Coping ... and keeping busy.

I feel like my life now is all about coping!

I am coping with the loss of mom in my home. Nothing more can be said about that. It is a terrible place to be.

I am coping with my return to blogging. I took a peak at the blog posts I have missed - 668!!! Breath-taking. But I am committed to my blog and my blogging community. I will work through this - it will be a good distraction for me. I am down around 500 back log postings so I am making a dent.

I am coping with the upcoming holiday. At least this year we are more prepared than last year. Our holiday will be much quieter than in the past and very different. But curiously I am grateful for the quiet! The last few years have felt almost like a "habit" - everything was the same. And the traditional habits didn't provide the traditional comforts any more. It seemed more like obligations. Last year was a dreadful holiday because I felt the pressure of trying to maintain some sort of tradition while in the midst of dealing with mom's month long health issues. This year I feel a bit more freedom - no need to conform.

I am coping with my need to keep busy. Busy helps fill the vacant spots I now seem to have. I am cleaning my house (a sure sign I am upset), I am listening to my books on tape (having a constant voice to distract me keeps other thoughts at a distance), and I am thinking about all the personal physical activities I have abandon this year and want to take back so that I can deal with my emotions again (walking, Tai Chi, Yoga).

And I am coping better because I am still knitting. When things heated up again this fall, I resolutely continued to knit. I picked up those needles even if all I wanted to do was stab them into my couch. I didn't :-) ... I used them to create, to keep my hands busy, to force peace into my brain. Knitting, my dear friend. I really need to take some pictures of what I am working on and post them. I have one sweater almost done - that I started in October.

I am coping.

Through My Caregiver's Eyes - Christmas At Brooke Grove

Today was Christmas Family Day at Brooke Grove - Sandy Spring Assisted Living.

It is a good time to introduce you to this wonderful community.

Sandy Spring Assisted Living is part of the Brooke Grove Retirement Community. Set on 220 wooded acers, this lovely place includes Independent Living, Assisted Living, Skilled Nursing and Rehab. It is a continuing care retirement community. This means that as mother's level of care changes, she will remain "under their umbrella." Since I have seen the excellent care the nursing home residents receive, it is a comfort to know she is in a good place for the rest of her years.

The staff at both rehab and assisted living are excellent. In the short week she has been there, I have seen some of the sensitivity shown to her. Mom resisted some personal hygiene assistance and the assistant honored her wishes and backed off. But they continue to strive to gain her trust. Of course, they are strangers to mom. It will take time for her to feel comfortable with these new faces. But I know she will eventually. She had bonded with the rehab staff. On our last day there were genuine hugs all around. They were sorry to see her go ... and mom felt the same emotion.

One large improvement is the social opportunities available to her. On her second day she had a hand massage - something her old arthritic fingers really enjoyed. She attended a music and hot chocolate social, and met with a small group of residents and the chaplain for a talk. There is always something to do if you want to participate.

Today the holiday festivities at Brooke Grove are in full swing. Families are invited to attend a celebration with their loved one. There was live music and food. Mom made her way to the dessert table for her "second dessert." I think she really enjoyed it.

It was nice to meet some of the family members of other residents. It is not like home but today it felt just as festive.

Of course, tonight I am thinking again about her, wondering what she is doing. By 9:00 pm, she is probably in bed and maybe asleep. I can't help but wish she was asleep upstairs in her bedroom in my home. I know I shouldn't torture my self with these thoughts, but the nights are the hardest time for me. I know time is the only really healer.

Thank you all for you wonderful comments to my post yesterday. Each one made me tear up a bit. I am really trying very hard to look forward and see all the positives. And there are tons of positives. But there is also 5 years of care giving history I carry with me. It is going to take me a bit of time to adjust to my new role. I'll get there. I am a survivor.

But I am wearing a few "band aids" now on my heart.

Hello? Is anyone out there still?

I sure hope so.

I have missed my blog home and my blog friends. I have missed writing. I feel like I have been un-anchored and set adrift. I feel like my previous life - my life before mom - is back and I don't feel comfortable with that new reality.

Mom went into Assisted Living 5 days ago. After 4+ weeks of sub acute rehab, it was determined that she could not safely return home. She could not get up the 20 steps she needed to climb to get into my house and she could not be left alone ever again. Although hearing that determination was hard, it was not surprising. I could see that she was not progressing as quickly as before. Her strength was still serious limited. Physical Therapy said that she had "plateaued" in her progress, and as a result must be released from therapy.

And so we worked to find a good place for her to live, one where I could rest easy that she was being taken well care of, and that she would have a social network to keep her occupied. Brooke Grove was the final choice ... the same community that provided her rehab. The setting, the staffing and the quality of attention to detail are outstanding in this organization. We were very lucky that she was accepted into this Assisted Living setting. Pictures and stories will still filter through my blog because I am still her regular daily companion, if not her primary caregiver.

But ...

I miss her more than you can ever know. The nights are the worst for me. I shed tears every night for what we have lost. I know she is sitting in her recliner watching TV in her new room ... just as we did together almost every night in my living room. But we are apart now and it weighs very heavy on my heart. I visit almost every day. She is angry at times, and she has a right to be angry. Her life has changed so much. And I am sad beyond understanding, and I have a right to be sad because this was not what I wanted. But our lives are changing and we both must adjust.

Tomorrow is the Holiday Family Party at her Assisted Living and I will have my camera handy. I will share our new lives with you. But please know that despite the smiling faces in the pictures, there is an internal struggle for us all.

Gosh ... I sure do hope someone is still out there!

