C is for Caring.
"To care for those who once cared for us is one of the highest honors."
Tia Walker,
The Inspired Caregiver: Finding Joy While Caring for Those You Love
"To care for those who once cared for us is one of the highest honors."
Tia Walker,
The Inspired Caregiver: Finding Joy While Caring for Those You Love
I often ponder the idea of how one human can dedicate a significant portion of their own life to care for another human while others approach this topic with "can't" sprinkled liberally through their vocabulary.
In this post I am focusing the scope of 'caring' to meet the physical needs of another human who cannot meet their own needs. In those terms most people immediately think of caring for infants - who obviously, when born, would die without direct care of another mature human. Nature has hard wired "caring" into most of us with infants and children so our species continues. (Very wise, Mother Nature.)
The best example of this 'caring' reaction was demonstrated when my grand daughter was born. My son became a father for the first time in his 40s - later than most. When his daughter was born, he shared with me an interesting personal discovery. "You know, I generally find the sound of crying children annoying. I don't know if it is biological or not - but I don't feel that way with my daughter when she cries."
My immediate thought ... Yes, son, it is most definitely biological! 😃 That's why I let you live through your teen age years. Biology!!
What does this have to do with retirement and aging?
Retirement
My own retirement was launched prematurely - at age 59 - due to the needs of an aging mother with dementia.
I was fortunate that my financial foundation allowed that choice. But still, it was a choice. I chose to take care of her. I could have chosen differently. The caring impulse that was activated in me at the birth of my children was triggered again with my mom when she started to fail. I had to step in and actively provide assistance and care. In my brain, it was simply something I had to do.
My first 8 years of retirement - I "worked" without pay for her benefit - my heart and my soul would allow nothing less.
But ... was it biology - some hard wired caring reaction? And how many folks take that step into retirement for reasons of elder care or care of grand children? How many early retirees risk reduced incomes in their own futures because of choices like these? I have no doubt my own retirement income was impacted by retiring early, but I also consider myself fortunate to have had those 8 years at mom's side. Was it a good trade off? I think so. There are lots of things we can't afford to do now, but could I have lived with the choice of continuing to work and let the chips fall where they may with my mom? No. I would do it all exactly the same way again.
And yet ... there are many who feel very differently. I have had many conversations on this subject, only to find that my choice to care for my mom would not be their choice with their parents. Oh yes, if it was their adult child - they would set their lives aside to provide care, but not for a parent. It is a very complicated decision for some when addressing elder care issues. But for me - the choice was clear.
Aging
In my caregiving years with mom, I was exposed to tons of other senior citizens in all stages of independence or dependence. I had a chance to see 'world class caregiver families' who surrounded and cared for their failing relatives from the moment they became aware there was a problem. Obviously the caring response was alive and well in their family nucleus.
I also saw a range of other reactions to failing elders - that swung all the way to absence entirely. The memories of those isolated elders break my heart when I recall them ... and I wasn't even related to them. Where is that caring response - the one that erupts without hesitation for an infant, but cannot be found for an infant-like elder who can no longer safely take care of themselves? Maybe Mother Nature only inserts the caring response for the purposes of continuation of the species. Maybe what is needed for elder care is not a caring gene.
Maybe what is missing is:
Compassion!
(another C word)
22 comments:
Living far away from a parent is difficult. I spent time as much time with my mother as I could and was lucky enough to be there with her the last week before she died suddenly. That last week was a gift.
I am currently caretaker to my aged mother. I'm coming to realize that she is experiencing dementia. I was never my mother's favorite child, yet I'm the one who is "farm girl" strong enough to take on the caretaker role. I think of a friend who loved her grandfather dearly, the same man who sexually molested her mother. Sometimes there's a reason why adult children can't take on a caregiving role. Relationships are complex and sometimes bridges were burnt.
Good comments, both. I live achingly far from my mom and step-dad, who I wish I could help more. My step-dad would never move this direction (born a Texan, always a Texan), but my mom would in a heartbeat if he passes. With my birth dad, now gone, the relationship was much more complicated, like Mona mentioned....
Anyway, "C is for Compassion" was a perfect ending. Better than "love," which we too often equate with a feeling. Both are a choice, though – the RIGHT choice, IMO!
