Through My Care Giver Eyes - Isolation

There are a few emotions related to care giving that I never anticipated. And some of these emotions have changed who I am as a person.

One is social isolation.

The short version is this: as the elderly person's scope narrows, the care giver's scope can also narrow.

As I mentioned previously, it is not uncommon to find the social connections, hobbies, physical abilities and health of the elderly narrow resulting in a very home bound life. Sometimes keeping up socially is "just too much trouble" for the elderly. And if this happens it can impact the care giver as well.

I have been a social person most of my life. Projecting my life into my retirement ... I anticipated many things that would keep me outside the home. I was never one to gain energy from being at home or time alone.

For example, here are activities I could joyfully predict would fill my life with if there were no constraints.

Tai Chi

Knitting Groups (I attend only one - there are three.)

Book Discussion Groups

Exercise - walking, Curves, Yoga

Visiting friends

Art classes at the local community college

Day trips

Vacations and Travel

Cat and Dog Shows

Crafts and Craft Shows

Volunteer activities at local animal shelters or wild life center

Shopping

Light hiking

Dog park visits with my grand babies

Beach trips with friends

Movies

Exhibits - live in the Washington Baltimore corridor - there is a lot to do

If you examine this partial list carefully, most take place outside the home.

My reality now is that being "around the house" is necessary if you want to know what is going on and to assist with certain tasks. Being "around" is what Mom seems to need as well. When I am gone, she "forgets" where I am, she frets, she waits, she worries ...

So I have tried to find ways to develop pastimes and hobbies that keep me at home, but keep me isolated. They all tended to be the kinds of activities that would appeal to a hermit, not a social butterfly.

My activities look alot like this ...

Knitting, weaving, spinning

Blogging

Ipad games

Pod Casts

Reading - Audio books

TV

Dog sitting

House keeping - Decluttering

Inviting friends to our house

I enjoy these all activities, but the list is much shorter, and it is more solitary. I have managed to hold onto my Tuesday morning knitting group time away from the house. But knitting group is a single social event in a great waste land of solitary activities.

Despite everything I have said to this point, I am NEVER really alone. Mom, my husband, my kids, my granddogs ... they pretty much fill my life. I am grateful for them. But I have grown to greatly value my alone time. For example, driving to pick up my grand dogs is one such alone activity I truly enjoy. Just me with my thoughts (and thousands of Washington Baltimore drivers - but they don't count.) When Mom asks if she can go with me, I usually tell her no. I feel bad because she could use some time out of the house as well, but I need that time for me. My walks (infrequent as of late) are another alone time that I cherish. I used to enjoy walking with my husband. Now walking alone is more satisfying. Crazy as it sounds, if I could take a week's vacation by my self - I would be in heaven.

Some solitary activities are desired, others are not.

The person writing this blog post today is very different the person who started on the care giving journey 5 years ago. I am a person with limited ability and energy to give. I used to think there was no bottom to my giving nature. There is. I value my alone time more now than I ever did before. I find my alone time to be a precious commodity. I am a person who experienced great disappointment and loss in this journey and it has changed me. Solitary time is sometimes more rewarding than all the social and familial activities that I once enjoyed.

Contractions? Maybe.

It all comes down to an isolation that I didn't seek out but accept as part of my role - my care giver role. Someday that role will disappear. It will be interesting to see if the current changes to my nature, my personality, remain.

I believe that some life experiences mark you, change you, permanently.

I feel changed.

You know it is Halloween because ...

... weird stuff shows up.

The Brain Slugs I made and showed in a previous posting

were part of a Halloween Costume for my son and his fiancee.

Yesterday they went to the Halloween Party.

And of course, they had to pose for a picture.

Here is the final product.

Cute - now that I know a little more about what I was making.

If you want to know a little more follow this link.

I sure I am the only one who was clueless about Futurama and Brain Slugs.

Rainy Ride

Today was Thursday! Thursday is the day I drive into Bethesda to pick up Milo. Come with me on my trip!

Although it was rainy, the first part of the trip down Route 95 was pretty tame.

But this was just the first 5 minutes. This weekly trip can take the normal 30 minutes or it can take 2 1/2 hours ... one way!

Don't move to the Washington DC area unless you can tolerate traffic.

Of course, I generally have a reward built into the beginning of the trip.

