now on a daily basis, steal little moments of time, stay off the couch. Make time for yourself, build your strength up slowly. You have to be strong enough for the upheaval the home improvement job will cause (and it will), you may not be there yet. You are stronger than you think, look back on what you've accomplished! Hang in there, be patient(!), everything gets better eventually, but you know that. Be good to yourself Elaine, you deserve it.
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