Compassion is indeed required when caring for the elderly. I believe some adult children find it difficult to accept frailty in their parents or fear the aging process. Caring for a child offers visions of accomplishment rather than deterioration.
http://gail-baugniet.blogspot.com
Compassion is indeed required when caring for the elderly. I believe some adult children find it difficult to accept frailty in their parents or fear the aging process. Caring for a child offers visions of accomplishment rather than deterioration.
http://gail-baugniet.blogspot.com
A very interesting take on the subject. Our parents are in their 90s, still living at home - through the caring and compassion of my middle sister who does have both those traits hardwired. I do not. I had a difficult relationship with my father, who now has dementia, so I struggle with the change in our relationship now. I do believe that some people (you and my sister included) are wired in a special way. What I would think of as a heavy burden, my sister embraces with love.
My Dad lived with us and we took care of him till he died. It was hard but I'm so glad we were able to do it.
My mother, who passed in 2014 at 85, was slow, but did pretty well after my step-father died. My youngest sister moved in with her and was able to work from home. There was also other family nearby so that was a big help. Since I lived a couple thousand miles away I couldn't help that much on the spot, but I called my mother nearly every single day for several years.
I hope I can mostly take care of myself until I take off from this world, but we just don't know what will happen.
Arlee Bird
Tossing It Out
Well written post! My six siblings really stepped up when my dad declined after living with prostate cancer for many years, and then dementia as well at the end of his time on earth. We took turns visiting him at home and in hospital and hospice. Some of my sibs lived nearby and this was easier for them. I know my dad felt very loved in his last days and I wouldn't trade the time I had with him for anything. It changes a person. As my mom gets older and becomes less able to be independent, I know we will do the same for her. Parent/adult child relationships are much more complicated than newborns with parents, and it can be a difficult decision for some. I get that.
My mother had dementia but it would have been hard to care for her at home - we have a lot of stairs, our teenage son was still at home but perhaps the most compelling reason for opting for a care home was that Mum had always said I should arrange for her to go into a home when the time came. She knew from experience how hard caring for a parent can be. We were fortunate enough to find a home less than a mile away so I was able to visit frequently and make sure she was well looked after.
Distance is a real problem with many people. Nuclear families are almost a thing of the past. And that issue alone complicates elder care. So glad you got to spend significant time with your mom before her death.
I agree. Relationships are complex. I like to think that in a perfect world, that others could at least relieve the caregiver for a period of time - giving that person a break. Or arrange meals once in awhile so all the responsibility doesn't fall directly on one person. Having been that caregiver with all the responsibility myself - those small helps would have been most appreciated.
But you are right. Bridges can be burned - permanently.
Thanks, Michelle. There is no absolutely correct or wrong answer. Just shades of gray. But 'help' for the caregiver is another way to contribute as I mentioned to Mona.
Sorry you are so far away from your mom and step-father. Distance and non-nuclear families complicate these issues so much.
True that accepting the reality of a parent's frailty and failing is hard. Hard for everyone. But it doesn't change the realities of what is happening and what is needed. I don't want to seem hard. I shed many tears and fears on my mother's behalf. It changed nothing. Sometimes you have to dig deep.
How fortunate that your parents lived so long without problems. They are the lucky few. You are also lucky to have your sister. No matter how much patience and love she exhibits, just remember she needs caring as well ... a break for an afternoon off, or maybe some meals made she doesn't have to make herself. - or maybe just a listening ear with no judgement. I would have welcomed any of that during those long years.
Yes, Karen. I remember you told me that. You understand living with no regrets. I have no regrets even though the years were tough at times.
Distance is one of the biggest things that complicates senior care. Our society has lost that nuclear family that was the safety net for seniors. But those phone calls made a big difference to your mom - I know that for sure - being a mom myself.
We all wish that we can take care of ourselves until the end. If there was a gene in a bottle and I got one wish - that would be mine. :-)
Your family is one of those "world class families" that I met during mom's time on earth - all members pitched in to help in some way - with the elder person feeling very loved and fortunate. It is what we all wish for.
If dementia follows its normal path without failure of something else - like a heart attack - you are right. That cannot be managed at home. Mom lived her last year of life in a nursing home - something I promised would never happen to her - but there was no choice. I could not manage her physically. So glad you were able to visit frequently. That is the key to successful care in a nursing home.
A watchful unpredictable eye on what is going on. I feel VERY strongly about that.
Trying the new embedded commenting; looks like it will work just fine!
I am very glad to hear that!!
I and another member of my family were in a car accident. My Grandmother came and stayed, helping us, and my Dad, who was working at the time. Albeit this was temporary, I know she would have done the same thing, had there been a more permanent situation. And I know Mama would have been on the first flight out to help Grandma, had she needed it. So yes, caring and compassion. To facets of the same diamond...
Cat
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