Thankful for a difficult year

Traditionally people reflect on all to good things in their lives this time of year. As I reflect on this year all I can see are the struggles, disappointments and losses.

And still I am thankful. I have learned a lot about who I am. And I have learned to change my view of life.

• I managed to keep mom in my home for the most difficult year of both our lives.
• I lost a very close family relationship ... one that I thought would be with me until the day I died ... and discovered I could manage without her.
• I grew to realize I could not be "all" for my mom, that I had to let go, and give up her care to others more able to manage the challenge of her declining abilities.
• I said a quiet goodbye to a dear uncle and celebrated the wonderful life he lead and the family he left behind.
• I found unanticipated support and strength in friends who walked this path before me.
• I rediscovered the fact that I have the best kids in the entire world. I know this for a fact. Don't bother to argue with me.

It hasn't been the best year of my life and it may not be the worst - but it will probably count in the top 3 of worst years for sure.

You never really know how strong you are until you are tested. This year was nothing but a litany of tests. I passed a few, I bent under a few, and I probably failed a few. But I am glad to discover that I am still the same person, maybe stronger than I thought - someone who is surrounded by a loving family, who is living by her own judgements, and who despite the worst this life has dealt out to me thus far ... is still standing.

A hard post to write

What to say ...

Today is 3 weeks since her admission into rehab. In many ways she is less than she was, and yet she continues to improve in small ways. Maybe I see the improvements because I look for each little step forward. Maybe I want her to improve more than she wants to improve.

Physical therapy says that they will be discharging her by the end of November. But the discharge will include the recommendation that she has 24 hour assistance/monitoring. This translates to admission into Assisted Living or to an aide in our home for a minimum of 12 hours each day.

An aide in the home is not an option for us. Our townhouse is small. My husband is uncomfortable with the idea and I am not wild about it either. But my main concern is for my husband. After 5 years of living with his mother-in-law in sometimes difficult circumstances, I cannot ignore the line in the line in the sand that he has indicated. He also has expressed concern for the physical and emotional toll all this has taken on me to this point.

But what about mom ... After 3 weeks in rehab I can see that she is ceasing to try, to achieve, to remain connected to her surrounds. She sleeps a lot. She appears angry at times.

But most importantly she doesn't understand that she can no longer do for herself. She can no longer make the smallest common sense decisions for herself.

When she is awake she appears unhappy and no longer takes joy in the presence of family. Some of this is fatigue. Some of this is discouragement that she is not home. Maybe we are dealing with some depression as well. But without her corporation and desire to do the work to get stronger, there is no way to physically bring her back home.

I greatly fear that she can no longer live at home safely.

How will I ever be able to give her that news!

Sadness, Joy and Struggle

My, how quickly the time passes.

I returned from a quick trip to Florida to attend a viewing of my uncle who died this month.

The trip was filled with sadness and joy.

The loss of this favorite uncle was hard to accept. Yes, he lived a long and wonderful life. But letting go of loved relationship that helped make you the person you are is very difficult and filled with sadness. There was joy in putting my arms around my dear aunt, giving her a hug from my mom and one from me. Her last care giving years for my uncle took a large toll on her. Her work was done. Now she needs to build a life of her own. I would imagine that task looks like an insurmountable mountain after 57 years of marriage. There was also joy in catching up with my cousins on this side of the family. They also filled many of the memories of my early growing years. Visiting with them and their families was wonderful.

I called mom everyday I was gone. I tried to keep connected during the days when she would have no visitors.

But when I saw her on Sunday she appeared somewhat down and a bit restless. Maybe the understanding of her brother-in-laws death had finally been absorbed. Maybe she is struggling with the facts of her limitations. But her desire to just "go home" seems to be growing. It is hard to make her understand that she can't just be released ... that she has to be able to do some simple things - like getting out of chair unassisted and walking with a walker unassisted.

It is like saying I want to be able to run 5 miles this afternoon ... without doing the necessary months of work necessary to achieve that goal. I wonder if she would understand that analogy.

She completed 2 weeks of rehab and her doctor said probably 4 to 6 weeks were necessary. It is going to be a very long 4 to 6 weeks, I fear.

So I am back home and back to daily visits with mom. Blogging time continues to be hard to snatch.

I'll be back but it is hard to know when.

Briefly ...

Rehab for mom is going as well as can be expected. I am happy with the place and mom is happy with the place but she would be happier home. She is still in a wheel chair, but I can tell she is getting stronger.

My days this week seem to be mostly on the road. Now in addition to my other normal trips, I include a 2-3 hour visit with mom. The trip out to her rehab is lovely, but it take 20-25 minutes each way. Last week I visited mom every day, making sure her adjustment was going smoothly. This week I planned to visit it most days - but skip one or two.

That was what I planned. But come the end of the week I will miss seeing her for 3 days in a row.

I got a call this morning that my Uncle (my most favorite Uncle) had died in Florida. Today has been very hard. I couldn't seem to restrain my tears. So many fond memories from my youth of visits to my Aunt and Uncle's house flooded my brain today. And with each memory, tears of sorrow at his passing.

This Uncle was married to my mom's sister. They would have celebrated 57 years of marriage tomorrow! So much sadness.

The viewing is in Florida at the end of the week. Since mom is safely housed in rehab, my sister and I will travel to Florida for the viewing.

So the week has been hard on a few levels. I am bone tired and emotionally drained.

I hope this thunder cloud that persists in following me this year passes on soon.

I just need a break.

***

Blogging will be sparse for awhile. Time has suddenly become pretty tight this week.