Mark Twain

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do ...
Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Here

Sadness creeps in when I think about leaving this townhouse.  I miss this place already and I haven't even left it yet.



Growing up I never lived in a home we owned.  I was raised in rental properties and we move a few times before I got married.  As a married woman we moved a few times before settling here.   There was no place that had roots for me ... until here.

I've lived 31 of my 69 years in this spot.  My roots here are deep.  It has been sort of my silent partner through some of the toughest and happiest years of my life.  It has been a good place to live.

I raised a family here.

I supported two elderly relatives through their last years here.

I offered shelter to my adult children more than once here.

I watched my mother sit on the front porch for hours here.

I mourned the passing of my mom here.

I watched my mother-in-law suffer and die here.

I watched my husband lose his vision here.

I mourned the loss of 7 cats here.

I watched my son leave for the military here.

I worried every year he was in service here.

I watched my daughter struggle with the downs of job loss here.

I watched my son leave this house on his wedding day to start a new life here.

I welcomed friends and family through many many holidays here.

I welcomed a new daughter-in-law into our family here.

I snuggled and loved (beyond all reason) grand dogs here.

I struggled with my own demons in a demanding job here.

Here ...
the place I am preparing to sell because it no longer
supports my life in a safe and comfortable way.

I try to remember how lucky I have been to experience home ownership.  Much of the world doesn't have more than a hovel to call home.  I remind myself that when I am long gone from this earth this townhouse will still be here, sheltering another family I hope.  I instruct my silly self to focus on the fact this townhouse is an inanimate object, a structure - not a living being and my attachment is maybe a little bazaar.   All those life experiences live vibrantly in my mind only.

I know all that.

But I can't help the feeling that a major portion of my life experiences are embedded here - in the  walls, the air, the foundation.  And I can't box any of that up and take it with me.

I hope I don't cry during settlement when I sign this place away to someone else and walk away ... this place I called home for 31 years. This place with my roots.

How will they know how special 'here' is!   






7 comments:

  1. I have yet to experience what you are facing, but oh, I can put myself in your shoes and emotions! Leaving your home is going to tear the fabric of your life, and I know you would not be the first person to shed tears over signing that final document. IT'S OKAY to cry, to mourn. I will just pray that it doesn't paralyze you.

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    1. I won't be paralyzed. Not my nature to do that when action must be taken. There will be tears. I have shed a few already.

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  2. So much of our lives are embedded in long time homes! It isn't bizarre at all. Six years ago, my husband and I sold our home of 29 years and it was an emotional wrench even though our new home was brand new and twice the size (and half the price because we moved from L.A. to AZ). I still miss that little place at times. Our current next door neighbors were in L.A. a few years ago and went by our old house, took a picture and sent it to us as a postcard. It brought tears to my eyes and also a sense of gratitude that the new owners are taking good care of it and haven't changed a thing as far as I could see. Especially when a place is the first home you have ever owned and you've been in it for as many passages of life as you've been in that townhouse, it's perfectly normal to feel attachment to the place and a sense of loss when you leave it for the last time, even as you embrace the future somewhere else.

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    1. Actually this was our second town home. We lived in the first one for 10 years. But my life experiences there (beyond the fact it was my daughter's first home - after her birth), were minimal. The neighborhood did not hold up well. The structure was too small and had problems. The two homes just never compared. But the 30+ years here were filled with so many emotion filled experiences. I can still see my son stepping out the front door closing it behind him at 5:30 am as he left for military service. That image in burned in my brain ...

      But that part of my life is now over. All elder relatives are gone, all children have been successfully launched into their own lives, the house served it purpose. Now we must find a space that serves our needs better as seniors.

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  3. Even after you leave, those life experiences will carry on living in your mind. You were very lucky to have had such times in a house you loved. Your new house will soon build up new memories for you.

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  4. I feel your pain! Leaving a long-time home has to be hard. I will be doing that very thing sometime in the future. We have lived in this home for more than 26 years. I love how you shared your memories! Pack those memories up and take them with you to your new home!!

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  5. I've never lived any where for more than a few years but after reading all the things that you have experienced in your home I can understand how hard it will be to leave. When you've talked about the size of your house I pictured it very differently. Your townhouse appears much smaller in the photograph, she's a secretive girl isn't she? :-)

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