The Day Our Lives Changed

 In April when I stopped blogging, life was quite normal for this 77 year old couple, married 55 years last June. We expected changes as our bodies approached their “use by” date.  We kept up with our screenings, vaccinations and physician check ins.  Yes, I had that pesky kidney tumor issue last year and since then have seen a great number of doctors about various issues.  You know when you really start looking you just find stuff.  But that tumor was not cancer and all my hyper vigilant doctors were winding down their oversight over my body (finally!). 

Exactly a week ago today, as my husband and I discussed his upcoming EGD on Tuesday, we had no indication of a problem. The EGD was for confirmation of reflux.  Think on it!  Probably half the population has some sort of acid reflux. Routine, routine, routine.  My first glimmer that this wasn’t routine was on Tuesday after the EGD.  The doctor came into the recovery area and stated immediately that they had found something.  It was a 4 cm mass in his esophagus.  The doctor showed me the pictures (my husband is blind) and said he put a rush on the biopsies.  As we got up to leave, the doctor looked directly at me and said, "I am very glad we did this procedure today. Very glad.”  I knew then what the result would be.  The doc never said the word “cancer” but having worked in health care myself, I recognized the buzz words. the urgency and the body language. He knew.  

And I knew.  I could feel my heart pounding in my chest.

We went home. I wanted to be wrong.

On Wednesday morning we decided to go to the senior gym.  As we walked into the building, my right leg suddenly buckled and intense pain radiated in all directions from the knee. I never experienced anything with that intensity and lack of warning.  We moved to the wall, I took an arthritis strength Tylenol and applied Voltaron, an anti-inflammatory cream, on my knee.  Normally the cream takes less than a minute to start to work.  Nothing.  We stumbled back to the car and headed home.  The drive was short and thank God uneventful - but very painful. The tylenol and the Voltaron wasn’t touching this. Weight bearing - every step - was a teeth grinding effort.

Once at home while pondering what to do about the knee, the call from the GI office came in.  They wanted to see my husband in the office that day.  This confirmed in my mind that this was cancer!  They didn’t want to do this over the phone. After we hung up, I said the cancer word out loud. I wanted him to get prepared for the very strong possibility of that diagnosis.  But ... how was I going to get him there? We had just made it home from the gym trip, but I couldn’t stand upright ... more walking and more driving seemed impossible. He doesn’t drive.

Thankfully our son is local.  He came and took his dad to the appointment. I was linked in by phone.

GI wanted him seen within 2 weeks with an Oncology practice.  While they were driving back home, I was on the phone to the Hematology/Oncology Practice that both my husband and I were already established with due to anemia.  By dinner time I had him on our hematologist/oncologist schedule for 11:30 am. That dear man double booked my husband onto his schedule.  His assistant said - there might be a wait, but he wants to see you. I was so grateful.  When I had my kidney tumor, it took me two weeks to get on a surgeon’s schedule and I had to go to a neighboring city to get THAT appointment!!

Looking back on that day, it was filled with dread and pain and frustration.  I don’t think either of us recognized the realities of this condition at that point.  He was walking around feeling fine.  It had a kind of surreal feel to it - and a mental numbness for me, that sets in the moment a bad thing happens and I need to be fully functional and take action.  

The emotion that typically follows such an announcement didn’t bubble up until the third day. And to be really honest, I don’t think it has all come out even yet - a week later.

The next day had its funny moments and sobering ones.  Next time ...