Apologies to my children

Have you ever felt like a deficiency in your personality

 is beyond your ability to fix?

Do you struggle with a "just nuts" personal behavior and you fear it will be part of your life until you draw your last breath?  To make matters worse, could this unwanted 'whatever' behavior be a burden to your family after you die.  And because you can't seem to change that 'whatever,' all you are left with is an apology?!?

Think on it!  I'll give you a moment.  What would you apologize for after you are dead?

It can't be the typical stuff like losing weight, exercising more or leading a healthier life, because that lack of self control only impacts you - and not those left behind after death!  Deficiencies in kindness, consideration, generosity, gratitude or love don't count either ... because, again, after your death, it doesn't impact anyone else.  In fact, if your are a selfish, insensitive clod in life, others might be glad when you are gone.  Ha!

But give it some thought.

Still no ideas?

Here is a hint!

You come into this life with absolutely nothing

 and you leave it exactly the same way.

I have told this story before but its worth repeating.  My Uncle died suddenly in his 90s. He died within a month of my mom's death. My cousin (his son) called me to offer condolences and to share a family story or two.  One story that made a BIG impression was the positive 'gift' he left for his children after death.  In settling his estate, his children entered his house to prepare it for sale. They discovered a house almost totally devoid of everything, except the actual items he needed for living.   Closets and cabinets were bare, counter and furniture tops were clear ...  the basics of living were all that was left.  Simplicity in its purest form.

Now why do I go through this elaborate exercise to only end up with an apology?

I don't believe my children follow my blog.  They may never receive this apology in the present.  But after I die and they are summing up all the little details of my life, (which I intend to leave as neat and tidy as my Uncle's house,)  they may come across this blog.  They may read the title - Apologies to My Children.  They might read and understand that I wasn't totally insensitive in the burden I left behind for them.

You see, despite all my other good intentions, there will be this mountain of yarn that will greet my children when they come into my condo.  Beautiful colors and wonderful fibers and luscious to the touch ...  all just waiting for someone who knits to pick them up and ease them into a perfect project.  *sigh*.  It pains me to know that much of my yarn will 'out live' me ... still waiting in their turn in balls and cakes and skeins ... patiently waiting and waiting.

I have long since accepted that I can't fix this yarn hoarding problem.  Yes, I downsized yarn, books and knitting tools when we moved. Prior to that I did a massive inventory of exactly how much yarn I had.  That was an eye opening and embarrassing experience.  It did slow the flow of yarn into the house.  I even revised that inventory a second time - only to discover that despite my best efforts, I couldn't knit faster than I could buy yarn.  But still I struggled manage this.  I deleted yarn vendor emails.  I stopped buying knitting books.  I didn't visit local yarn shops.  I only shopped for knitting patterns that would work for yarn already in my stash!!

But there were some exceptions to this 'yarn fasting.'   I did go to Yarn Fairs during the year - only 2 fairs and yarn was purchased there in very modest amounts (read: normal amounts for normal people.)  And when babies joined our family, cashmere, merino and silk just didn't seem quite right for children's clothes.  So acrylic yarns were added to my stash.  I also added a small amount of fat yarn to my stash - I needed a palette cleansing after almost a year of skinny yarns.  And in my defense, the acrylic and fat yarn did get used.

But then this month I saw this pattern.

Nuallan Cape by Jen Pierce
Knit Picks

Darn!!  I bought the pattern only - 'cause I love it.   I was sure I had something in my stash that this cape would work well in.   I didn't!!  Double Darn! So I went out to Knit Picks just to look at the yarn they used.  Knit Picks yarn is very reasonably priced, but I would need 2200 yards of it for my size.  That's a lot of yarn.  I hesitated.  I set the pattern aside.  I tried to forget about it for now.  I talked myself out of purchasing the yarn.  Focus, focus, focus.  You have enough yarn!

Then Knit Picks ran a 10% off sale on that very reasonably priced yarn - with free shipping.

Done!

The yarn is sitting my condo ... waiting and waiting!  *sigh*.

So ... to my children!!  I am very sorry that when I die you will have to plow your way through so much yarn at my death.  I will leave detailed instructions on how to proceed with clearing out this stash and getting it to good homes with loving knitters.  You might consider burying some of the better choice yarns with me and some knitting needles - just in case there is no yarn in heaven.

So sorry, so sorry.

In an effort to redeem myself, I will work on my list of project for 2020.  I will do my best to avoid these impulse purchases.  But I won't go into any 12-step program to fix this problem.  I just don't wanna!!  I will apologize over and over again - probably until the day I die.  And I will keep knitting.

Dear children.  So sorry.  Love, your mom!