Change or Crumble or ...

My grand daughter turned two in February.  

It was a fun and joyous event even if she was over-tired from staying up late at my house the night before.  (You do know ... at grandma's house the rules are pretty flexible - like bedtimes!)  Ha!  Her cute little self is pretty much as pure as the day she was born!  Too soon for any real negative 'foot prints' to change that little soul - because she lives in a happy loving home with two caring parents and extended family who loves her with a passion that I never knew as a child.

Opening Birthday Gifts with her Mom

It got me thinking about how 'life' changes you as you walk gingerly through it - stepping over or side stepping difficulties until they can no longer be avoided - and you have your very first negative 'foot print' on your child-like self.  It could be the addition of a sibling that divides your parents' attention from you.  Or an early form of bullying from a peer who is too young to know empathy or compassion.

For myself it was at age 6 when an alcoholic father did something that forced my gentle mom to warn him away, or she would push the baby bottle she was using to feed my infant sister "down his throat."  At age 72 I still remember that scene like it was yesterday.  I think that was the first foot print on my child-like self.  Other memories - less clear - followed over my childhood years - probably not retrievable as a self protective mechanism.  But early changes such as these made me more docile than my true nature probably.

School years were a struggle as well.  I was not a good student - maybe not academically gifted or maybe just too impacted by a less than happy home.  My memories are jumbled but I remember making friends easy - certainly not part of the "in crowd" but not an outsider either.  Inviting friends into my home was infrequent and sleep overs never occurred because in an alcoholic home you couldn't be sure it would turn out well. Best to cover up that fact. In addition bullying is not limited to just this generation.  But I managed to side step those issues by being willing to mold my self to the will others.  I'd learn how to side step difficult personalities thanks to my father - it was just as easy to side step difficult peers the same way.  Many many foot prints were stamped on me in those years by my father and by my peers. I emerged my teen years as a person who was liked but not necessarily popular, content but not necessarily happy and eager to be independent without necessarily knowing what I would do with my life.  A middle of the road person who finds the 'middle' less foot stomp worthy.

When I married I managed to side-step repeating history - no heavy drinking spouse for me.  Chronic drinking would be a 'deal breaker.'  And, to this day, it would still be a deal breaker - even after 50 years of marriage.  I guess that was the first time in my life that I ever put my opinion and my desires ahead of others.

But marriage at 22 years of age is a "crap shoot."  The person you are at 22 (in many ways not fully formed) may not resemble who you are at 72!  So it was for me.  Lots and lots of foot steps trampling  me forcing me to Change or Crumble.  I chose Change.  And change made me harder.  Those 50 years were filled with the highs and lows of children of my own, professional challenges, and heart breaking elder caregiving for 3 family members.  I learned step by step, that I couldn't be all things to all people.  I learned that I was a limited resource and if I wanted anything of me left of me for me - I needed to draw lines in the sand in each and every relationship.  Boundaries were my survival mechanism.  Even with my own children - for whom I would give my life - alcoholism would not be tolerated.  Thankfully - that illness has not found its way into their lives.

Even my spouse - has planted footprints on me that has changed who we are together.  Small little red flags that waved gently in my face at 22 before marriage are still waving glaringly in my face at 72!  It is true that you should never assume you can change anything about anyone.  Those red flags have formed me.  After all ... it is Change or Crumble!  I don't Crumble!  Not in my nature.  I got tougher, more willing to stand up for myself, less willing to choose the middle ground.  And the changes in our married relationship that those constant red flags have forced ... have changed the nature of our married life.  I have often commented that I am not the person he married 50 years ago. If I was, he may not have married such a firmly formed me at 22.  He, however, is very much the same person I married all those years ago.

So I guess there is a third response to life - Change, Crumble or Static!

Wrestling with her dad!  I think she is winning!

My grand daughter - how I wish I could protect her from all those negative kicks in life that change who you are.  Or maybe I should just wish that the changes in her life will all be positive ones... ones that make her a better human being as she grows.  Strong, compassionate, smart, brave.  Shield her from those things that make her hard, selfish, cynical and judgemental.

Reading a book with her Aunt.

Or maybe I should just be grateful that she has the strong foundation of 2 loving parents and close loving extended family - and with those few vital building blocks she will be able to weather all the footprints that want to stamp her out - she won't need to Change, or Crumble or be Static.

She will ... Flourish!