A Frappe Mocka with an extra shot of expresso. Whip cream and a cherry on the top, frosty ice cream with chocolate and coffee flavors. Yumm ... It is 8 points on my diet, but worth every point. And I count it as lunch since I am not hungry after drinking it.

However, this is probably my last one. The last few have upset my stomach a bit - having problems with GI regurg and this treat seems to set off gas symptoms. Boo.

As I approached the Washington Beltway the traffic picked up. So typical. But the back up is moving.

I am always surprised when I can make this trip without a back up. Of course with rain, you can almost count on traffic delays.

Soon the traffic breaks up on the Beltway, but if you look to the left, it is a "parking lot" on the other side of the road.

Oh well. Maybe it will be gone when I make the return trip. (HA!) If not, I am prepared.

Yes, knitting!! In fact, my husband suggested I bring a bed roll! Maybe a tooth brush and tooth paste. LOL

I will have my knitting and my Milo so I will be happy.

Finally! Milo's home.

And look who is waiting!

Bet his mom told him that his Grandma was coming.

Smiling? Yes, I think so.

Ready to get in the car!

"Hey look everyone, I am going to Grandma's."

The traffic did not disappoint! A bear of a trip back to Grandma's.

"But I am with Grandma, so who cares."

"Ah, Grandma, who is driving the car if one hand is one me and one hand is on the camera?"

Dear Milo. that is what knees are for.

(Actually we were stopped ... really.)

Almost home - thankfully! Love the fall colors even in the dismal weather.

"I think we are here!!"

"Grandma, we are here, right? I think I see Blitz, my friend."

Another safe trip to Bethesda and back under our belts!!

End Result

Besides the fun projects in previous posts, my days were filled with dog sitting, vet visits for sick dogs, and dinner company. I most definitely was not idle during the blogging break.

I have been almost daily blogger since I began writing in July 2010. And I have loved every moment. The brainstorming of ideas, the writing of postings, getting the pictures, launching and reading the comments ... all great fun. And the social and emotional needs that lead me to blogging were met.

Blogging, however, is very time consuming. I don't know how others write, but for me it is a multi-step process. It goes something like this:

• Ah - a possible idea idea!
• Drop the idea in a draft post.
• Write free form whatever my fingers and brain decide.
• Read it - it is crap ... what were my brain and fingers thinking?
• Re-write.
• Read again.
• Edit, edit, edit.
• Take pictures
• Organize and name pictures on my computer.
• Upload.
• Edit some more.
• Pick a date and "Publish."
• Edit daily until the publish date arrives (shouldn't be necessary but I still find ways to simplify, correct, fix grammar ... right up to the end).

I knew blogging was time-consuming, but when I took a break, I became so productive in the house with other stuff, I was a bit embarrassed by the time I had spent on the computer.

So the long and short of this posting is that my blogging schedule will slow a bit. I can't spend so much time on the computer.

I know that most successful blogs publish everyday, sometimes several times a day. I will try to blog 4 times a week.

We will see how that goes. And maybe I will have time to catch up on reading all your blogs as well.

Cheers!

The Cassidy

One other knitting project has been started while I was on a blogging break.

I usually don't have 2 sweaters on the needles on the same time, but I had a bit of "start-itis" and felt the need to cast on a few big projects.

I have waited a long time to start this particular sweater so I put it on the needles as soon as possible.

This lovely hoodie, The Cassidy, has been on my to-do list for probably 3 years. I love to knit cables and this one has a bunch. But the cables are described as low bulk cabling - or cables that lie very flat to the body and as such, do not add bulk to the wearer (always a good thing.)

I am not far along but I am past the "dangerous periods" for others nearby ... the rest should be smooth sailing.

This yarn is called Mas Acero. It is 60% wool, 24% silk and 16% viscose. It comes from Brooke's Farm in Lancaster, Texas. Brooke's Farm is one of my "absolutely must go to and buy from vendors" at the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival. If I have any money left after visiting them, I shop with others.

Believe it or not, this yarn is red - my display shows it as orange - a nice orange, but not the actual color.

The yarn has a light feel to the hand and wonderful drape. I have had this yarn about 3 years as well.

I started the Cassidy after I started other projects. Casting on went very smoothly. Minimal swearing. No one needed to leave the room. No ripping out. No wine.

Big improvement really.

Knitting, it is just like riding a bike ... only with swearing.

