Mark Twain

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do ...
Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Hello again!

Looks like I took another blog break.  I am not good at 'planning' the schedule of these posts!  They just seem to organically happen.

But to say nothing has happened in this period would be a stretch of the truth.  It has been and continues to be a soul searching time for me.  I think moving into a true retirement, moving away from caregiving, adjusting to my husband's growing disabilities, moving from our home to a condo, and facing my 70th birthday this month ... well, let's just say I haven't given all that stuff enough importance in its impact on my life.  Those transitions have not fully settled in my brain and soul.

One theme in my thinking that kept popping up was the future of my blog.  Did I still want to do this?  I guess I do off and on.  I can't seem to permanently pull the plug on this activity.   Although I don't feel the need to write like in more difficult days, I just can't hit the 'delete button' on the written record I have created in this space.  So I won't.  This blog will be my space for when the spirit moves me.  I guess it moved me today.

Another theme that kept annoying me (really annoying me) was the time I seem to need to get from one place in life to another.  I have always been a 'get to it' kind of person, with little to no patience for those who don't adapt well to change.  This is not an element of my personality I am proud of but it is the practice of my life and thinking.  Now that 'get to it' attitude seems to have failed me.  I am still adjusting and adapting to the changes in my life over the last few years.  This time has been filled with a number losses and grief.  I have read over and over again .. time to recover from grief takes as long as it takes.  I know it is all normal - but it is still annoying.

The final theme that has risen to the surface is that actions speak volumes - talk really says nothing at all.  So my actions have lead me to believe that I still am adjusting and grieving some, and still thinking about what is next ... now that all other avenues of my life responsibilities have reached an end.  I guess my actions say that I am great at completing the big tasks/stages of life, but I am not so good at moving into others.

My actions?  Exercise - not to look better but to feel better.  It is taking way longer to see results than any other time in my life.  Ha!  Everything takes longer now!  I am still working on getting settled in the condo and getting the space adapted to our needs.  I knit. Despite my desire and talk about spinning and weaving (and buying equipment and supplies, etc. etc. etc.), knitting is what I do.  I have regular contact with my grand dogs and my cats.  Pets provide a balance through example that life can be really simple!  And I read.  Although the days are full something seems lacking.

Beyond that ... I think and think and think.

Will I be back?  Only my actions will tell.


6 comments:

  1. I pray you discover what is lacking, so you can choose to add it to your life. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Michelle. I continue to visit your blog and really enjoy seeing all the new life that is growing out of your farm. How I wish I was closer 'cause cuddling all those new lambs looks like a great fix for me.

      Delete
  2. What a nice surprise your blog post was this morning. Your posts are always thought provoking. It seems to me that our lives are focused so much on what needs to be done that when we have the time for more choices​ we are a little adrift. That is part of my hesitation to completely retire, although I am officially down to 3 days a week starting May 1st. My days at work give me a framework for my week. That being said, my impatience to have more time at my looms is growing. Do you think that the lack of many of the responsibilities you have had is harder to adjust to? I am surprised to find myself thinking I need the framework of a few days at work when there is so much I want to do at home. You do have me pondering this morning!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think my adult life has always been about competing responsibilities and desires with one or another seeming to take over my time and energy while others drop off my radar because there are only 24 hours in each day. Now there is simply nothing 'demanding' my time. Sounds like a wonderful state of being, but it hasn't been so for me. I can understand your desire to hold onto the structure of your job. It makes sense.

      Delete
  3. I'm sure now that you are settled in your new home with less responsibilities for its upkeep you have more time for your grief to come to the surface. I know it's been hard for you to lose so much. Please be kind to yourself and let the healing happen in its own time.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I really feel you speaking today!! I feel exactly the same way. But I used to get so much out of writing and then it started to sound more like I was just whining. And so many just don't understand that grief is a process that we have to go through whether we want to or not. So many just don't want to hear about it. Hang in there my friend!! We will find our pace again!!

    ReplyDelete

Yes, you do want to comment! I can see it in your face:-)