Life never ever goes in the way you think it will.
Never.
I am returning to this space that gave me a place to sort out my thoughts, my emotions, my experiences and my choices. It is the space that got me through the most difficult 8 years of my life - caregiving for my mom.
In the blink of an eye, I am back - in a role I never thought I would take on again. Caregiving.
With mom, I didn’t have a clear picture of what the future would be. I just knew I had the heart and the means to offered her a helping hand during a time in her life when it was needed. I was, of course, naive. It was so much more than a “helping hand.” It became a vocation that devoured my whole life. From that suffocating role, this blog was born. It was my out! My way of holding onto bits and pieces of the me I was loosing as a full time caregiver.
This time I am pretty sure of what the path ahead holds for me. I am not naive. And that realization fills me with dread. I am also just as sure this path ahead will invade new and different areas of my heart and soul - because the caregiving now is for my husband. Helping my husband (and myself) navigate his difficult journey of Esophageal Cancer will invade more of me in ways I can’t even begin to imagine. Just like before I am seeking to leave a history and possibly a “bread crumb” trail back to myself ... a trail to follow when I am no longer caregiving.
I began this blog with no followers, and I suspect I am returning to this blog the same way. But I am at peace with that. As I have always done, I write the blog for me and to me. I write so that I can create a history. I write so that I can find my way back again to a new normal at the end.
But if anyone does show up here - I welcome you back. Not because I seek admiration or confirmation of any kind. In my experience, humans are caring social creatures. Having a place to gather - even if it is a remote gathering space like a blog is worth its weight in gold!
So I will return here soon to document the first steps we have already taken just this past week.
4 comments:
I am still following, and was thrilled to see a new post from you in my Blogger Reading List – then devastated for you when I read the reason why. I am here for you; you can share of yourself and cry on my shoulder, and hear my assurances that YOU are still there, even when you feel completely consumed by your new caregiving role.
I am still following too, ready to listen. When you are ready…
I am so glad I kept a link to your blog on my blog, Elaine. I haven't been on the computer much the last week and a half, and on my blog, not at all, and I had noticed you are back. What you wrote about how this blog serves you was beautiful. Perfectly said. I am so sorry to hear that your husband has cancer, and all that that means for the two of you going forward. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
What Michelle said. And I'm so sorry that your husband has this diagnosis.
Post a Comment