:-)

Progress ... of a kind

This is my favorite yarn of all time.

It has been discontinued by Classic Elite and is now on clearance at Webs. I am soooo sad it is going away for good, but happy to finally get some on almost 50% off.

This color is called Azalea. Isn't beautiful? I have had this yarn for only about 3 weeks and it already has an extensive history with me.

I cast on for a sweater after a whole day of trying to get the correct gauge in multiple swatches. Knitted from the hem up, the sweater is constructed in one piece, so it began with a few hundred stitches. I can't tell you how many times I counted and counted and counted to get the number exactly right. It was a struggle for some darn reason. I didn't think counting could be so tough.

Finally the count was right.

This is the sweater I was working on.

Yes, "was".

The first 6 rows were a breeze - then the problems began. Do the cable set up row, get the stitch markers in place correctly, count stitches ... count is wrong ... take the stitch markers out, replace the markers, count again ... wrong again, (swear) ... take them out again, count, add a stitch or two to get the count right, add the markers ... count ... WRONG AGAIN!!

(Swear loudly)

(Husband innocently comments out loud how much fun I appear to be having!)

It is so long since he has seen me knit anything complicated, he forgets that there is a danger period for by-standers.

I glare.

He remembers.

He retreats!

Then I finally get the count right. I read the stitch instructions, I knit a whole row. I knit it WRONG!!!

Clearly ... I am out of practice at this knitting thing. Guess I am now just a "knitter", and not a "Knitter"!!

I unknit several hundred stitches (several hundred frick'en stitches) - using swear words that I haven't used for 18 months.

Husband is no where to be seen.

Finally I get it right.

I knit about 4 inches of this sweater (one heck of a lot of knitting).

I look at my work. Everything looks right ... except ... I decide I don't like the match of this yarn to this pattern. I just don't like it.

I set the project aside.

I go to the kitchen.

I pour myself some wine.

I take a big gulp.

I go back.

I look again.

Nope!

It has to go.

Another big gulp of wine!!

I rip out all 4 inches. I wasn't using this "favored of all yarns" on the wrong pattern.

But I was not deterred!

I found 4 other possible patterns. But this time I already knew my gauge with this yarn and needles so I picked a pattern that matched that gauge. Sort of a backwards process but no matter.

Big smile on face! (the wine helped) I was knitting again.

I cast on for a new sweater, called The February Lady Sweater. This pattern begins at the neck and knits down to the hem (a top down sweater). I had decided to change the pattern a bit, but 4 inches into knitting the sweater I determined that I didn't like one of my changes.

!!!Damn!!!

(Actually I am way past that word now ...

I am on to bigger, better, more colorful swear words!)

My husband is no where to be seen, and now my mom and the cats have left the room as well!

Once AGAIN, I ripped it all out.

What you are seeing is my third attempt with the yarn! And I think I have it right this time.

I think!

Anyway, all these attempts have not dampened my love of this yarn or for knitting this sweater. The yarn is soft, beautifully dyed with slight tonal changes, and produces a beautiful fabric.

The swearing and dangerous period for on-lookers has passed.

The family and pets have returned to the room.

The Knitter has also returned!

:-)

The Martians Have Landed

Brain Slug

That is what I am knitting. Actually 2 of them! One for my son and one for his fiancee.

No really! Here are the pictures.

One for him.

One for her.

It is an actual pattern.

I don't make this stuff up!

I knew when I began this project using the unpleasant, cheap, squeaky acrylic yarn that made my hands hurt because it wouldn't give on the needles, ... I knew I had to do something different with the second one. Yes ... female. Easier to add some bows and a ruffle, than to add gonads.

And when I showed this pattern to the folks in my knitting group ... some said "cool".

COOL??

Really??

While I was on knitting break did the martian pods come down to earth from outer space and inhabit every one's brains? Or was everyone just so happy to see me knitting again. They would have said "cool" to anything I knitted.

(You wanted to see the stitches up close, right?)

For years I have waited for my son to say,

"Mom, can you make me a sweater, or a pair of socks, or a scarf."

Years, I tell you.

And when he finally forms the words in his mouth ...

"Mom, can you make me a ..."

He finishes the sentence with ...

"Brain Slug"

Really?

*sigh*

Do you think this is a test? Do you think I passed?

If anyone out there responds "cool," I will know just how far the martians have invaded my world!

I wonder what he will ask for next.