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| Found on Facebook - no idea who to really credit! |
So, here I sit 4 1/2 weeks or so into this 'Stay at Home' thing we have been ordered to do - and I thought I was nailing it mentally. Note - the Past Tense!
I'm not. I'm restless. This new antsy feeling, however, won't change a thing regarding Covid-19 protection guidelines. I will stay home bound for as long as it takes - just like everyone else should. I am keeping my 'parachute' on. But ... one night I went to bed feeling fine being home bound - and the next morning I woke up and realized ... not fine.
I tried to sort out why this is so. I have a lot to keep me occupied - my life within these 4 walls is good. And no job to worry about, no lack of food, no heath issues (thank God, because now is not the time to have a health issue of any kind!)
I thought the simple answer would be "gratitude." Just be grateful. It is sort of the new buzz word for changing your perspective on things and making you happy. To be honest, it didn't work. Because "gratitude" for material things (which I have in abundance) is just a way to fool your mind about what really feeds your soul.
I determined what I was missing was my kids, my grand daughter, my grand dogs, my friends, visits to public places without fear. It is like the mountain of 'things' available to me within the four walls of this condo are just not cutting it - a diversion for sure - but not as positive and life sustaining as I thought.
I miss is seeing with my own eyes that my adult kids are happy and healthy, hugs from my grand daughter who shouts "grama" over and over again, explosive rush of excitement and love I get from my grand dogs who run around like their pants are on fire for the first 5 minutes after I walk in the door, the laughter and the sharing in person with friends .... heck, even time spent with strangers without the constant reminders of masks and gloves that say - "Stay back!! ... you might have germs." That is what I miss! It is an interesting personal discovery. And that old life I miss might be on hold for another 12 to 18 months.
What I wouldn't give to be able to just hug a complete stranger!!
Upside - Downside
On the upside - my carpet got steamed cleaned this week - looong overdue! On the downside - the inspiration for steam cleaning is because of my cat Wally broke box training this week (almost always a sign that something is wrong.) On the upside I got him to a vet yesterday to receive the care and meds he needed, but the downside is I spent that vet visit in the parking lot while they took care of him without me. They didn't even want my credit card - said to call when I got home. Another downside - his appetite has been way off for months and losing weight. So in a last ditch effort to save his life, I have been force feeding him some high calorie dense nutritional value food and soon I will be manually feeding him a liquid diet - a special food on order. Not much fun for either of us. He has 2 ongoing medical health issues and is getting treatment for those, but his chances of making his 14th birthday in June are fading fast if he won't eat.
I think the downsides within the walls of my condo are outnumbering the upsides right now.
Other stuff:
I finally got my kitchen floor washed. I hear that is a thing now! :-) I won't embarrass myself with how long it has been - but it took 3 complete washings to get it clean. I didn't choose the ugly kitchen flooring pattern - the previous owners did. The only positive thing about it - it doesn't show dirt! But if it takes 3 washings to come clean - I really went to a new low in the housekeeping department.
I food shop by myself now. Most people do normally - but it is one of the things my husband enjoyed doing over the years and we always did it together. Now that he is blind in a pandemic living in a world with many government imposed restrictions (in this area only 1 family member at a time allowed in the store) - he doesn't even get to that simple trip. He is the one who enjoys food shopping, but I am the one forced to do it.
We are getting out for a walk several days a week. It is for mental health more than anything. But my legs are feeling better with exercise. And I started taking Eggshell Membrane capsules daily and they may also be contributing to the improvement. While this is not meant to be medical advice for anyone, it was worth an experiment for me. Thank you, Michelle of Boulderneigh Blog.
And what to say about knitting! I have spent the last 25 years preparing for this moment. A time when I have an enormous stash of yarn and unlimited time to sit and knit! But focusing on any craft right now is really hard. I probably do about 5 rows in my latest project - done while I watch TV. But I often find myself sitting staring at the screen with my knitting in my lap - idle. It is like my entire life - down to the littlest actions - has been interrupted and getting back on track is not on my radar either.
There is a saying that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I used to bristle at that statement feeling in minimized senior adaptability. Everyone can learn new tricks. But when you have to learn new tricks for every single action in your life - that is when the truth of that saying begins to make sense.
To Conclude
Keeping my parachute on,
missing my loved ones,
refusing to let my cat die,
cleaning stuff I can't stand to look at any more,
forcing myself into a grocery store,
walking
watching TV
Just the same as everyone else,
I guess!
Stay Well Everyone!
13 comments:
It sounds the same as my husband and I are doing. We are missing important people and items or events from our lives. While we are okay, we need to acknowledge what we are missing. You did it beautifully!
