I know I took another blog break. Shorter this time. Not planned. Not intended. But still a quiet time in my blogging life.
But a small evolution seems to be happening. Not yet sure yet where it is heading. But interesting to watch all the same.
I have always been driven by structure and goals and lists and to-dos. Always ... my whole life. I don't remember anything different. Now all that seems so unimportant.
I spend a lot of time thinking. I may start out reading or playing a video game or knitting or weaving, but I find myself unexpectedly looking out the window ... thinking. I look down to what is in my hands and see that I did one row of knitting 30 minutes ago and then stopped. The day comes to an end and nothing observable has been accomplished. The to-do list has the same items on it as it did 3 days ago. Wow, that is so not me!
Oh, meals get made and doctor appointments are attended and time with friends happens ... and there are days of continuous activity where house cleaning and decluttering gets done - like today. But mostly ... if my butt hits the couch, major parts of my day seem to drift out of focus with little to show for it ... except for thinking.
It is like I sit in someone else's body - and the "real me" is off slaying dragons somewhere.
I can't help but wonder if the real me is changing.
The real me, who kept putting one foot in front of the other while juggling several balls in the air and swinging a figurative sword at anyone who got in her way ... and chewing gum at the same time ... for 8 years of caregiving, that "real me" feels like a stranger.
I am beginning to think that slaying dragons is for other folks now.
I think ...
... I think I like the new me.
6 comments:
It sounds like your body is taking a well earned rest and using the break to plan a different future. I was pleased to see your last sentence!
It's a luxury to have time to just think and contemplate. Your brain has been starved for this time. Just enjoy it, don't over think it...roll with it. You need this.
Glad that you're blogging, still. And glad that you're taking time just to be......
Although I feel as though I keep busy, knitting, straightening up, meal times,etc. there are times that I am not able to get past the not having to do...well anything, if I don’t want to. It is a luxury, really, I know that. But then there is that nagging inside voice which questions my worth now that my 9-5 stint has been completed. But I have to say “navel study” does have tremendous value, most definitely.
Your mind and body are taking this opportunity to regroup and heal after all the stress and hard work of the past 8 years. I think you are going to LOVE the new you.
I find winter brings this type of behavior out in me. I believe we are supposed to have these kinds of restful period where our bodies rest yet our minds are active. But who knows you may just be catching up from all the years you were too busy to contemplate much beyond the to-do lists. :-)
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