After the flood of shock, emotions and unanswered questions have passed and the initial appointments are set into motion, there is a pause. Like a hurricane, at first there is the rush and furry, then there is the calm of the eye or the center of the storm - usually quiet - until the hurricane returns again.
We are in the eye of this hurricane right now.
Last week was so stressed and filled with worry. And now, because we are waiting on my husband’s PET Scan appointment, there is quiet ... time to let other issues surface.
My biggest blessing amid all this scary medical stuff. Our adult children. No matter how hard you prepare - how hard you seek to remain independent as an elderly adult - the realities of aging can overwhelm you at times. Having family to help is the biggest gift of our lives. But our adult children - well, I am in awe of the wonderful people they have become. When you are in the middle of raising a child to adulthood, one of the things you provide without even thinking is a life safety net. It never crosses your mind that this little person in the middle of a “terrible two” melt down or a crazy teen who is driving you to distraction on any given day - will grow up to offer that same safety net to you when your body starts to fail. That’s what happened to us in this hurricane. A safety net suddenly appeared just when we needed it.
As I write now, it has been 6 days since my right knee painfully buckled under me. It has improved. It is back to its previous condition - a little painful at times, somewhat stiff. I don’t use a walker or cane for everyday use. I do use a cane when I first rise in the morning and carry it when I leave the house, because I just don’t trust the knee yet. With heat, meds, and rest, I am functional. With PT, in the future I may feel confident enough to leave the cane behind completely. But for now, every day is an improvement over the next. Which is a good thing, because I don’t need to be 'the floor show' for the oncology waiting room every time we go - and we will be going to their office frequently since both chemo and radiation treatments are done there.
Am I under a doctor’s care? Yes. In fact, I saw a doctor for this knee 2 weeks ago. It has been cranky for more than a year, but I good at ignoring every little ache or pain. I guess my right knee felt the need to make a more dramatic impression - “Let's see how you do with only one good leg” kind of impression!!😂 An argument could be made that I deserved this knee failure - shame on me for ignoring the little signals for so long. I agree. It was just the timing that was so, so sucky!!!! Anyway, I did contact the doctor when this all happened - but he wanted me in PT. Ironically my first PT visit was scheduled for the same day as my knee buckled. I had to cancel that appointment. In that moment, that 2 day period, my husband’s needs trumped all others. PT has been rescheduled. The tentative diagnosis is a torn meniscus - and arthritis. The arthritis was seen on x-ray back in 2017 and has only slightly gotten worse as seen on a repeat x-ray 2 weeks ago. The torn meniscus is an assumption for the sudden onset of pain. An MRI would be needed to confirm that. But as my doctor said, if you have arthritis, they do not do surgery to correct a torn meniscus, because the arthritis pain will still be there. PT is my only option - and if that fails, cortisone injections.
But with the quiet of this storm comes the swirling thoughts and fears. I Googled Esophageal Cancer - the survival rates, the treatments, the problems. The information is ... well ... concerning. I don’t recommend the internet for medical information, but if you go to trusted sites you can get a general sense of the disease. What are the cure rates? How sick will this chemo and radiation make him? Are there drugs to counter the side effect? How long do chemo and radiation treatments typically last? What if they aren’t successful?
Questions beyond that ... I just cannot make them real by typing them here yet. But those last unspoken questions just won’t leave me alone. They torment almost every silent moment.
I almost welcome the noise of the returning hurricane.
5 comments:
I think the internet is both a blessing and a curse. Especially when it comes to health information. Your questions are all valid ones! When I'm searching, always in my mind is the question of how honest the information is. Is it factual or are they only trying to get me to buy a product or service? As someone once said, "I have just enough information to hurt myself." It's hard to be patient to get the answers.
Hurray for doing a good job raising your children! It's a big job to raise responsible adults, but what a blessing once you get there.
It is hard to stay away from the internet for medical info but it is essential sometimes. Your children are a blessing. Lean on them. They will help you through. It is easy to forget our own needs when we are in the hurricane of a family health issue. The physio will help and the time involved can be a respite from the storm. Take care!
I've just caught up on this and your other recent posts. So sorry to hear all that you are going through. I'm glad your knee is improving and yes, even though you may hate it, keep the cane with you - it might avoid a trip or fall that will set you back in your recovery. As for your husband, of course it's a worrying time and many of us look to the internet for answers even though it may throw up more questions. All I would suggest on that point is write your questions down and take them to the relevant appointments so that you get the information you need. It's easy to come out from an appointment wishing you'd asked something but forgotten at the time. Of course you may not like the answers but I think dealing with certainty is preferable to imagining scenarios that may seem worse than the reality. I'm glad you have adult children who are supportive. My other advise would be to take advantage of any help and support offered. Take care of yourself or you will not be able to be the caregiver you need to be.
Well crud. Really sorry to hear that I might have been right about your knee. As you know, have torn lateral menisci in both my knees and it just sucks. And yes, please stay on sites like the American Cancer website to gather information about your husband's diagnosis. It will also likely provide you with a list of questions to ask the oncology doc. I got a lot of my questions to ask my surgeon from that website at the beginning of my own cancer journey. I'm so very glad your children are nearby - and that they are so there for you.
I realize you are at a bit of a different place at this point I am reading this post, but before I go on to catch up with your sagas, I just want to cheer you on for being a great parent who raised great kids. It is a blessing when they reach out and help us in our times of physical need.
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