You describe my inner landscape so well, even if the lived details vary. We will keep our parachutes; many people have endured worse.
Oh I so much relate to this post. We have so many good things in our homes and lives but this isolation is getting to us! I think I would enjoy sharing a cup of coffee with you, we are on the same page. Be well.
Though it's not much of a consolation, you're not alone in your feelings. I believe it has a lot to do with being told what you can and cannot do. Even though the restrictions imposed on us by others may be for our own (and everyone else's) good. Let's face it. Our lives have been altered. It just ain't like it used to be. And we don't know when it will change again. And what will we be changing back to? Other unforeseen changes? The not knowing of it all is unsettling. To say the least. I seem to be functioning back and forth between being very appreciative and grateful for what I have and then grumpy as all get out because I'm having to adjust to a situation that just doesn't "feel" right.
Oh, I know your feelings all too well. Even though I have seen my one son and one grand daughter in the past month, not being able to hug or kiss them is making me a bit crazy too. Going to the grocery store is not much of a pleasure other then I am out of my house. Here we sit with all that yarn waiting to be made into items of use and have a hard time actually sitting down and working on it for longer than an hour at most. Yup, being told what we can and can not do is tough. Our Costco has a sign up that no more than 2 people on one membership are allowed in. It does make it easier to get in and out now. Hang in there. Eventually, we will be able to move around more freely. Stay well.
I don't really mind staying home, so much to do around the house and Happy Trails. We stay home most of the time anyway.
What I do miss is going to church and my church family. We do so much with them!!
Luckily there have only been 4 cases of the virus in Garrett county and that was in the beginning. Hope it stays that way.
All sounds very familiar. Keeping my parachute on too. Stay well
You nailed it... that range of the Emotional Rollercoaster I also can relate to... and so much of what you Shared... down to new lows in housekeeping being revealed as suddenly the Home is cleaner than ever in my Lifetime of being an Old Hippie! We too are fortunate to have a lovely Home with everything we require to get thru a Pandemic without undue Hardships. Yet I do miss the Freedom and ability to Connect in Meaningful ways IN PERSON with other Human Beings! This all seems so unnatural.
I can relate! I have to keep doing physical stuff, the harder the better. I can’t do much reading as my minds driiiiiffffts away from the page and lands on my worries. I lost my beloved cat of 13 years suddenly to some kind of tumor, after a parking lot vet experience similar to yours, on Easter Monday. Total shock. She was eating and playing hours before she had to be put down. I’m so sorry about your cat. I hope he makes it to comfort you many more days.
I love the analogy — or hate it because our leaders don’t seem to get it, or care, or whatever. Friend, keep plugging along, doing the best you can to keep your spirits up, counting your blessings. We can’t see the end but it’s out there somewhere.
Well, I'm really sorry your husband can't go to the grocery store with you. That sounds like a biggie. Overall, I'm doing fine and feel like I could continue this for a while, but I can't wrap my mind around doing this in some fashion for the next year and a half (at least).
And if I can just vent... the PSA's about how "You can accidentally kill someone" (if you don't stay home) are adding to the craziness of how we're supposed to maneuver this pandemic over the coming months. A month ago, those PSA's might have been helpful for getting people to take social distancing seriously, but now... as governments are talking about getting people back to work - the mixed messaging is insane.
I can relate to most of this. We don't appreciate what we have until we lose it. I saw Daughter the week before lock down. If I had known what was about to happen, I might have hugged her more. We text but that is not the same. I am not going to go out in my garden for a dose of vitamin D. I still appreciate my garden. How dreadful it must be for families cooped up in small flats at the moment.
i find myself almost crying, i think it is loneliness (what?!)
i have a teeny studio apartment and used to sit outside
but we arent allowed to!
no one sitting outside enjoying sun and smiles and waves- this is what i miss.
I understand your feelings and am hearing it a lot from people around me. I don't like to grocery shop, and so have been enjoying ordering on line. I find it kinda fun to pick things out, think about and then perhaps change your order. I've ordered from 3 different stores so far. First was Amazon Fresh, Then Costco's, then a local store. Just logged a delivery for tomorrow again from Costco's. I probably will take turns between them and the local. The reason...I can order wine through Costco's, lol. Though I did order from a wine distriubutor a case of red wine that came last week and have a case of white and rose' coming later this week, so maybe won't need to do that. I get either a box white or large bottle which I call my house wine.
My daughter doesn't live in town, so am used to not seeing her, and I don't have grandkids so can't really say I miss seeing family.
Hope the project goes well and helps get you back on track. Best of luck with your kitty, one day at a time.
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