Mark Twain

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do ...
Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Hello? Is anyone out there still?

I sure hope so.

I have missed my blog home and my blog friends. I have missed writing. I feel like I have been un-anchored and set adrift. I feel like my previous life - my life before mom - is back and I don't feel comfortable with that new reality.

Mom went into Assisted Living 5 days ago. After 4+ weeks of sub acute rehab, it was determined that she could not safely return home. She could not get up the 20 steps she needed to climb to get into my house and she could not be left alone ever again. Although hearing that determination was hard, it was not surprising. I could see that she was not progressing as quickly as before. Her strength was still serious limited. Physical Therapy said that she had "plateaued" in her progress, and as a result must be released from therapy.

And so we worked to find a good place for her to live, one where I could rest easy that she was being taken well care of, and that she would have a social network to keep her occupied. Brooke Grove was the final choice ... the same community that provided her rehab. The setting, the staffing and the quality of attention to detail are outstanding in this organization. We were very lucky that she was accepted into this Assisted Living setting. Pictures and stories will still filter through my blog because I am still her regular daily companion, if not her primary caregiver.

But ...

I miss her more than you can ever know. The nights are the worst for me. I shed tears every night for what we have lost. I know she is sitting in her recliner watching TV in her new room ... just as we did together almost every night in my living room. But we are apart now and it weighs very heavy on my heart. I visit almost every day. She is angry at times, and she has a right to be angry. Her life has changed so much. And I am sad beyond understanding, and I have a right to be sad because this was not what I wanted. But our lives are changing and we both must adjust.

Tomorrow is the Holiday Family Party at her Assisted Living and I will have my camera handy. I will share our new lives with you. But please know that despite the smiling faces in the pictures, there is an internal struggle for us all.

Gosh ... I sure do hope someone is still out there!

11 comments:

  1. Of course we are still out here...floating around in the ether just like always.....
    This has been a very hard time for you and your mom and it will take a while for her to accept where she is and why. Although it's hard, try to remember that you have done this for her out of love. Eventually, she will come to realize this too.
    Good thoughts and prayers headed your way as you find the new path.

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  2. I'm still here and my heart goes out to you. I have no words of advice, but I am here and will continue to follow your journey as you invite us along with you. Take care.

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  3. I am out there and I have been in the same place you are and it is NOT fun. Good bless! sandie

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  4. I can truly understand how difficult this is for you...
    I would hug you if I could. ♥

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  5. Hi Elaine .. life is not easy .. and you have done your best - sometimes 'life' takes over .. I feel for you - but your mother will be well cared for - and you will be there - I take comfort from knowing that in the circumstances prevailing I still do my best for my mother - as you will. With many thoughts for you .. Hilary

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  6. Elaine I can understand your feelings. You just have to let go. God is taking care of mother.

    Hugs

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  7. I'm still here and happy to see you have made next steps. You and she will adjust - takes time.

    BE strong, missing her is natural - KNOW and OWN you have done all you can and the RIGHT thing for you both. Now you can enjoy a new kind of space together. Back to amazing daughter and away from daily care giver.

    HUGS, Prayers and loving thoughts sent to you, your mom and all who support you.

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  8. Of course we're still here, we've been waiting to hear from you. We're here to support YOU, to listen, and sometimes throw in our two cents. I feel your sadness, grief and guilt in this post. I'm in agreement, you must know you've done everything you could and then some. Your mother needs the help of trained professionals. Your mother needs you too. Continue to encourage, support, and love her, it will give her the strength she needs. Let go of your guilt, this is not your fault. It is another adjustment life, and it takes time, you'll need patience. We're here for you, Elaine. Gentle hugs and prayers.

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  9. I am here. I know that this is a hard time for you and your mother. You have done your absolute best, and she is where she needs to be. Life brings changes, sometimes before we want them or think we are ready for them. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  10. you know, you've done what you could. i know it pained you to have to agree to assisted living and it wasn't what anyone wanted for your mother but it is for the best and with time you will both adjust to the new routines.

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  11. Sorry I didn't see this much sooner. I had a feeling the move was a matter of safety for your mom. You defintely made the right decision, and you and your husband have been so wonderful for such a long time. I'm sure she still looks forward to your frequent visits, and I'm glad that your children have been such a huge help. Let me know if you ever want to talk more about this. Julie

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