I feel like I need to whine! And not the good kind like a tasty Cabernet Sauvignon wine! This posting is "self talk" - a chance to pour out some frustrations with my walking progress this month. Feel free to check in with me on another day if you can't stand whining.
October has been almost a bust with regards to walking. The most beautiful month of the year, and I am struggling to get out the door. I have missed so many days of walking this month, that it will be next to impossible to break the 10,000 steps per day average mark for October.
Now for my excuses (there are no excuses, but I have them anyway):
- It seems that my life is filled with activities from the time I get up until my head hits the pillow. That is a pitiful excuse, but it is my struggle. Now don't get me wrong. None of these activities are jumbos - like trying to hold down a job. But they are the things that make up my life, that I can't drop because they give me satisfaction and/or they are part of taking care of my family. I can't just drop taking care of mom. She is so dependent now. And neither family member drives, so I can't just say "Sorry, I don't feel like driving today" - not that either of them demand much in that area. I spend 5 to 6 days a week taking care of my children's dogs. I must have them for sanity! But when they are here, I can't leave the house much because neither mom nor my husband could manage the 3 - I can hardly manage the 3. I won't give up knitting, reading, knitting group, Tai Chi, weaving, blogging, walking or any of my other interests because the loss of those would make my life so colorless. Walking alone couldn't make up for the loss of my fun stuff.
- I can give up house cleaning and cooking (and have done so - sadly), but you know what will happen. At some point I will explode and just becoming a cleaning machine, angry with myself for letting things get so far behind - skipping my fun stuff - including walking.
- Sometimes the balance of being in the house and not being in the house is a challenge. Mom is pretty much house bound. For example, just a trip to the bank can be an effort at times. So she is stuck in the house. She isn't one to have hobbies. Her only hobby (other than watching me) seems to be reading, and she doesn't do that as much as she used to. So my absences from the house seem to weigh heavily on her. Many of my activities take me out of the house - so at times when I am ready to walk, I have already been gone alot that day for other stuff. It is hard to put my walking shoes on and leave once again.
And so those are my frustrations. I still haven't heard back from God on my request for a 36 hour day. Some have suggested that I get hire a caregiver to come in for mom so I could get more time away ... but neither my husband nor my mom would like that. And I am not sure that would make things better anyway. It is sort of like being a teacher. Teachers do more work to prepare for the substitute teacher than if they just stayed did the job themselves. Care giving is like that. To hire a professional in home caregiver would require much prep work as to negate the positive benefits you are aiming for. And I don't think it would add much value to mom's life either. She hates change.
I think that I have to accept that care giving of an elderly person alters your life no matter how much you struggle to prevent it. Many of those alterations are subtle, not readily evident to the casual observer. And it is one of the hinderances to getting a daily walk.
Now for the Walking Self Talk
- You will go out for a walk today.
- You will not look back at your poor performance so far in October.
- You will find a way to keep everything in your life - just not to excess.
- You will be happy that you have all these things in your life - because you want them there!
- You will allow yourself to whine occasionally, but you won't dwell on it.
I feel so much better.